Sticks and stones and names all hurt

i was taught to say "sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me." 

i was also taught to say "i'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks on you." 

what a load of crap. 

i saw this photo on facebook last night. i don't know how to credit it because i don't know where it came from. 

but i saw it and said YES! exactly. 

i have the (un)fortunate ability to remember most things. not facts. i have never been good with statistics or memorizing general knowledge. that's why i failed math and chemistry. formulas go over my head. 

but when it comes to things that happen or things that people say, it's like I have a video camera in my head. 

i don't remember every single thing, obviously, but I remember an awful lot. and i remember a lot that's awful. 

words, sarcasm, comments, snide remarks, things said in frustration or anger ... they stay with me. i remember it all. and i remember how it made me feel. which is worse. 

as a teacher, i work very hard at choosing my words. that's not to say that i'm never sarcastic. because i'm extremely sarcastic. and i tease a bit too. but i work very hard at not saying something that could hurt or that could stay with them throughout their lives. and my students laugh with me.

and if i do unintentionally hurt a student, we talk about it and i apologize and i repair the relationship. 

as I said before, memorizing things has never been my strength. formulas are tricky for me. and patterns. spelling is all patterns and formulas. 

spelling has never been my strength and has been a constant source of embarrassment. 

in grade 7, i had a science test. there was a question that said "what is the difference between weight and mass?" i don't remember my answer, but i remember getting the test back and red writing in the margin ... my teacher wrote:

"the difference between weight and mass is that you know how to spell mass."

i remember my mom laughed. she thought it was funny. i was humiliated. and i've never forgotten it. 

i have the unfortunate ability to remember all the mean things that have ever been said to me. even if those mean things were meant as a joke. 

in middle school, i was bullied. 

i don't mean teased and picked on. i mean bullied. i mean relentlessly teased, taunted, called names, and made to feel like a worthless, unloveable, non-human. 

boys would throw condoms at me in the cafeteria. there's more. but i'm not ready to share that so publicly. 

Yet. 

one afternoon, i went to my locker and someone had written in large red letters "you look like a fucking gorilla" ... my world came crashing down around me. 

i ran all the way to my old school to tell my favourite teacher. i expected hugs, and care, and support. i expected her to call my school and tell them. i expected her to help me. 

but she didn't. 

i was sobbing and told her what they had written on my locker and she laughed. she said "sorry, i'm just trying to picture what gorillas look like when they're fucking." 

i was crushed. it felt like my one hope at help abandoned me. 

so i never turned to an adult for help after that. i let the bullying continue. and although i remember it all, i never told anyone. 

the truth is, sticks and stones may break my bones, but bones will heal ... the names you call me and the things you say will always hurt me. 

xoxo

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