i recently worked up the courage to write about bingeing ... and now i am going to write about purging.
purging is filled with so much shame and stigma. even more so than bingeing.
“We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need.”
― Marya Hornbacher
when i was 13 years old, i started at a new school. it was terrifying. and i was severely bullied. each morning, i would hide in the bathroom at school, sick to my stomach, and i would throw up. and as time went on, it became more of a habit than a need.
purging is often inevitable. when you feel like you have filled your belly. especially after a binge, when you feel disgustingly full. purging is the ultimate form of control. emptying yourself of all emotions. taking your energy and emptying yourself of all your thoughts.
i started to have panic attacks when i was 26. only i didn't know what they were. i, and my doctors, thought there was something physically wrong with me. it would start with a crushing sensation around my rib cage. and i would feel a sharp pain in my shoulder blade. and the only relief from the pain would be to make myself vomit. i even had my gallbladder taken out, the doctors thinking that my gallbladder was the cause. but the crushing pains continued. i had test after test and was put on all sorts of pills - pills to make my esophagus move, pills to deal with heartburn.
it wasn't until last year that i came to realize and understand that it was panic attacks and that i was making myself throw up to relieve the pressure.
“If you put the wrong foods in your body, you are contaminated and dirty and your stomach swells. Then the voice says, Why did you do that? Don't you know better? Ugly and wicked, you are disgusting to me.”
― Bethany Pierce
after a binge, one feels disgusting and disappointed. one feels ugly and fat and stupid. and feels the need to rid oneself of the food that was consumed in a passion, in oblivion ...
“Your lowest moment in life can be your best if you survive it and learn from it”
― Brian Cuban
i learned to control my purging. i learned to write instead of purge. it took time and support. it took survival skills.
“You know you've got problems when your head is hanging over the toilet, puking up your dinner, and what you're thinking of is your dad. And how he thinks you're not pretty.”
― Teresa Lo
people who purge do so for so many, many reasons. some of which have to do with body image or childhood trauma. often it has to do with a sense of the need for control. and other times it has nothing to do with body image but has to do with the need to deny one's feelings. to numb oneself to the pain of the world.
“In yet another paradox, bulimia nervosa serves as both an expression of feelings and a defense against experiencing feelings, particularly shame, anger, loneliness, sadness, envy, and guilt. A person with bulimia nervosa fear, whether consciously or unconsciously, that painful feelings would be unbearable, even annihilating".”
― Sheila M. Reindl
painful feelings .... unbearable ... annihilating ... purging is ultimately empowering. it is a way to control the uncontrollable.
bingeing and purging often go hand in hand. it begins with a diet. a sense of control. feeling like THIS time the diet will work. this time you will be able to control everything. but then, when you feel deprived, you cheat on your diet. you then feel like a total and complete loser. so you figure, what the hell, you might as well keep eating. so you eat and eat ...
“You see, a binge is almost always inevitable when one goes withut eating for such a long period of time. It doesn't just satisfy the physical hunger that becomes you; it nourishes the psychological need to escape from your own controlling mind. In this way, the binge presents itself as the ultimate loss of control.”
― Leanne Waters
... and after the binge i feel worse than imaginable. i wake up from the loss of control and need to get that control back. to empty myself.
it's a cycle of shame. shame of how you look or how you feel. shame about your choices. shame about what you put into your body and shame about what you took out.
"My whole life I’ve leaned toward all-or-nothing thinking. Black or white. Binge or restrict. Terrible day or terrific.
In my mind I was either the energizer bunny or a sloth. I was either beautiful or blah. And how could I be beautiful if I was only pretty sometimes?
If I ate too much, I’d think F that, my diet is ruined! and pile on the extra helpings. I didn’t ask myself if I really wanted more, if I genuinely wanted to enjoy extra bites. No. Instead, I was focused on the fact that tomorrow I’d need to be perfect.
Tomorrow would be the day. The day I’d follow that diet flawlessly. And then in a week, a few weeks, when I lost some weight, I could finally start taking better care of myself. I could show my face at the gym. I could finally appreciate my body. I could feel better about myself." - http://blogs.psychcentral.com/weightless/2014/09/the-opportunity-in-every-moment/
shame.
bulimia is filled with shame.
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
... here are some websites that are helpful:
http://sheenasplace.org/
http://susanschulherr.com/index.php
http://www.fatnutritionist.com/
http://sheenasplace.org/category/blog/
http://makepeacewithfood2day.blogspot.ca/
http://eatingdisordersblogs.com/
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/eating_disorder_treatment.htm
http://www.nedic.ca/
http://www.bulimia.com/topics/support-groups/
http://www.bellwood.ca/eating-disorders/
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/weightless/
https://www.facebook.com/sheenasplacetoronto
http://www.bulimia.com/
bulimia.supportgroups.com/
http://www.b-eat.co.uk/get-help/about-eating-disorders/overcoming-bulimia-online/
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