vulnerability and putting yourself out there ...

“To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.” ― Criss Jami 

i am not sure what is more difficult; owning your story, or sharing your story. 

or perhaps they are intertwined. 

i have been "putting myself out there" lately - embracing my vulnerability. and it isn't easy. and yet, each time i share a piece of myself, it's like i have given away a piece for someone else to hold. 

"putting yourself out there" can come in many forms. it can be by telling a friend your secrets. by writing a letter. by starting a blog. 

“Vulnerability is the only authentic state. Being vulnerable means being open, for wounding, but also for pleasure. Being open to the wounds of life means also being open to the bounty and beauty. Don’t mask or deny your vulnerability: it is your greatest asset. Be vulnerable: quake and shake in your boots with it. the new goodness that is coming to you, in the form of people, situations, and things can only come to you when you are vulnerable, i.e. open.” ― Stephen Russell, Barefoot Doctor's Guide to the Tao: A Spiritual Handbook for the Urban Warrior

i'm going to tell you a story. 

a story about putting myself out there, being vulnerable, failing (not falling), and picking myself back up. as the incredible Brene Brown wrote: "vulnerability is not knowing victory or defeat, it's understanding the necessity of both; it's engaging. it's being all in."

last night i went to an audition. normally, i wouldn't be nervous. i am a singer. i put myself out there quite often. i love to sing. i love to perform. singing is my happy place. i also studied singing; i learned how to sight read a piece of music and sing it. i had tests in sight singing. so showing up to sight sing a piece of music in front of 2 people that i know fairly well wouldn't normally be concerning, or nerve wracking, or upsetting, or cause for worry. 

however, in the space that i am in these days, concentrating was challenging. being "all in" was challenging. because my vulnerability was bigger than me. 

there i was, in a room, with a piece of music in my hand, staring at notes on the page and having no freaking idea what the notes were. 

that was disconcerting and discombobulating. i just couldn't distinguish the damn notes. it didn't help that it bounced between flats and naturals and had some really awesome intervals. 

following that mess, i was given a line of music to read. in C major. i don't know if it was because my brain was still in the key of the other song, or if it was my depressed mood, but i sang that entire line of music in a minor key. 

crazy. 

embarrassing. 

humiliating. 

and what do you do when you humiliate yourself like that? 

what are your options? 

never audition for anything again? 
never put yourself out there? 
never be vulnerable? w
hat good would that do for me? 
what kind of life would i have if that were my solution? 

making myself hard and hiding away for the rest of my life is NOT a solution.  

“It’s the hard things that break; soft things don’t break. It was an epiphany I had today and I just wonder why it took me so very, very long to see it! You can waste so many years of your life trying to become something hard in order not to break; but it’s the soft things that can’t break! The hard things are the ones that shatter into a million pieces!” ― C. JoyBell C.

hard things shatter when they break. what a great lesson! 

being soft doesn't mean being a jellyfish, or being something that can be stepped on or squished. being soft means being bendable, changeable, malleable ...  being vulnerable means being soft enough that when you fuck up at an audition, it doesn't break you - no matter how humiliated you feel. being vulnerable means being soft enough that when your world feels like it is crumbling down around you, you wont break.

and at the same time ... change is FUCKING HARD AND SOMETIMES IT HURTS!!! Nosy Nora shared a quote with me today.  

 "The nature of understanding is that alone we can come to understand only what we already understand. To risk testing our organizing principles in dialogue with a text or a person makes possible a new meaning."- Donna Orange

sometimes changing isn't something that you can do on your own. sometimes you need a second opinion, another voice besides the (often critical) voice inside your head. sometimes you need a guide, a mentor, and someone to keep you on the path you need to (or want to, or are meant to) be on.

being vulnerable, and putting myself out there has been the most exciting, terrifying, liberating, and painful journey of my life thus far. sometimes i think that i am so very brave to be letting myself be seen. 

“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.” ― Brené Brown

sometimes i think that i am bat shit crazy for sharing this much of myself and of my story. 

what i have found, especially through readers who have been emailing me, is that sharing my story allows me to connect with people in a way that i never thought possible. 

i continue to be amazed as i discover that MY stories, MY emotions, MY vulnerability are imbued with the commonalities of my readers. by that i mean that i get emails from people who can relate to my stories, who have similar experiences, who UNDERSTAND. 

“It makes me sad that so many people feel they're only allowed to show their best face, while their humanity and vulnerabilities are forbidden and hidden. How else do we connect, but by commonality, by mutual understanding and truth in life's experiences? Whether it makes you smile or cringe, a truth spoken is a healing thing.” ― Jennifer DeLucy

and that makes me feel so much less alone. 

putting myself out there, writing this blog, going to an audition, telling my doctor the truth ... none of those things make me a hero. because as Brene Brown wrote, a hero is someone who puts their life on the line. and that isn't what i am doing. i am putting my life OUT there. but i am not putting it on the line. i am simply demonstrating courage; the courage to say that i am vulnerable and human and that i need help to navigate this journey ... the courage to say that i can't do it all alone. 

“Heroics is often about putting our life on the line. Ordinary courage is about putting our vulnerability on the line. In today's world, that's pretty extraordinary.” ― Brené Brown

xoxo

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