showing up ...

Vulnerability is about showing up and being seen. It's tough to do that when we're terrified about what people might see or think. - Brene Brown

sometimes showing up is the most i can do. and i find that really hard to accept.

i have been an over-achiever for as long as i can remember. committees, organizations, clubs, volunteer positions, and more than one job at a time is how i have always lived my life. 

high school involved showing up at 7:30 am to program the announcements into the electric sign in the cafeteria followed by an 8:00 am meeting of whatever club was on that day. then classes. then a lunch time rehearsal. then more classes. then an afternoon rehearsal for something else. and i also had regular babysitting gigs, and class performances. 

and every May i would have a freak out melt-down and think that there was no way i could possibly complete everything that needed to be completed, and then i would cry and my teacher, MD, would basically tell me to pull myself together and do it. and i would do it. because it wasn't impossible. at all. i just needed to get the crying freaking out meltdown out of my system. 

in grade 13, after my best friend died, i wasn't thinking clearly. i applied to universities and was accepted. but wasn't planning to go. i was going to take a year off. likely because i was depressed and grieving and feeling alone and lost. when i found out that i was accepted into the university that i had wanted to go to since i was 9 years old and went on a tour there ... i called MD and told her that i got accepted but wasn't going. and i cried. (MD, if you're reading this, you probably don't remember any of this. but you absolutely influenced the course of my life on that day. thank you. thank you beyond words) ... MD said, "of course you want to go and you are going." 

NOTE: MD has become an important person in my life and it feels important for me to say that. she has been influential in many situations. and she matters to me very, very much. thank you for everything. for listening, for being there, for being part of my life for the last 23 years ... can you believe it has been 23 years!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! much, much love to you.  

it was that simple. 

of course i wanted to go. i had been wanting to go there for 10 years. i had fallen in love with the campus at age 9. i had fallen in love with the women's centre. the idea that there WAS a women's centre. that feminism was part of the campus. it amazed me (at age 9).

so off i went. 

and i immersed myself in busy-ness. i held 3 part-time jobs, i volunteered at 3 different agencies, i took full-time classes, i became part of the women's community in the town. 

i was rarely home. i was always busy being a DO-ER of things. 

and this continued into my adult life until slowly i started to let go of obligations and turn more and more inward and insular. 

my life now consists of waking up (because i have to), going to work, going to choir practice (because i feel obligated most of the time - although singing heals me), spending time with SC (the love of my life), and sleeping. and then i wake up again. because i have to. 

showing up is the most i can do. 

i show up and i do what is minimal and at the moment, that is my best. 

i want to be more and i want to do more. i want to volunteer, and i want to be on committees, and i want to take a course, and i want to write a book, and i want to be in a show, and i want to go to museums, and to art galleries, and to travel, and to go out for dinners at restaurants i have never tried, and to spend time with friends, and to have coffee dates, and to be what someone referred to as "lively" ...

... and right now i can't do anything except show up. and be here. that's the most i can do. 

and if you are doing your best by just showing up, i hear you. i know. i understand. and it is enough. showing up for your life is enough right now. because it wont be this way for ever. even if it feels like it will be forever. it wont. at least, that's what they tell me. 

xoxo


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