friendship

i have no reached over 20,000 page views on my website. it's hard for me to believe that many people have viewed my site. 

i have so much that i want to write about and share with the world. and it's so exciting to see that people from all over the world have visited my site. 

today i want to talk about friendships and how they ebb and flow. 

No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow.Alice Walker

friends are the most important thing in life. friends are there for you and don't crush your dreams. friends are there to support you as you change and grow. over time sometimes friendships fade and people move in and out of each other's lives. it's a sad fact of life. 


True friendship is like a rose: we don’t realize its beauty until it fades.Evelyn Loeb

sometimes we don't know what we had until it is gone. there are times when you just grow apart from your friendship. and other times when something comes between you. 

Oh, sometimes I think it is of no use to make friends. They only go out of your life after awhile and leave a hurt that is worse than the emptiness before they came.L.M. Montgomery

losing a friend is hard and sad and heartbreaking. it leaves you broken in a way that can't be healed. there are holes in my heart from friends who have drifted away. sometimes people change and grow apart from each other. it happens. and it's sad. 

A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument. A real friend knows that it’s not a friendship until after you’ve had a fight.Unkown

fighting with a friend is the worst. because you can't kiss and make up. but disagreeing is part of life. and finding ways to fight in a healthy way is part of relationships. 


Cutting people out of your life is easy, keeping them in is hard.Walter Dean Myers

i have lost more friends than i can count. 

for some reason, people decide not to like me anymore. one day they are my friend and then suddenly they aren't. it has happened time and time again. it started in high school. there was a group of us who were best friends. we did everything together. and then one of them decided that she didn't like me. and she convinced the rest of the group not to like me anymore. so they all stopped talking to me and didn't include me in anything anymore. 

it broke my heart. 

and it happened more than once in high school and in university. 

it even happened to me as an adult. one day R was one of my closest friends. for a few years. and then i turned my back on her once in a meeting to speak to someone else. and that was it. poof. end of friendship. she hasn't spoken to me since then. 8 years later i don't miss her friendship at all. 

other friendships i miss. G was my best friend in university. we shared everything. and when we moved away, we remained good friends. we talked all the time and visited each other. i flew to ottawa from halifax to see her. and then over time we drifted away from each other. and it hurts. 

friends come and go in our lives. 

and then there are the friends who will always be there no matter how much time passes between when you see them. there are people who i rarely see but still consider to be my closest friends. 

treasure your friends. hold them close. treat your friends the way that you want them to treat you. be kind to them. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

the number yellow ...

sometimes trying to explain what is happening to me these days is like trying to spell the number yellow. 

there isn't really a why. 

there is a just an is. 

why don't i want to go to work? why don't i want to do anything when i am at work? why don't i enjoy singing anymore? why don't i want to get out from under my blanket cocoon? why don't i want to get off the couch? or leave the house? 

there is no one answer for anything of these things. 

nothing "happened" to set this in motion. nothing changed. 

except me. and my willingness to be vulnerable and to "lean into" the darkness. 

i was reading some poetry that i wrote when i was a teenager. in my memory, it was angst. but reading it now, all i can say is ... HOLY CRAP I WAS SAD !!! i was so, so, so sad. my poems are dark, and lonely, and sad, and longing for something. longing to be heard, to feel loved, to feel understood. 

looking back, i can see that i have suffered from depression my entire life. it just wasn't identified as depression. and i found ways to self-medicate and to repress my feelings, and to stuff them down with food. 

there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and not just because butterflies don't get to choose to morph from their caterpillar state and leave their cocoon ... there is a light at the end of the tunnel because i am not going through this alone. i am getting the help and the support that i need. 

finally. 

i am finally DEALING with the things that i have never dealt with. dealing with the things that i just ignored. 

and it's challenging. 

and i am doing it anyway. 

but it will take patience. from myself and from the people around me. people who have gotten used to me picking up my pieces and just dealing. 

right now, i am still trying to find all my pieces. and some of them are lost. and i will find them. and it is going to take time. 

oh, and one more thing that brings the light ... 

there is a way to spell the number yellow. 

it actually CAN be done. 

the number yellow is actually spelled F-I-V-E. i learned my numbers as colours and still think in colours when i add and subtract. 

i guess that means that even the most complicated situation has an explanation, even if it is tricky to understand. and even if it only makes sense in my own head. 

to me, 

5 + 5 = orange. 

and 

brown - red = 6. 

maybe things aren't nearly as complicated as they first appear. maybe i need to be patient with myself, and listen ...

                                                                  cuisenaire rods link

xoxo

...

Sticks and stones and names all hurt

i was taught to say "sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me." 

i was also taught to say "i'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks on you." 

what a load of crap. 

i saw this photo on facebook last night. i don't know how to credit it because i don't know where it came from. 

but i saw it and said YES! exactly. 

i have the (un)fortunate ability to remember most things. not facts. i have never been good with statistics or memorizing general knowledge. that's why i failed math and chemistry. formulas go over my head. 

but when it comes to things that happen or things that people say, it's like I have a video camera in my head. 

i don't remember every single thing, obviously, but I remember an awful lot. and i remember a lot that's awful. 

words, sarcasm, comments, snide remarks, things said in frustration or anger ... they stay with me. i remember it all. and i remember how it made me feel. which is worse. 

as a teacher, i work very hard at choosing my words. that's not to say that i'm never sarcastic. because i'm extremely sarcastic. and i tease a bit too. but i work very hard at not saying something that could hurt or that could stay with them throughout their lives. and my students laugh with me.

and if i do unintentionally hurt a student, we talk about it and i apologize and i repair the relationship. 

as I said before, memorizing things has never been my strength. formulas are tricky for me. and patterns. spelling is all patterns and formulas. 

spelling has never been my strength and has been a constant source of embarrassment. 

in grade 7, i had a science test. there was a question that said "what is the difference between weight and mass?" i don't remember my answer, but i remember getting the test back and red writing in the margin ... my teacher wrote:

"the difference between weight and mass is that you know how to spell mass."

i remember my mom laughed. she thought it was funny. i was humiliated. and i've never forgotten it. 

i have the unfortunate ability to remember all the mean things that have ever been said to me. even if those mean things were meant as a joke. 

in middle school, i was bullied. 

i don't mean teased and picked on. i mean bullied. i mean relentlessly teased, taunted, called names, and made to feel like a worthless, unloveable, non-human. 

boys would throw condoms at me in the cafeteria. there's more. but i'm not ready to share that so publicly. 

Yet. 

one afternoon, i went to my locker and someone had written in large red letters "you look like a fucking gorilla" ... my world came crashing down around me. 

i ran all the way to my old school to tell my favourite teacher. i expected hugs, and care, and support. i expected her to call my school and tell them. i expected her to help me. 

but she didn't. 

i was sobbing and told her what they had written on my locker and she laughed. she said "sorry, i'm just trying to picture what gorillas look like when they're fucking." 

i was crushed. it felt like my one hope at help abandoned me. 

so i never turned to an adult for help after that. i let the bullying continue. and although i remember it all, i never told anyone. 

the truth is, sticks and stones may break my bones, but bones will heal ... the names you call me and the things you say will always hurt me. 

xoxo

.....