writers block

do you ever sit and stare at the screen wanting words to appear but not knowing what to say? the curser flashes over and over taunting me. i want to write but have nothing to say. 

“writing about a writer's block is better than not writing at all” 
― Charles Bukowski

i've been having a rough time these days but i don't know how to write about it. and at the same time, writing is the way i sort through what is going on in my head. 

“Who is more to be pitied, a writer bound and gagged by policemen or one living in perfect freedom who has nothing more to say?” 
― Kurt Vonnegut

not being able to write - not knowing what to say is painful. it is, in fact, soul sucking. so i am sitting here writing about not being able to write.

“Don’t waste time waiting for inspiration. Begin, and inspiration will find you.” 
― H. Jackson Brown Jr.

if i sit here and i just write ... letting the words flow out of me onto the screen, eventually i will write something meaningful. or at least i will have written a series of words. 

“I haven't written in a week. It's like holding your breath under water. You feel an awful constriction and then the instinct to propel yourself.” 
― D.A. Botta

not writing has been hard for me. i have been working on this post for 3 days. and it hasn't gone anywhere. like holding my breath under water. eventually i have to come up for air - and since writing is how i breathe, i have to write. 

“Writer's block is just another name for fear.” 
― Jacob Nordby

what am i afraid of? why can't i write? 

“The best way in the world for breaking up a writer's block is to write a lot.” 
― John Gardner

so here i sit, writing and writing with nothing to say. writers block. john gardner's advice is to write a lot. so here i sit. writing and writing. eventually something will make sense. 

i hope you aren't blocked in your creative outlet. i hope you are able to come up for air and breathe. 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

an open letter to Sue Monk Kidd

Dear Sue Monk Kidd,

The universe is a mysterious wonder. My name is April and I am experiencing my own mid-life turning point; the point at which I can no longer sit idly while my life is lived without me as an active participant.

I write a blog and had been writing about how I am in a state of emotional diapauses, and using the images of cocoons and butterflies and the idea of my internal metamorphosis. My friend was taking a course and met a woman who recommended reading When the Heart Waits. She read it and was amazed at how similar your story was to what was going on in my own life.

She loaned me her book and I began to read it. And with each page turn I felt more and more connected to you. The images of butterflies, the symbol of the cocoon and how similar it is to my own inner journey … each page drew me closer.

I know that I must sound like a total nut. And I am sure that there are thousands of people who write to you and tell you that your words spoke to them. 

Today I read the story about when a bird flew into your window. When I was 10, a bird flew into our window. My teacher got the bird and put it in a shoe box until it was ready to fly again. He spoke to me about waiting and healing. He taught me that sometimes we have to just wait for something to happen, and although we may not have patience, that it was okay to not have things happen right away. That things like healing take time. 

Rather than continue to tell you about this strong connection I feel to your writing, I would like to share with you a story about another symbol of mine which is foxes. They seem to appear to me at important times in my life.

recently i have been dealing with what radical t calls "the childhood event." and as i work my way through this event, and my shame around it, i often wonder if i am just crazy, or if it was really my fault, or if i made the whole thing up in the first place. 

so i decided to take a leap of faith, an impulsive one actually, and i emailed one of the people who was around during "the childhood event" and i asked some questions that i needed answers to. 

i wasn't expecting a response. but i got one. 

i spoke my truth. and i was validated. and heard. and the validation made my wings grow a little bit. 

i feel lighter this morning. i feel unburdened. 

when i first met nosy nora (my therapist), she used to say that it was like someone else was living my life; like i wasn't participating in my own life. i feel like it is MY life now. 

sharing my story, speaking my truth, is freeing me from the heaviness that i carry around. 

so i decided that i wanted to share another story with you. another truth. because speaking my story makes me strong each day. 

this time it is about foxes. 

The summer I was 17, I was dating a woman who was 21. It was new and exciting and confusing. I was in the woods writing in my journal and thinking about my life and feeling confused. And I looked up and there was a fox staring at me. And I just knew that it was going to be ok.

Then in grade 12, I was on the bus going to school and I was thinking about school and feeling confused and unsure about my education choices and if I should think about changing high schools ... and a fox trotted down Bloor street! And again, I just knew.

There were a few other significant sightings over those few years. But the most significant was in relation to my best friend Gigi (who this blog is named after).

I was at her house and I told Gigi about the importance of foxes in my life. She teased me and said that squirrels were her special animal because she sees them all the time. I went home and as I walked in the door, the phone was ringing. It was Gigi. She said there was a fox in her backyard with a squirrel in its mouth.

We laughed and laughed.

And 2 days later, Gigi died.

A week after her death, I was at her house in her sister's room. Her Dad was in Gigi's room and he suddenly called out "hey, have you ever seen a fox?" Her sister knew the fox story so we looked at each other and our jaws dropped. We ran to the bedroom and her mom joined us there.

The 4 of us stood at the window, crying, holding each other and watching this fox who just sat in the yard staring back at us.

It was moving and healing and there are no words to describe it.

i continue to see foxes at significant moments in my life. most recently i saw a fully intact dead fox on the side of the road. i cried and cried and CRIED. and i emailed Gigi's sister and told her about it. her response was touching:

Maybe the penetrating gaze of that intact dead fox on the driver's side on the highway yesterday, was a mirror to you: not a message that doom and gloom awaits you, but that it's time for your soul to finally rise up from the damaged (metaphorical) carcass that houses it and become the most fully alive, most vibrant and whole vibrational entity that it can be. It's your time to become whole, April, that's what the dead fox symbolizes for me.

i like to think that she is right. that in order for me to morph into a butterfly from this diapause state that i am in, to become the most vibrant and whole entity that i can be, i need to continue to tell my story, to speak my truth, and to heal. 

I wanted to thank you for your book, for your wisdom, and for this strong connection that I feel with you because of our similar stories.

Thank you,

Yours Truly,

April

courage

sometimes a song speaks to me. right now i am listening to "courage is" by the strange familiar. click here to listen. 

 the lyrics just ring true for me. 

Take all my vicious words and turn them into something good

Take all my preconceptions and let the truth be understood

Take all my prized possessions and leave only what I need

Take all my pieces of doubt and let me be what's underneath

- The Strange Familiar


let me be what's underneath all my doubt. i spend so much of my time doubting my abilities, doubting my strength, doubting my Self. 

We all have excuses why living in fear something in us dies

Like a bird with broken wings, its not how high he flies but the song he sings

- The Strange Familiar

we all have our limits, but we can rise above our limits to be our best selves. 

Courage is when you're afraid but you keep on moving anyway

Courage is when you're in pain but you keep on living anyway

It's not how many times you've been knocked down

It's how many times you get back up 

- The Strange Familiar

courage is living. life is hard. life can be really, really hard. life can knock you flat on your ass. getting up again and continuing to live is courageous. 

Courage is when you've lost your way but you find your strength anyway

Courage is when you're afraid

Courage is when it all seems grey

Courage is when you make a change and you keep on living anyway

You keep on moving anyway

You keep on giving anyway

You keep on loving anyway

- The Strange Familiar

keep on keeping on. finding the strength to keep going, to keep living, to keep being ... that is courage. 

as my dad always says, "don't let the bastards get you down." tell me about your courage by clicking here. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

be kind to yourself

i end every blog post with "be kind to yourself" but what do i mean? 

self love. self compassion. self kindness. these are difficult concepts. it is much easier to treat others with love, kindness, and compassion than it is to treat ourselves this way. but it is something that we must learn and must strive for. 

“Do your thing and don't care if they like it.” 
― Tina Fey

doing your thing and not caring who likes it is the ultimate love for yourself. 

“I think the reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself.” 
― Rita Mae Brown

conforming to what others (family, society, etc) expect of you is not self-love. it is in fact the opposite. it is crushing. you can't like yourself when you are not being your authentic self. 

“Dare to love yourself
as if you were a rainbow
with gold at both ends.” 
― Aberjhani

being able to treat yourself with kindness means believing that you are worth it. and that can be very challenging. believe me, i know. but being kind to yourself means not letting your inner critic win. you know, that voice in your head that tells you how stupid you are? what a loser you are? what stupid choices you've made? being kind to yourself means telling your inner critic to go fuck herself and telling yourself that you are okay. that you did okay. that no one is perfect. 

“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.” 
― C.G. Jung

accepting yourself completely means treating yourself with compassion. it means creating a new inner voice. one that speaks with kindness and love about your imperfections. 

“If you celebrate your differentness, the world will, too. It believes exactly what you tell it—through the words you use to describe yourself, the actions you take to care for yourself, and the choices you make to express yourself. Tell the world you are one-of-a-kind creation who came here to experience wonder and spread joy. Expect to be accommodated.” 
― Victoria Moran

when you treat yourself with kindness, compassion, and love, you are telling the world that you matter. you are telling the world how you expect to be treated. and you are demanding respect. treating yourself this way is an act of defiance against a world that tells you not to put yourself first. 

“The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself.” 
― Steve Maraboli

but putting yourself first is acceptable. because in the end, you need yourself. as much as you need other people, you need to love yourself and this starts with the way that you treat yourself. 

“Did your mom ever tell you, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything’? She was right–and talking nicely also applies when you’re talking to yourself, even inside your head.” 
― Victoria Moran

your inner critic, or what geneen roth calls The Voice, is loud. and she needs to be taken down a notch, or two, or ten. if you don't have anything nice to say to yourself, then don't say anything at all. self-kindness means speaking kindly to yourself even in your head. it means being gentle with yourself and forgiving yourself for things that you said or did. 

“I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” 
― Brené Brown

owning your story leads to self-acceptance, which leads to self-love. telling your story is not the same as owning it. anyone can tell their story. but owning it is courageous. it means accepting your story and thus yourself. this only leads to self-love. 

“She held herself until the sobs of the child inside subsided entirely. I love you, she told herself. It will all be okay.” 
― H. Raven Rose

inside us is a small child who still views the world through a child's eyes. loving that child, and being gentle with that child leads to a gentleness with your adult self. 

what does it look like to treat yourself with compassion and kindness? it looks like telling your inner critic to shut up and speaking to yourself gently. it looks like forgiving yourself. it means trusting yourself. 

believing that you are not a mistake that needs to be fixed. 

for example, after eating half a cheesecake and feeling like a complete and total loser, telling yourself gently that it's okay. that you ate a cheesecake. so what? tomorrow you wont eat a cheesecake. it looks like asking yourself why you needed to eat half a cheesecake? and accepting the answer. 

or when you are speaking to your boss and you say something that leaves you feeling embarrassed. you could beat yourself up, or you could be gentle with yourself the way you would with your best friend ... imagine speaking to your best friend the way you speak to yourself!?!? you wouldn't have any friends anymore! 

imagine speaking to yourself the way you speak to those you love. imagine how gentle and kind you would make yourself feel. 

“Loving oneself
Is the most primal
Of all survival mechanisms” 
― Karen Hackel

be kind to yourself, 
and gentle, and compassionate,

xoxo

...

purging

"For me, the shame of having eaten "too much" is more than the shame of purging. Feeling empty equals feeling in control." - blog reader

i recently worked up the courage to write about bingeing ... and now i am going to write about purging. 

purging is filled with so much shame and stigma. even more so than bingeing.

“We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need.” 
― Marya Hornbacher

when i was 13 years old, i started at a new school. it was terrifying. and i was severely bullied. each morning, i would hide in the bathroom at school, sick to my stomach, and i would throw up. and as time went on, it became more of a habit than a need. 

purging is often inevitable. when you feel like you have filled your belly. especially after a binge, when you feel disgustingly full. purging is the ultimate form of control. emptying yourself of all emotions. taking your energy and emptying yourself of all your thoughts.

i started to have panic attacks when i was 26. only i didn't know what they were. i, and my doctors, thought there was something physically wrong with me. it would start with a crushing sensation around my rib cage. and i would feel a sharp pain in my shoulder blade. and the only relief from the pain would be to make myself vomit. i even had my gallbladder taken out, the doctors thinking that my gallbladder was the cause. but the crushing pains continued. i had test after test and was put on all sorts of pills - pills to make my esophagus move, pills to deal with heartburn. 

it wasn't until last year that i came to realize and understand that it was panic attacks and that i was making myself throw up to relieve the pressure.  

“If you put the wrong foods in your body, you are contaminated and dirty and your stomach swells. Then the voice says, Why did you do that? Don't you know better? Ugly and wicked, you are disgusting to me.” 
― Bethany Pierce

after a binge, one feels disgusting and disappointed. one feels ugly and fat and stupid. and feels the need to rid oneself of the food that was consumed in a passion, in oblivion ...

“Your lowest moment in life can be your best if you survive it and learn from it” 
― Brian Cuban

i learned to control my purging. i learned to write instead of purge. it took time and support. it took survival skills. 

“You know you've got problems when your head is hanging over the toilet, puking up your dinner, and what you're thinking of is your dad. And how he thinks you're not pretty.” 
― Teresa Lo

people who purge do so for so many, many reasons. some of which have to do with body image or childhood trauma. often it has to do with a sense of the need for control. and other times it has nothing to do with body image but has to do with the need to deny one's feelings. to numb oneself to the pain of the world.

“In yet another paradox, bulimia nervosa serves as both an expression of feelings and a defense against experiencing feelings, particularly shame, anger, loneliness, sadness, envy, and guilt. A person with bulimia nervosa fear, whether consciously or unconsciously, that painful feelings would be unbearable, even annihilating".” 
― Sheila M. Reindl

painful feelings .... unbearable ... annihilating ... purging is ultimately empowering. it is a way to control the uncontrollable. 

bingeing and purging often go hand in hand. it begins with a diet. a sense of control. feeling like THIS time the diet will work. this time you will be able to control everything. but then, when you feel deprived, you cheat on your diet. you then feel like a total and complete loser. so you figure, what the hell, you might as well keep eating. so you eat and eat ...

“You see, a binge is almost always inevitable when one goes withut eating for such a long period of time. It doesn't just satisfy the physical hunger that becomes you; it nourishes the psychological need to escape from your own controlling mind. In this way, the binge presents itself as the ultimate loss of control.” 
― Leanne Waters

... and after the binge i feel worse than imaginable. i wake up from the loss of control and need to get that control back. to empty myself. 

it's a cycle of shame. shame of how you look or how you feel. shame about your choices. shame about what you put into your body and shame about what you took out. 

"My whole life I’ve leaned toward all-or-nothing thinking. Black or white. Binge or restrict. Terrible day or terrific.

In my mind I was either the energizer bunny or a sloth. I was either beautiful or blah. And how could I be beautiful if I was only pretty sometimes?

If I ate too much, I’d think F that, my diet is ruined! and pile on the extra helpings. I didn’t ask myself if I really wanted more, if I genuinely wanted to enjoy extra bites. No. Instead, I was focused on the fact that tomorrow I’d need to be perfect. 

Tomorrow would be the day. The day I’d follow that diet flawlessly. And then in a week, a few weeks, when I lost some weight, I could finally start taking better care of myself. I could show my face at the gym. I could finally appreciate my body. I could feel better about myself." - http://blogs.psychcentral.com/weightless/2014/09/the-opportunity-in-every-moment/

shame.

bulimia is filled with shame. 

be kind to yourself,
xoxo
... here are some websites that are helpful:

http://sheenasplace.org/

http://susanschulherr.com/index.php

http://www.fatnutritionist.com/

http://sheenasplace.org/category/blog/

http://makepeacewithfood2day.blogspot.ca/

http://eatingdisordersblogs.com/

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/eating_disorder_treatment.htm

http://www.nedic.ca/

http://www.bulimia.com/topics/support-groups/

http://www.bellwood.ca/eating-disorders/

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/weightless/

https://www.facebook.com/sheenasplacetoronto


http://www.bulimia.com/

bulimia.supportgroups.com/



http://www.b-eat.co.uk/get-help/about-eating-disorders/overcoming-bulimia-online/

anniversary

yesterday was my ten year wedding anniversary. we went out to dinner and then went to see the musical wicked. 

ten years. amazing. the time has gone by so quickly and at the same time it seems like forever - like there was no time that we weren't together. 

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” 
― Elbert Hubbard

BB is my best friend. she knows all my faults and loves me in spite of them. 

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” 
― Lao Tzu

being together for the last 13 years has been a wild ride. we have had our ups and downs, our good times and bad times. we have lived the for better and for worse. and yet we have always had each other to turn to, to lean on, and to snuggle ... snuggles are important!

“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” 
― Robert A. Heinlein

BB's happiness is essential to my happiness. i live to bring her joy. and i feel like she does the same. 

here is the necklace that she gave me. 

if you have been following my blog, you know what foxes mean to me. if you haven't, check out this post: 

http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/04/foxes.html

“Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.” 
― William Shakespeare

BB and i often sit in comfortable silence. we can enjoy each other's company and talk when we need to. and i often know what she is thinking when she gives me that loving smile. or that smile that says, let's go get movie popcorn. 

“We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love.” 
― Robert Fulghum

what i love most about my marriage is our separateness. we each live our lives with our separate friends and our separate interests. we don't expect the other to join us for things that we don't want to do. she can go out dancing, and i can go to drumming lessons. 

“If I had a flower for every time I thought of you...I could walk through my garden forever.” 
― Alfred Tennyson

BB and i met at choir and we still sing together. despite our separateness, we also have common interests and spend a great deal of time together. 


“Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet.” 
― Plato

i love BB. i love her with all my heart. i hope that you have someone to love and someone to love you back. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

need

captain stressy pants tells me that we all need each other. she tells me that it okay to need people. that my constant need for connection, for support, is totally normal and that i am totally normal. 

it often doesn't feel that way. 

i feel needy and my neediness feels like a negative thing. 

“In a strong relationship, you should love your companion more than you need them.” ― Steve Maraboli

i don't disagree with the sentiment. loving someone more than you need them is important. however, needing someone is okay too. 

“You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need.” ― Mick Jagger

sometimes getting what you need comes as a surprise. sometimes you don't know what it is that you need until you get it. but need is scary.

If she showed him how much she needed him, he'd run away.” ― Rainbow Rowell

i am scared that my neediness will chase people away. i am scared that my neediness has already chased people away. 

nosy nora says that "we're all in this life thing together." and that "it feels good to be needed." (see? i listen)

we all need each other to survive. it's a big wild world and no one can survive on their own. 

“The world says: "You have needs -- satisfy them. You have as much right as the rich and the mighty. Don't hesitate to satisfy your needs; indeed, expand your needs and demand more." This is the worldly doctrine of today.” ― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

demand more. demand that your needs be met. demand that you have as much right to your needs as anyone else. 

“It’s never overreacting to ask for what you want and need.” 

― Amy Poehler

asking for what you want and need is terrifying. it means admitting that you can't do it all alone. it means admitting that you are not able to do it by yourself. and it might mean making yourself appear selfish and indulgent. 

“Wherever you turn, you can find someone who needs you. Even if it is a little thing, do something for which there is no pay but the privilege of doing it. Remember, you don't live in a world all of your own.” ― Albert Schweitzer

as much as you need others ... others need you ... we are here for each other. as much as i feel needy, i am needed by other people. and their needs don't overwhelm me. so why do i feel like my needs will overwhelm others?

“If you feel ashamed about your need for love & support, it's because you were made to feel this way as a child. It's not a sign of weakness to want affirmation, reassurance or someone to count on; these are natural, appropriate needs. Just make sure to be there for yourself first.” ― Marcia Sirota

it is both natural and appropriate to need love and support, despite what you were taught as a child. i learned that you were supposed to count on yourself for everything. i was responsible for myself. i took care of myself. i didn't express wants or needs, even as a young child. i remember being 9 and asking for a chocolate bar and being told no and i started to whine. my aunt was there and said "this isn't the april that i know. the april i know never whines." and that was the last time i asked for anything. 

now, a chocolate bar isn't a need. i get that. i get that it wasn't the best example. however, it is an example of how i learned not to ask for anything and that included expressing what i needed. 

i suffered from depression from an early age. at 13, i wanted to be dead. not a day went by that i didn't wish that i could die. and i was sure that no one would notice or care. 

at no point did i tell anyone or ask for support. because i was supposed to be mature, independent, responsible, and able to cope with the world. 


i didn't seek support for my anxiety and depression until very recently. and it still makes me uncomfortable to need someone to give me support. it goes against my feelings of being independent. 

“People’re a nestful of needs. Dull needs, sharp needs, bottomless-pit needs, flash-in-the-pan needs, needs for things you can’t hold, needs for things you can.” ― David Mitchell

we are full of all types of needs. 

need for love, affection, attention, intimacy, support, friendship, food, safety ...

and none of us can do this life thing on our own. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

pen pals

when i was 9 years old, i had my first penpal. her name was cheryl and she lived in milton ontario which is mere hours away from me. she was a friend of my cousin's. and we wrote each other letters and it was fun. 

when i was 12, i got my first real penpal. her name was roselyn and she lived in zimbabwe. we wrote to each other for years. her letters were the highlight of my month. she once sent me a necklace ... i still have it upstairs in a box. we wrote to each other until i was 18, when i told her that i was a lesbian and she began to pray for my soul. and then she stopped writing. 

when i was 15, i had a penpal in estonia. and one in michigan. and one in china. 

writing to someone far away was a great way for me to express my feelings safely. kind of like the opposite of therapy where i have to say things in person, face to face, with no distance. having a penpal meant being able to bare my soul without fear of rejection. until roselyn rejected me, but that was a cultural and religious difference. 

i would write pages and pages for each letter. my penpal in china was by far my favourite. he and i would exchange letters on airmail paper. i would tell him about my pathetic love life and he would give me advice, and then tell me about his. i came out to him as a lesbian and he accepted me. i have all of his letters upstairs in the same box as the necklace from roselyn. 

a few years ago, i started playing an online scrabble game with a random stranger. we played back and forth and chatted between turns. after a year or so of playing, we both admitted to each other that we were only continuing the game to stay in touch with each other and instead became facebook friends. i call her my digital penpal. 

i think this blog has become my digital penpal way of expressing myself. i am now at 16,500 page views, most of which come from russia. hello to my russian readers!! 

i can say here what i cannot express in person. i can ramble, or share, or give advice, or simply spill my guts. 

writing for me is a way of breathing. 

my readers, my audience, have become my penpals. so hello to you and thanks for reading. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

anxious

lately i feel a sense of panic all the time. like something bad is coming. but i don't know what it is. 

anxiety has a grip on me. 

“Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.” ― Søren Kierkegaard

i can't imagine being free. i can't imagine what it would feel like not to be worrying about something. i wonder what it would feel like? 

i want to describe my anxiety. but i am having trouble finding the words. 

“Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.” ― Anaïs Nin

i disagree with anais nin ... i think that the person feeling the anxiety is the one who feels like they are trying to save a drowning man. anxiety is the man who has a grip on you and you have to decide to let him go in order to save yourself. 

anxiety clings to me and pulls me down. 

the latest thing that gets to me is commercials for things like cars. i have no idea why. car commercials make my heart start to race. i think it is the idea of making a huge purchase. i have a car. a good car. i've only had it for a year and a half. so i'm not buying a new car. i don't know why i am sent into a panic whenever i see or hear a commercial for cars. did you know there are a zillion car commercials on the radio and television? sheesh. 

“To hear the phrase "our only hope" always makes one anxious, because it means that if the only hope doesn't work, there is nothing left.” ― Lemony Snicket

i feel like i live my life on the verge of "our only hope" as if there is nothing i can do to save myself from whatever is coming. intellectually i know that there is nothing bad coming. but emotionally i am waiting for the next terrible thing to occur. 

“Worrying is carrying tomorrow's load with today's strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn't empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” ― Corrie ten Boom

carrying tomorrow's load with today's strength ... carrying the worries of things that i can't control. i can't control the things that i worry about and i worry about things that are beyond my control. i use up a great deal of energy worrying and feeling anxious. it's exhausting to be honest. no wonder i am so tired all the time. 

“Anxiety's like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you very far.” ― Jodi Picoult

i know intellectually that worrying doesn't solve any problems. worrying doesn't prepare me for tomorrow. it doesn't help me get through my day. but it certainly occupies my time and occupies my brain power. 

“Man is not worried by real problems so much as by his imagined anxieties about real problems” ― Epictetus

i agree that my anxieties are not about "real" problems. but i don't agree that my anxiety is imagined. the constant worrying, the grinding of my teeth, the biting of my nails, the lying awake at night, the wondering ...  those aren't imagined. those are real. 

“But I can hardly sit still. I keep fidgeting, crossing one leg and then the other. I feel like I could throw off sparks, or break a window--maybe rearrange all the furniture.” ― Raymond Carver

i take my nervous energy and i put it into my body; i grind my teeth, i bite the insides of my cheeks, i dig my nails into my cuticles. i direct my anxiety into my body. my heart races, my stomach is in knots, and my palms are often sweaty. 

“Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it.” ― Khalil Gibran

my anxiety is about my fear of what i can't control. 

when i get most anxious is when i am faced with something that i can't control, like the reactions of other people, or trying to find a parking spot, or driving somewhere and getting lost. 

“For so many years, I couldn’t understand why every time I thought that someone finally loved me, like… for real, they would eventually turn to vapor. Every person whom I’ve ever loved is trapped inside of my chest. I’ve breathed all of them in so deeply that I’ve nearly choked and died on every soul that I’ve ever given myself to.” ― Jennifer Elisabeth

my biggest fear is that everyone i love will die and leave me alone. i spend a lot of energy worrying about death. the truth is, that everyone WILL die, eventually. so it isn't a completely unrealistic fear. the unrealistic part is how i spend so much time, energy, and fear worrying about it. the anxiety of it eats me up inside and takes up a huge space in my brain. 

this is the part of my blog post where i am supposed to give you some piece of advice about anxiety. this is the part where i share some gem ... some wisdom about living your life to the fullest, about how to rid yourself of worries, about how to free yourself from anxiety. 

i can't do that this time. this post is about my own struggle, not about how to free yourself from yours. all i can say is, 

“If you trade your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief.” ― Brené Brown

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...