therapy and why I endorse it

i am in therapy. 

thankfully. 

it's not the first time in my life. but it's the first time that i am actually getting anything out of it. 

my previous "therapists" seemed to get something out of my being there for an hour every week, in that they got to tell me their life stories. 

the worst of all of them was Brenda. and yes i am using her real name. she deserves to have her name known. especially if someone reading this thinks, hey, i had a "therapist" named Brenda who did the same thing. 

that way you'll know YOU didn't do anything wrong: 

she did. 

Brenda the "therapist" had a cozy little office in a small Ontario town. she liked to wear peach coloured sweaters. she had lots of first nations artwork in her office and she lived on a reserve. her ex-husband was physically abusive and ...

i learned all about that. 

her 16 year old daughter was angry and rebellious and caused all sorts of problems ...

i learned all about that too. 

i'm not sure that Brenda learned much about me in the 2 years that i saw her. we did, however, get drunk together and dance the night away at the local bar. she did, however, invite me to her house to continue the party and to spend the night. 

that was the night i decided it was time to stop seeing Brenda the "therapist" who needed a great deal of therapy of her own. and i truly hope that she has found the help that she needs and that she has found peace in her life.

there were other "therapists" that i saw before and after her. but none with a story quite like hers. or had an impact like hers. 

about 16 months ago, i had enough of feeling anxious all the time. i was walking the dog and everyone i saw was a potential "bad guy" ... even the 12 year old boys who i was CONVINCED were following me. so i took a risk (a huge giant leap of faith) and fairly randomly chose someone from a website. 

Note: (i don't actually believe in the randomness of life. i believe that the universe leads us to where we need to be and the universe most certainly led me to my therapist)

her name shall herein after be known as Nosy Nora. i never disliked her. but i wasn't so sure about seeing her. i mean ...

where were all her stories about her trauma to match mine? 

why wasn't she relating to me with horror stories of her own? 

why did I have to do all the sharing? 


when was the part where we partied together? 

and over time it got easier. i started to realize that Nosy Nora actually WANTS to hear what i have to say. 

i'm sorry ... what? 

she is interested in my story. in my grief. in my joy. in my life. in me ... 

i'm sorry ... what? 

this process is about ME? 

aren't i supposed to listen to her now? shouldn't Nosy Nora be telling me about her marital issues? shouldn't i be giving HER advice about her children and their nonsense? isn't she supposed to talk about her life in high school? i was so confused.

what shocked me most was the lack of judgement. i can say crappy things and Nosy Nora makes them okay. i can tell her my darkest thoughts and she doesn't act shocked or even surprised. i can tell her the shitty things that i think and feel and somehow those are okay for her to hear. 

eventually we got to a place where i was able to share with her my immense and immeasurable grief over the death of my best friend (whom this blog is named after). at the time of her death, i was left to deal with it on my own. i wasn't comforted or even hugged. So i just pushed those feelings way deep down and grieved for 18 years without really allowing myself to fully grieve. 

Nosy Nora made it okay to cry over a death that took place 18 years earlier. she made it okay to FEEL that sorrow and anger and loss. to FEEL it and to let it go.and after 18 years, i am able to talk about it without crying. i am able to love my friend and to miss her, but without feeling the hurt and loss as fresh. 

do you have ANY idea how incredible that is? i never thought that it was possible. and i felt stupid and ashamed for feeling so sad about something that happened so very long ago. 

and now i feel at peace. 

i can't really explain the trust that was built with Nosy Nora through that experience. it's not explicable. but it is transformative. it is trust. and safety. 

and because of that experience, i have been able to open up about other experiences; things that i thought would remain buried and private forever. things that will unfold in this blog as i feel ready and able to share them. to release them from the dark corners of shame and bring them to the surface. 

but for now ... if you have been thinking about therapy ... if it has crossed your mind ... if you are against therapy because you had a Brenda in the past ... it's worth it. 

and it takes time. 

and you won't find that connection immediately. 

but it's worthwhile. 

and you are worthwhile. 

so go for it. i took the risk, and i am thankful for that each and every day. 

xoxo

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