cocoon part 2 ... aka i am now in a state of goo

i have been taking the cocoon metaphor quite seriously these days. wrapping myself in blankets and avoiding the world as much as possible. i pictured myself in my cocoon, resisting the growing of wings ... but that eventually the wings would sprout and i would fly.

i pictured myself as this whole and intact fat little caterpillar sleeping my change away inside my cocoon. 

well imagine my surprise (enlightenment, awakening, shock, ah ha moment!!!) when i learned something new today:

apparently ... when a caterpillar spins a cocoon ... it turns into goo ... 

yes, you read that right: GOO !!!

i need to re-frame my entire metaphor of being inside my cocoon!

(all quotes in this blog are from Radiolab and can be heard in its entirety if you click here, quotes are from Molly Webster. you can learn more about her by clicking here)

"once the caterpillar gets into its shell ... they sort of just melt" 

it's cellular ... here's a short video ...

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

D sent me this podcast today. and it has left me with all sorts of spinning thoughts (get it? "spinning" thoughts ... ha ha):

http://www.radiolab.org/story/goo-and-you/


according to Webster, in the 1600s, naturalists believed that caterpillars spun the cocoon and died. and then a butterfly was reborn. "a spiritual accent." as if a butterfly was a representation of our souls accent to heaven.

the transformation is both mysterious and miraculous. 

and not at ALL what i have pictured my entire life, nor what i remember being taught in science class!

so basically ... a caterpillar spins a chrysalis and then pretty much melts into a soupy goo with microscopic bits of brain and nerves and stuff. the adult parts (antenna, wings ...) are transparent and they stay in the cocoon but don't get soupy in the goo. 

what is interesting is the idea of who comes out the other side of that goo. is it the same creature? if it pretty much dissolves and the cells restructure themselves into an entirely different creature - one who drinks nectar instead of eating leaves, one who flies - then is it the same creature? does it carry it's knowledge with it?

if i allow myself to have a total and complete melt(down) of all that i know about myself and all that i have the potential to become ... will it still be me who comes out the other side? 

based on an experiment with moths and zapping and a scent ... 

Full story and radio interview here: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=88031220

Prof. WEISS: The question that we asked is can a moth or a butterfly remember something that it learned as a caterpillar?NIELSEN: To find out, Weiss and her colleague Doug Blackiston put a lot of big, green tobacco hornworm caterpillars into the electric boxes and then gave them whiffs of stinky gas. Then Blackiston zapped them.Prof. WEISS: So that the caterpillars would get a little bit of smell, and then they'd get a shock, and you could tell that they noticed the shock. And I think he did it once an hour for eight hours.NIELSEN: Weiss says the caterpillars quickly learned that the stench would be followed by the jolt. As a result, the caterpillars wouldn't go near anything that smelled of ethyl acetate.Next, the researchers let the caterpillars start the process that would turn them into moths. One by one, these caterpillars disappeared into brown, urn-shaped pupal chambers that dissolve their bodies and their brains. Five weeks later, the moths hatched out. At that point, the researchers gave the moth a choice of fresh air or air that stank of ethyl acetate.Prof. WEISS: And wouldn't you know it, the moths that had learned to avoid ethyl acetate as larvae still avoided it as adults.NIELSEN: In other words, somehow, the caterpillar memories had survived the biological meltdown. 

 it was demonstrated through this experiment that "the memory made it through the goo and came out the other side." 

"it's kind of eerie ... it's not just what of me carries forward into the future ... it's like what of my future self is in me right now?"  

what of my future self is in me right now?

and so my re-framing begins ...

... i still feel like a caterpillar who doesn't want to come out of her cocoon. my warm blue duvet makes me feel safe and protected here on my couch. and i try to recreate that feeling when i leave the house. which hasn't been easy. 

and i still resist the changes that are happening. i still resist the inevitable growth of wings. 

and yet, i like the idea that the changes within me are on a cellular level - that it is within my very flesh, and bones, and neurpathways (thanks for that word AG) that change is occurring. 

... in order for real change to take place, as D said to me today, "you gotta to turn into goo" ...