infertility

this week was another hard week. one minute i was heartbroken and devastated and the next i was hopeful and looking forward to potential and possibilities. 

this week i did a lot of thinking about infertility. and let me tell you, they weren't happy thoughts ... 

being infertile makes me feel defective. 

broken. 

one thing that sets women apart from men is the ability to bare children. and i can't. 

and i wont. 

“The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?” 

― Laura Bush 

infertility hurts. i ache. there is no cure for my infertility and there is no cure for this pain. there are no words for the absence of a child. if i had a child and lost it, then people would know. people would understand that i am grieving. 

this week a student asked me, "why don't you have any kids? aren't you going to be lonely for the rest of your life?" 

stab.

right in the heart.  

we tried. for 2 1/2 years. we tried hormones and pills and injections and daily blood tests at 7am, and intrusive ultrasounds every second day and hundreds and hundreds of dollars. and each time we would hope. we would dream. we would be sure that this was the time that would work. and it never was. the test would always come back negative. i can't count how many test strips i peed on. 

“I found that each time a test was negative, it stopped the dreaming and hoping for a while. Taking the test was a way of puncturing the balloons of hope, because if I didn't, they would lift and lift without any evidence, and their falling back down every month was too painful. Essentially, I took all these tests to keep myself from hoping, because the hoping was breaking my heart.” 
― Shauna Niequist

infertility makes me feel like i wasn't supposed to be born a woman. like everything about me is all wrong. like i am broken inside. the cause of my infertility is too many androgens - too many male hormones. and i have male pattern baldness. what the fuck? how is that fair? i am a woman. i am supposed to have female hormones. i am supposed to have hair on the top of my head. i am supposed to ovulate. i am supposed to have regular periods. 

i am supposed to be able to make a baby. 

and i can't. 

since the beginning of human history, all over the world, a woman's worth has been defined by her uterus and it's productivity. i am supposed to have the CHOICE of whether or not i want to have a baby. i don't have that choice. 

and it kills me. 

“I remember thinking about how mothers were prepared to run into burning buildings to save their children's lives. I thought I should be able to go through a bit more suffering, a bit more inconvenience to give my children life. It made me feel noble. But now I realize I'm a crazy woman running into a burning house for children who don't exist.” 
― Liane Moriarty

eventually we had to stop. stop the craziness that was our lives. stop the roller coaster. stop the hoping and the dreaming. stop the heart ache that came with every negative test. 

and every negative test came with guilt about my body and it's inability to do such a simple thing as ovulate and fertilize and keep a child. something that billions of women across the world do every year. and i couldn't. 

guilt. 

i am trying to take my health into my own hands. to fight against this disease that i have. to take strides to take care of myself. i am trying. and it is hard. and no matter what i do, i have to live with this. i have to live with too many male hormones. i have to live with too much insulin. i have to live with hair loss. i have to live with weight gain and difficulty losing weight. i have to live with not being able to handle eating sugar. i have to live with being infertile. 

... needless to say, this was an emotional week. and i can't believe i made it to friday. but here i am, alive and full of possibilities. 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

“All truly great thoughts are conceived while walking.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

“All truly great thoughts are conceived while walking.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

i have rediscovered how much i love walking. 

the solitude and time to think. the repetition of one foot in front of the other, carrying your body forward. my best ideas come while i am walking. 

“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.” ― Steven Wright

there was a time when i would get up early every morning and take the dog for a walk, and then take the dog for a second walk when i came home from work. 

and i loved it. 

and then, over time, i got lazier and lazier and less and less motivated and my walks shrank from an hour to half an hour, and then to twenty minutes, and then to fifteen minutes, and then to once a day. (poor dog)

“But the beauty is in the walking -- we are betrayed by destinations.” ― Gwyn Thomas

and recently i have rediscovered the joy of forward motion. i was complaining to radical t this evening that i hate walking if i don't have a destination. i hate walking for the sake of walking. and then, i put on my shoes, tied the dog's leash around my waist and went for a walk with no destination and it felt so good. it felt good to move my body. nosy nora says that moving your body moves your hormones around and makes you feel better ... and i think she's right. 

my walk was joyful. 

dr. mike evans suggests that walking 30 minutes a day can make a big difference in your health. what he actually suggests is that we spend only 23 1/2 hours a day sitting, and spend 30 minutes walking. you can see his video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUaInS6HIGo

“A lone walker is both present and detached, more than an audience but less than a participant. Walking assuages or legitimizes this alienation.” ― Rebecca Solnit

i also complained to radical t about walking by myself. walking alone can be intimidating sometimes as i walk by creepy, leering men, i become afraid. we live in a world where men think that it is okay to cat call women (and much worse), and that makes me uncomfortable. and at the same time, walking alone is also liberating. 

taking the time to think and feel and be with my thoughts. taking the time for myself. taking the time for ME. 

not to mention the happiness expressed by the dog who has missed our long walks. 


“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.” 
― Ellen DeGeneres

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

PCOS part 2

i have been thinking, and reading, and dealing with my diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) quite a bit lately. mostly, i have been feeling down and depressed and hating my body and hating my invisible disease that causes visible symptoms. and i have also been feeling thankful for living in canada. American health costs money - lots of money. living in the USA means paying for healthcare through insurance or through your pocket. often the specialists like endocrinologists or reproductive endocrinologists don't accept insurance and patients pay out of pocket, submit to their insurance company (if they have health insurance) and hope that some of it is covered. 

but what about the hundreds of thousands of women who can't afford to do that? or who don't even know that they have PCOS? 

these thoughts make me feel lucky to live in a country where i take for granted that i have an appointment with an endocrinologist. even though i have to wait 6 months for the appointment, the government will pay for me to see her and she will monitor all my hormonal and endocrine symptoms and ailments. 

yesterday i was listening to a podcast from PCOS Challenge (http://www.pcoschallenge.com/) that was about PCOS and depression. it was really interesting. Dr. Gretchen Kubacky (http://drgretchenkubacky.com/) was talking about PCOS as dealing with loss ...

• loss of femininity 
• loss of reproductive health
• loss of womanhood
• loss of health
• loss of being "normal"
• loss of freedom to eat and drink as you please

these are things that i have been dealing with but wasn't able to put a name to it. i wasn't able to call it "loss" because i am relatively healthy, live in a lovely home, have wonderful friends and family, a good job, and no real reason to feel down and upset about my PCOS diagnosis. but listening to Dr. Gretchen, and listening to the idea of loss in relation to dealing with a diagnosis made so much sense to me. 

i can't eat the way other people eat and feel good. i just can't. and yet, i am eating however i want and feeling like crap all the time. sugar feels good in the moment, but affects me for hours afterwards. 

i think the hardest symptom for many of us PCOS cysters is the hair loss. you can recognize us by our thinning hair and receding hairlines. and it sucks more than i can put into words. the other symptoms that suck are anxiety, brain fog, irritability, poor sleep, and depression. yay! party time!

the idea of the loss of normality, the loss of health, the loss of my fertility ... all of these things have a bigger impact on my mental health than i was aware. 

when i was first diagnosed 4 years ago, i followed the doctor's orders, i read, and learned, and i felt hopeful. and then over time, as my hair continued to fall out, i continued to gain weight, i continued to not get pregnant ... i slowly began to become lax on the doctor's instructions. if following the nutrition guidelines wasn't helping then what was the point? 

now, 4 years later, i am slowly becoming more aware of how impacted by this diagnosis i really am. and how much it affects all aspects of my life. my goal now is to go back to my reading, and learning, and seeking out expert advice. and most importantly, telling people about PCOS and how it impacts me. 

i know that this post isn't exciting, and isn't full of pithy humour and advice, but for my cysters out there, i think this post is important. and it is part of owning my story and explaining where i am at on my journey. being vulnerable by sharing this part of my story takes away the shame of it. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

... 

Reflecting, Renewing, Rejoicing

pausing to notice ...

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” ― Søren Kierkegaard

Reflection

A little reflection will show us that every belief, even the simplest and most fundamental, goes beyond experience when regarded as a guide to our actions.William Kingdon Clifford

this is a month of reflection for me. looking back, not just on the last 2 years of ttc, but also looking back at the last 35 years. listening to the voice in my head. sometimes the voice isn't nice. sometimes she is a bully. a mean girl.

i have been trying to listen to the voice in my head and hear what she is saying; it's hard to listen without believing her. it's hard to hear what she is saying without believing her. she can be really mean. she judges me, and my choices, harshly.

but it's important to listen to her in order to hear what she is saying so that i can figure out why she is saying it. where do my messages come from? where did i learn the things that i have learned?

lessons from the voice in my head:

1. never tell anyone when you are hurt. keep it to yourself. 
2. never ask for help. find a way to manipulate the help that you need without coming right out and saying "i need help"
3. if you eat one piece of chocolate, you have ruined everything, so you might as well eat the whole thing. and have a second because really? you messed up.
4. if someone is mad at you, that means they are leaving you and they never want to be your friend again, so smooth it over as quickly as possible. 

Your problem is you’re too busy holding onto your unworthiness.   – Ram Dass

Renewal

“Every single cell in the human body replaces itself over a period of seven years. That means there's not even the smallest part of you now that was part of you seven years ago.” ― Steven Hall, The Raw Shark Texts

it's a month of renewal. i have filled the fridge with fresh, locally grown, organic fruits and vegetables. i look forward to eating the fresh foods not only because of how good they taste, and how big the taste is, but because i know that it is good for me.

it makes my body feel good. it makes me feel good emotionally because it doesn't mess with my blood sugar or my hormone levels. but it also makes me feel good psychologically to know that i am making good choices.

today i bought a $7 loaf of bread.

Photo from Bunner's Website

that's nuts. or so i thought. but as i sat in the big red chair eating a slab of bread, still warm ... i decided i would have paid $14.

the bread is made from a blend of bean flours, which gives it extra fiber and protein. but it also has no dairy, no eggs, and no wheat. amazing. it tastes like a spongy white bread. (click here see the link under the photos to go to the Bunner's website if you live in toronto and want to visit this fantastic bakery)

on my kitchen counter right now there are two treats: a cinnamon bun and a vanilla cupcake - both of which are also made with no wheat, no eggs, and no dairy. vegan and gluten-free. sweetened with agave. i can't even begin to describe my excitement.

Photo from Bunner's Website

getting excited about food again is a wonderful feeling. knowing that the food tastes good, is good for me, and wont make me feel sick or sad or anxious or moody. it's an incredible feeling.

i took the time today to really experience the time at acupuncture. to feel the points the needles were in. to feel how my muscles feel. to feel the tension in my muscles. to try to relax the muscles - to release the tension. it feels like in that hour, i am renewing my energy for the week.

Rejoice

Be Content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.Lao Tzu

how do you rejoice when there is so much craziness and despair in the world around you? how do you face each day, knowing what is going on in the world? it isn't easy. i am a person who thinks a lot. a person who wonders. a person who ponders what everyone else in the world is doing. i think about my students. i think about my friends. i think about people in other countries. i think about everyone. so how do i take time to rejoice?

i am working on myself. on rejoicing in the small things in life that make me who i am - that make my life what it is.

Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.   – Eleanor Roosevelt

i savour the taste of the fresh, soft, warm bread. i slowly sip my once a day chai latte instead of gulping it down.

i revel in sitting in the livingroom making crochet flowers while BB unravels the wool for me.

i appreciate long car rides with BB, listening to music, looking at the sights around us, appreciating each other's company.

i am rejoicing in the smell of fresh cut grass, the taste of agave in my tea, the sounds of giggling children at the park. i am rejoicing in being with people who make me feel good, who make me feel worthy and valued and like i can be myself. i am rejoicing in seeing old friends, getting a hug, watching friends finish a giant bottle of wine, making plans to do things i wouldn't normally do -  like drive to strafford to see a show, or drive to barrie to see a half-price movie with my best friend, or sit at the coffee shop ACROSS from starbucks (*wink*).

i am rejoicing in thinking about going back to work. meeting my new students. seeing how the returning students have grown. hearing about their summer vacations. getting back into the routines.

i am rejoicing in knowing that soon i will go back to school shopping: the smell and feel of fresh new pencils, pencil crayons, erasers ....

in the midst of chaos, struggle, and major changes, there is good.

If you’re going through hell, keep going.   – Winston Churchill

through reflection, renewal, and rejoicing, the good in the world shines brightly.

my hope for you, whether you are ttc, or starting a new job, or dealing with the health of your family, my hope for you is that you can find the beauty in the day and focus your energy on the positive.

much love,

xoxo


....

there are angels everywhere ... you just have to open your eyes ...

i have posted before about angels who are helping me through this. i have talked at length about gigi and april and how i talk to them and ask them for guidance and for strength.  


and i have posted before about how my most of my angels are here are earth with me:


@ ARD who says funny things about my infertility like "well, they need to fix that." 


@ DV who texts "yay yay yay!" and listens with patience to my detailed descriptions of levels and ultrasounds and my whining and complaining. 


@ HC and GC who send love love love and have been drivers in the most awkward situations imaginable. 


@ AS who gives us love and hugs and comes for tea when she knows we need a distraction. 


@ GT who listens to ALL OF IT and says "no!" at all the right parts and covers for me every time i have an early ultrasound or get caught in traffic after blood work.


 and of course, the most important, 


@ BB, who rubs my belly and talks to my ovaries and lets me cry and tells me it will be okay and reminds me of what this is all for. 


but this week i met a new angel. VS. she was my dance teacher for all 5 years of high school. i went to a show on thursday night and VS was there. we said hello and hugged. and then she said something that i have been replaying over and over in my head. she said:

"i can feel something big is going to happen for you. i can feel it standing right here with you. i want you to open yourself to the universe. be open to creation. focus on being open and then just sit back and watch. don't stress. don't think about it. just watch what you will create." 

drawing borrowed from this website

i have decided that the angels are everywhere: 

@ Bernice who stabs me for blood, but who always makes me laugh and who tells me an abridged version of the clinic gossip (i hope she wins at BINGO soon). 

@ Anna, the nurse, who listens to the doctor and makes faces behind his back when he is babbling about yak urine and yams. 

@ the pharmacist who prepares my prescription each month and makes sure that nothing i am taking will interfere with fertility. 

@ MHD-Z who reads my emails and tells me everything will be alright. who told me to give my body a break and that the 74 day cycle was due to hormonal imbalance from all the drugs in the fall. 

@ CR who asked the most inappropriate questions after only having spoken to her once before, but who made me realize that even though we have been "trying to conceive" for a year and a half, we have actually only had 2 IUIs which in the grand scheme of things is not very long at all. it's about average to take 3-6 tries. 

@ Pokey Sue, who sticks seventy-three needles in me twice a week and balances my chi and got rid of my cysts. 

(april at a picnic at the zoo with a friend's baby. 

she would be made a wonderful mama)

There are angels everywhere. 

you just have to open your eyes. 

xoxo

.......