“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.” ― Dr. Seuss

“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.” 
― Dr. Seuss

i have been worried about writing an update on my state of mind. worried that i would jinx it. worried that i would be speaking too soon and everything would come crashing down around me if i dared to write about how i am doing these days. 

the truth is ... i feel ... happy. 

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” 
― Mahatma Gandhi

i have worked hard to work through issues, to face my darkness, to be vulnerable, and to come out of my cocoon into happiness. 

maybe it's the sunshine. or the love and support i am receiving. maybe it's the warm weather or the long walks. maybe it's the changes i am making in my life and in my mind; in the way that i think. whatever it is, i feel true happiness for the first time in a long time. 

“There's nothing like deep breaths after laughing that hard. Nothing in the world like a sore stomach for the right reasons.” 
― Stephen Chbosky

do you ever laugh so hard that it hurts? do you ever get the giggles and laugh until you cry? laughing with friends is better than any medicine. when i was a kid, i would get the giggles and couldn't stop laughing. i had to leave class on several occasions because i just couldn't get myself together to stop laughing. those are the best kind of laughs. 

“You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.” 
― Jonathan Safran Foer

i think that allowing myself to feel the sadness. to feel my grief, and my hurt, and my pain. to feel the dark emotions that i avoided for so long. i think that feeling those emotions - letting them in - has allowed me to let in the good feelings. and these good feelings are filling me up with happiness. don't misunderstand, i still feel the bad feelings. i still have stress and anxiety and worries and fears and grief and sadness and all the pain of the world. but those feelings don't weigh me down. i feel uplifted. i feel like i can fly. 

“The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.” 
― Chuck Palahniuk,

i allowed myself to look inside. to face my own darkness. to be vulnerable. to put myself out there. i allowed myself to share my stories. and this has left me feeling happiness. 

“Learn to value yourself, which means: fight for your happiness.” 
― Ayn Rand

i am learning that i am worth something. i am worthy, and deserving. these are new words for me. and these are words that scare me. but also make me feel happy. 

“All happiness depends on courage and work.” 
― Honoré de Balzac

it has taken a great deal of work to get to this place. i have had to be brave and face my darkness and face my fears. i have had to take risks. and all of this has brought me happiness. 


so there it is, readers, i feel happy. something i never thought would happen. when you are numb to the bad feelings of the world, you are numb to the good feelings too. 

be kind to yourself, 
xoxo

“When the first baby laughed for the first time, its laugh broke into a thousand pieces, and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies.” 
― J.M. Barrie

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6Sxv-sUYtM&feature=kp

...

The little dogs laughed

The little dogs laughed

when i woke up and realized i was happy about

Nothing

when i looked in the mirror and smiled at an image

i did not recognize

when i gazed out my window and saw only

sorrow and pain

and greed

when i got up the courage to say “i'm angry”

when i began to accept what i had known for years

when i understood

what they had been trying to tell me

when i learned where their anger

came from

when i woke up

was when the cow

reached

the other side

of the

moon

****************************

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

butterflies, moths, and skippers.

today i read, "growth is painful. change is painful. but nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don't belong."

i don't feel stuck these days. i feel like i am learning to fly. 

as i am learning to fly, i wanted to go back to my butterfly metaphor ... but then i decided that i wanted to write about moths. i think they get a bad rap. 

what's the difference between a moth and a butterfly anyway? they are of the same species, they both go through complete metamorphosis, the are both winged creatures. but for some reason, butterflies are beautiful and moths are pests. 

there are differences between them, and for each difference there is often an exception. 

basic differences:

• moths are nocturnal, butterflies are not (except for the moths that are not)
• moths tend to rest with their wings open and butterflies rest with their wings up (unless they are sunning)
• butterfly antennae are wider at the tips and moth's are feathery. 
• butterflies have more colourful wings ... usually

and if that wasn't complicated enough, there is another category of butterfly moths called skippers. skippers have the traits of both. they fly during the day, have antenna like a butterfly, have the colouring and fuzzy body of a moth, but hold their wings differently than both; they hold their forewings separately from their hindwings. 

i have decided that i am a skipper - neither moth nor butterfly, spreading my wings at my own angle, not fitting neatly into one category or the other.

i am a skipper, learning to fly, practicing holding my wings. 

“Be different so that people can see you clearly amongst the crowds.” 
― Mehmet Murat ildan

i am different. i am different in that i am unique. and i am unique in that i am the same as everyone else. i think i stopped making sense there ... we are all human. we all have the same emotions. the same instincts. the same drives. i fit neatly into many a textbook description. but my sameness makes me who i am, and who i am is me. and there is only one of me. 

are you a butterfly, a moth, or a skipper? 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

i am ...

"Remind yourself of all the things you are besides your body. Make a list. Begin it with "I am..." and don't allow any negative judgments about your body to creep in. In case you forget, you are worthwhile, you are caring, you are growing--to name just a few attributes." - Geneen Roth

i have written some difficult posts. posts about addiction, about eating disorders, about death and loss ... but this post, THIS post, is proving to be much more challenging. writing about what i am without allowing any negative judgments is incredibly hard. 

i am ...

i am worthwhile, caring, growing. 

i am a daughter, a partner, a spouse, a sister, a cousin, an aunt, a niece. 

i am a teacher, a student, a learner, a singer, a guitar player, a piano note plunker. 

i am strong, wise, intelligent. 

i am a question asker, a seeker of knowledge, a pursuer of truth. 

i am loyal, kind, caring, helpful, honest, truthful, thoughtful, pensive. 

i am a woman, a lesbian, a dyke, a queer, a feminist, an activist, a writer, a reader, a blogger, a pacifist.

i am drinker of iced tea and hot tea, an eater of apples. 

i am hard and shiny, soft and sparkling, blurred and crisp. i am incongruous, dichotomous, and most importantly, i am here. 

now it's your turn. who are you? what are you? you are ...

be kind to yourself, to all of you,

xoxo

...

Stress

“I was a little excited but mostly blorft. "Blorft" is an adjective I just made up that means 'Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.' I have been blorft every day for the past seven years.” 
― Tina Fey

stress. 

we all have it. and some stress can be healthy. stress can be motivating. 

but some stress can be overwhelming and crushing. 

“You must learn to let go. Release the stress. You were never in control anyway.” 
― Steve Maraboli

often the things that stress me out are things that i have no control over - like other people's reactions to things. but then there are other things like being disorganized and not paying my bills on time. i control that aspect of my life and when it gets out of control, i need to take responsibility for it. but that doesn't make it any less stressful. 

the stress response is your body's way of protecting you - of telling you that there is something wrong. 

our responses to stress (fight, flight, or freeze) occur when we are overwhelmed. the problem is that the body doesn't distinguish between physical and psychological threats, so we react the same way. and the longer we are under the stress response the more ... well, stress it puts on our bodies. 

“In times of stress, the best thing we can do for each other is to listen with our ears and our hearts and to be assured that our questions are just as important as our answers.” 
― Fred Rogers

listening to ourselves is just as important as listening to each other. we know when we have had too much or are doing too much. but we often feel guilty pulling back on our commitments despite our stress level. asking ourselves the right questions about our ability to continue, about our health, is as important as making the decision to stop and take time for ourselves. without those questions, we can get swallowed up in our stress. 

“Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.” 
― Jane Wagner

some stress is unavoidable. it just is. life in this western society is go go go fast fast fast produce produce produce. and a person who stops to smell the roses is self-indulgent and selfish. which is totally untrue, by the way ... i know because i stepped out of my life for a few months and let myself practice self-care and the world didn't end. the world kept turning, in fact. and nothing fell apart just because i took time for myself. 

“Stress is the trash of modern life-we all generate it but if you don't dispose of it properly, it will pile up and overtake your life.” 
― Danzae Pace

so what? 

what do we do to deal with stress? well, quite frankly i am NOT an expert on dealing with stress. i'm the opposite of an expert. geez, one of my closest friends is nicknamed captain stressy pants, so between myself and my friends i know a LOT about what causes stress what affects it has on your body and on your health ... but when it comes to self-care, i am leaving it up to the Canadian Mental Health Association http://www.cmha.ca/mental_health/stress/#.U4-p0_ldUuc to give you advice:

Identify the problem. Is your job, school, a relationship with someone, or worries about money causing stress? Are unimportant, surface problems hiding deeper problems? Once you know what the real problem is, you can do something about it.

Solve problems as they come up. What can you do, and what are the possible outcomes? Would that be better or worse than doing nothing? Remember, sometimes solving a problem means doing the best you can—even if it isn’t perfect—or asking for help. Once you’ve decided on a solution, divide the steps into manageable pieces and work on one piece at a time. Improving your problem-solving skills is a long-term strategy that can help you feel like you’re in control again.

Talk about your problems. You may find it helpful to talk about your stress. Loved ones may not realize that you’re having a hard time. Once they understand, they may be able to help in two different ways. First, they can just listen—simply expressing your feelings can help a lot. Second, they may have ideas to help you solve or deal with your problems. If you need to talk with someone outside your own circle of loved ones, your family doctor may be able to refer you to a counsellor, or you may have access to one through your school, workplace, or faith community.

Simplify your life. Stress can come up when there are too many things going on. Learning to say no is a real skill that takes practice. Try to look for ways to make your to-do list more manageable.

Learn helpful thinking strategies. The way you think about situations affects the way you respond to them. Unhelpful thoughts, such as believing that everything must be perfect or expecting the worst possible outcome, can make problems seem bigger than they really are.

Learn about stress management. There are many useful books, websites, and courses to help you cope with stress. There are also counsellors who specialize in stress. There may be stress management courses and workshops available through your community centre, workplace, or school.

Start on the inside. Practices like yoga, meditation, mindfulness, prayer, or breathing exercises can help you quiet your mind and look at problems from a calmer, more balanced point of view. With time, these practices can help you manage your response to stressful situations as they come up.

Get active. Physical activity can be a great way to reduce stress and improve your mood. Activity could be anything from taking up a new sport to walking. The most important part is that it gets you moving and you enjoy it—it shouldn’t feel like a chore. If you experience barriers to physical activity, try talking to your doctor or care team for ideas.

Do something you enjoy. Making time for hobbies, sports, or activities that you find fun or make you laugh can temporarily give you a break from problems. Listen to music, read, go for a walk, see a friend, watch your favourite movie, or do whatever makes you feel good. This can give you a little mental distance from problems when you can’t deal with them right away.

so ... now i need to practice those strategies myself! i hope you can take something from this post. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

layers

i love nail polish. i have a whole bag of it. my aunt C taught me how to put on nail polish. she would paint my nails, put on music, and then we would dance around the living room shaking our hands to help the polish dry. for years, i had no idea that it would just dry on its own. i thought you had to do the nail polish dance, or at least shake your hands around and blow on your nails. 

i have a problem with nail polish though ... i can't seem to keep it on. i do my nails and within a few hours they are chipped ... within a day they are chipped badly and i have to take the polish off, or touch up the corners and tips of my nails. 

my toes, on the other hand ... well they get chipped or the polish rubs off, but i am too lazy to get out the nail polish remover and scrub my toe nails clean. so i paint another layer on top. and when that one starts to peel off, i paint another layer on top of that. 

layers. 

i think we paint layers on ourselves when we start to peel or chip. when we start to show our true selves, we panic and cover it up. just like when my nails start to show through the shiny enamel colour, i repaint to hide my nail. in the same way, we hide our true selves for fear of being vulnerable. 

“If we’re wrapping ourselves up to conceal any vulnerability, whatever happens to us has to go through all those extra layers. Sometimes love doesn’t even reach where we truly live.” ― Alexandra Katehakis

being known, truly known, is the scariest most beautiful feeling in the world. peeling back layers of colour, layers of protection, layers of identities, to reveal the truth underneath ... letting yourself be seen for who you truly are with all your "perfect imperfections" ... this is what it means to be vulnerable. this is what it means to be authentic. this is what it means to be loved. 

not all layers are there for protection from the outside world. some of our layers are simply experiences that make us who we are. each experience adds another layer to our life story. 

A grownup is a child with layers on.

Woody Harrelson

growing up is like learning that you don't need to do the nail polish dance to dry the colourful polish. each experience adds a layer of truth to ourselves. each event adds a layer to our life. 

will you peel your layers? remove them? paint over them? how will you expose yourself past your layers to let the world in and to let yourSELF out?

be kind to yourself, 

It's our challenges and obstacles that give us layers of depth and make us interesting. Are they fun when they happen? No. But they are what make us unique. And that's what I know for sure... I think.Ellen DeGeneres

xoxo

...

stillness

"Peace and contentment are feelings that take practice to achieve. They are not a consequence of being successful or being in love or being thin. They are, among other things, a consequence of stopping in the present moment and looking around." - Geneen Roth

i have been thinking about stillness. radical t sometimes asks me if i have tried being still. being still and listening. 

listening not to the sounds of the loud neighbours bbq, or the dog barking, or the tv blaring, or the ticking of the clock ... but listen to the voice inside of you. 

“Everything takes time. Bees have to move very fast to stay still.” ― David Foster Wallace

change within yourself isn't fast (unfortunately). it takes time. my friend D describes it like a swan ... on the surface there is calm and beauty, but under the surface the swan's feet are paddling like crazy just to stay afloat. 

taking the time for myself this year was the hardest and best thing i have ever done. putting oneself first isn't something that people are taught to do - especially women. so taking time off work and doing self-reflection and self-care was scary, difficult, and wonderful. 

“Being still does not mean don't move. It means move in peace.” ― E'yen A. Gardner

being still doesn't mean sitting cross-legged on the floor and meditating. being still means taking the time to listen to the voice inside of you; listen to what it has to say about your life, about what you are doing, about what you are thinking. being still means trusting yourself to tell yourself what you need - and what you need to know. 

“Sometimes you need to sit lonely on the floor in a quiet room in order to hear your own voice and not let it drown in the noise of others.” ― Charlotte Eriksson

there are times, however, when sitting cross-legged on the floor can be a good thing. meditation is a great way to be still. and yet, you can be still and listen inside without having to meditate. 

“Be the silent watcher of your thoughts and behavior. You are beneath the thinker. You are the stillness beneath the mental noise. You are the love and joy beneath the pain.” ― Eckhart Tolle

trust that you know yourself better than anyone else does. trust that you know both your mind and your body. trust that you are the expert on yourself and your life. and trust that, as nosy nora likes to tell me, you are the boss. you are the boss of yourself, of your life, and of your choices. 

“In the stillness the voice inside is louder, much louder, and cannot be ignored.” ― Diane Brown

taking the time to listen to yourself takes practice. and with practice comes the ability to hear yourself. that inner voice that is screaming to be heard becomes soft and calm and tells you what you are waiting to hear. for years, my inner voice screamed at me wanting so badly to be heard. the more is screamed, the louder it got, the harder it was for me to hear. inside was all noise and scrambled sounds. 

taking the time this year to be still has given me the ability to hear myself for the first time. and boy do i ever have a lot to say ...

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

“All truly great thoughts are conceived while walking.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

“All truly great thoughts are conceived while walking.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

i have rediscovered how much i love walking. 

the solitude and time to think. the repetition of one foot in front of the other, carrying your body forward. my best ideas come while i am walking. 

“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.” ― Steven Wright

there was a time when i would get up early every morning and take the dog for a walk, and then take the dog for a second walk when i came home from work. 

and i loved it. 

and then, over time, i got lazier and lazier and less and less motivated and my walks shrank from an hour to half an hour, and then to twenty minutes, and then to fifteen minutes, and then to once a day. (poor dog)

“But the beauty is in the walking -- we are betrayed by destinations.” ― Gwyn Thomas

and recently i have rediscovered the joy of forward motion. i was complaining to radical t this evening that i hate walking if i don't have a destination. i hate walking for the sake of walking. and then, i put on my shoes, tied the dog's leash around my waist and went for a walk with no destination and it felt so good. it felt good to move my body. nosy nora says that moving your body moves your hormones around and makes you feel better ... and i think she's right. 

my walk was joyful. 

dr. mike evans suggests that walking 30 minutes a day can make a big difference in your health. what he actually suggests is that we spend only 23 1/2 hours a day sitting, and spend 30 minutes walking. you can see his video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUaInS6HIGo

“A lone walker is both present and detached, more than an audience but less than a participant. Walking assuages or legitimizes this alienation.” ― Rebecca Solnit

i also complained to radical t about walking by myself. walking alone can be intimidating sometimes as i walk by creepy, leering men, i become afraid. we live in a world where men think that it is okay to cat call women (and much worse), and that makes me uncomfortable. and at the same time, walking alone is also liberating. 

taking the time to think and feel and be with my thoughts. taking the time for myself. taking the time for ME. 

not to mention the happiness expressed by the dog who has missed our long walks. 


“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.” 
― Ellen DeGeneres

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

realistic idealist

i don't have much to say today ... 

never forget to tell people when they are alive how much they mean to you. because you don't know what will happen in the future. you don't know what will happen this evening. 

i have been thinking a lot this last week about my friend gigi who died when we were 18. as i wrote in my post on the weekend, ( http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/05/gigi.html )   i received a pile of her letters that i thought i had lost. and these letters have left me a lot to think about. she was an incredible young woman who had a lot to say about the world. 

 "I’m getting an education so I can stop the starving and fighting and crying and dying and rapes and murders and injustices and and and and and but do I really believe I can? 
Stop it dammit, one person can do a hell of a lot and it’s because people give up and say “well what can I do?” that the world is politically and economically and morally a revolving bowl of shit. 
Fuck them all. 
I’m sick of them telling me that I’m an idealist who will one day see the light. They’re just giving themselves excuses to give up and buy BMWs. And I’m not a flaky idealist. I’m a cynical, realistic, idealistic bitch and they better get used to it (who the fuck are “they” anyway?) 
realistic idealist. Realistic that my ideals can be achieved."

a realistic idealist. 

i love that title. i realistically believe in my ideals. i believe that i can make a change in the world, like gigi did. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

changes

Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'. - Bob Dylan

i hate change. there aren't enough words to explain how uncomfortable change makes me. and yet, change is constantly happening. good changes, bad changes, neutral changes. i hate them all. 

this post is for all the people in my life being forced to change. especially LAC (... yes you, i'm talking about you ...) who is moving on to greener pastures whether she wants to or not, whether she is willing to admit that they are greener or not ...

“Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change.” 
― Mary Shelley

we navigate our way through the world in the safety of what we know ... what we are used to ... what is comfortable. the idea of something new and different is scary to us. we fear what we don't know. we doubt ourselves and our abilities. in the midst of change, we forget that we always have options. we externalize our worth rather than looking within - we define ourselves by what job we have, how much money we make, what we own, and how we are seen. real change means accepting that who we are matters more than what we are. the truth is that we cling to what we know for fear of losing what we have; for fear of losing ourselves in what we don't know. 

there is one fact that we often forget: we take ourselves with us wherever we go. you can't leave yourself behind no matter how many changes you make (or are forced into making).

Come writers and critics
Who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide
The chance won't come again
And don't speak too soon
For the wheel's still in spin
And there's no tellin' who
That it's namin'
For the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times they are a-changin'.- Bob Dylan

change is discomfort. change is facing the unknown. sometimes facing your fears. this can be really scary, and it can also be really exciting. everything is in a constant state of change. nothing stagnates. 

“Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn't stop for anybody.” 
― Stephen Chbosky

life doesn't stop. for anybody. for anything. the world turns whether we stand still and cry or run around in circles screaming about the changes that we don't want to happen. people grow, people change, people move on. and we have to keep living. 

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” 
― Lao Tzu

the world is in a constant state of change. life is full of cycles, but things don't cycle back in exactly the same way. the flowers come back after the winter, but they aren't the same flowers. they are new flowers from the same bulbs. 

“The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.” 
― C. JoyBell C.

throw yourself ... it is time to embrace change - as much as we drag our feet and stagnate in what we know, the world is in a constant state of change. it is the one thing that we can count on. captain stressy pants says that the world would be boring without change. that doesn't make me hate it any less. but i am willing to throw myself, to be open to possibilities that come with changes. 

Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don't criticize
What you can't understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is
Rapidly agin'
Please get out of the new one
If you can't lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin'.- Bob Dylan


“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.” 
― Maya Angelou

sometimes staying in the position that we are in means staying in a situation that is not good for us. sometimes we think that we are happy because we have been here for so long that we think this is what happiness is. and then, surprisingly, things in the new place are better and we discover that the change was a good thing. 

LAC, i have a message for you:

“You may feel very secure in the pond that you are in, but if you never venture out of it, you will never know that there is such a thing as an ocean, a sea.” 
― C. JoyBell C.

we get so used to what we know, that even when what we know is unhealthy we want to stay. you don't know what is out there. you don't know how good other people have it because we, you AND i, have been here in this place for so long. we call it home. we call it family. and family doesn't stop being family just because you move away. we will always been family. this will always be a second home. and you are going to find joy in the new place with the new people and with children who WANT to learn. 

The line it is drawn
The curse it is cast
The slow one now
Will later be fast
As the present now
Will later be past
The order is
Rapidly fadin'
And the first one now
Will later be last
For the times they are a-changin'.

- Bob Dylan

“Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.” 
― Eckhart Tolle

i hate change. and i am trying to embrace it. i am trying to get used to the idea of my friends leaving my school, of nosy nora moving her office, of the furniture in my living room being rearranged, of driving a rental car instead of my own, of meeting with a new doctor today and another new doctor in a few weeks ... i am trying to embrace the changes within my self. i am trying to get used to the idea of saying what i think, of expressing my feelings, of allowing myself to HAVE feelings, of allowing myself to FEEL those emotions, of standing up for myself ...

change isn't all bad. even the hard change has a purpose. and besides ...


“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” 
― Margaret Mead

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo
...