scared part 2

yesterday i wrote a post about 50 things that i was scared of. but since then i have thought of so many more things that scare me. 

51. being authentic in case it means no one likes me.
52. i can't sleep with any part of me hanging over the side of the bed (or too close to the edge of the bed) in case something grabs me. or someone. 
53. dogs.
54. gory movies.
55. my parents dying.
56. snakes.
57. people who get angry.
58. my car dying in the middle of nowhere.
59. flat tires.
60. death in general.
61. guns.
62. violence.
63. being late.
64. not sleeping. 
65. sleeping too much.
66. anxiety.
67. being pulled over by the police.
68. wild animals.
69. being reincarnated as a frog. ok, not really. that one was for nosy nora. 
70. that there is life after death and i will have to live all over again and never get to just sleep.
71. that there is no life after death and this is all we have.
72. moving.
73. debt.
74. panic attacks.
75. anger.
76. yelling.
77. ants in my house.
78. drugs.
79. driving in the dark.
80. driving in the dark in the rain.
81. driving in a snow storm.
82. war.
83. genocide.
84. tornadoes.
85. the power going off.
86. bad credit.
87. running out of money.
88. my teeth falling out. 
89. strangers.
90. getting in trouble at work. 
91. having to work forever.
92. not being able to work. 
93. tv shows and movies about violence.
94. DP leaving me.
95. ghost stories.
96. public bathrooms.
97. cancer.
98. not being able to pay the bills.
99. the dark.
100. running out of things to write about.

and that makes my top 100 things that i am afraid of. there's a few repeats from yesterday's list i think. but that's only 'cause those things are really scary. 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

scared

i have noticed that many of my readers are from Russia. I wanted to say welcome and thank you for reading my blog. 

Добро пожаловать и спасибо за чтение моего блога . Я ценю, что ты , что нашли время , чтобы посетить мой сайт и читать мои мысли .

Dobro pozhalovat' i spasibo za chteniye moyego bloga 

YA tsenyu, chto ty , chto nashli vremya , chtoby posetit' moy sayt 

i chitat' moi mysli 

as halloween approaches, i thought it would write about things that scare me. the list is long. and sometimes irrational. 

here are my top 50 fears:

1. i am afraid of getting lost
2. i am afraid of not finding parking
3. i am afraid of my car breaking down - or spontaneously exploding
4. i am afraid of getting a flat tire
5. i am afraid of dark parking lots
6. i'm afraid of dark streets at night
7. i'm afraid of being raped.
8. i'm afraid of being murdered
9. i'm afraid of burning dinner when i cook
10. i'm afraid of people being mad at me
11. i'm afraid when people yell
12. i'm afraid of the news
13. i'm afraid of dogs
14. i'm afraid of being wrong
15. i'm afraid of breaking the rules
16. i'm afraid of being fat forever
17. i'm afraid of being in trouble
18. i'm afraid of insects
19. i'm afraid of mice and rats
20. i'm afraid of police
21. i'm afraid of bad guys
22. i'm afraid that if i drive with the windows open someone will reach inside and steal my bag
23. i'm afraid of my car windows being smashed in (which has happened twice so it's not irrational)
24. i'm afraid of drinking too much
25. i'm afraid of getting stuck on an elevator
26. i'm afraid of my house being broken into
27. i'm afraid of the people i love dying
28. i'm afraid of losing my friends
29. i'm afraid of being car jacked or shot
30. i'm afraid of a shooting happening at my school
31. i'm afraid of guns
32. i'm afraid of stray cats
33. i'm afraid of magic being real and i'm afraid that it's not
34. i'm afraid of men i pass walking down the street
35. i'm afraid of strangers
36. i'm afraid of my fears
37. i'm afraid of death
38. i'm afraid of living
39. i'm afraid of sleeping to much and of sleeping too little
40. i'm afraid of sharing too much
41. i'm afraid of scary movies
42. i'm afraid of shows like "criminal minds"
43. i'm afraid of my friends changing their minds about wanting to be friends with me (which has happened numerous times and isn't an irrational fear either)
44. i'm afraid of my teeth falling out
45. i'm afraid of car commercials, and credit card commercials
46. i'm afraid to take pills and i'm afraid not to
47. i'm afraid of spiders
48. i'm afraid of money - of not having enough, of owing too much
49.i'm afraid of my back being sore
50. i'm afraid of the subway. 

i am pretty much afraid of something all the time. it's exhausting. do any of you have any advice to deal with my fears?

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

hoping for karen

“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” 
― Alexander Pope

when i was two years old, my mom took me to see the nutcracker. karen kain was dancing the role of clara and i fell in love with ballet, with karen kain, and with the nutcracker. 

that chrismas my dad rigged up the tree by tying it with fishing line to nails he put in the walls and the floor. all so that i could dance around the tree like clara. 

when i was 3, i started ballet lessons. and i stayed in dance class until i was 19. at 5, i started to get books about karen kain, who much to my pleasure, used to sneak out of dance school for donuts and pastries. 

my mom took me to the ballet to see karen kain 3 more times and every time .... all three times!! ... the understudy danced. no karen for me. 

i find that happens to me a lot. i go into something hoping for the best and end up disappointed. so how do we deal with disappointment? how do we pick ourselves up and keep going when your third trip in a row to the ballet has an understudy dancing?

1. share your feelings. there's nothing wrong with venting about your disappointment. it's better than keeping it bottled up.

2. ask yourself how serious your disappointment is. is not seeing karen kain dance as serious as losing a job? 

3. think about all the things that you are thankful for. the reality is that your list of gratefulness will likely be longer than your current disappointment. 

4. take some time to let yourself feel disappointed. it's ok. it's a feeling and it will pass (says nosy nora). but at some point it's good to start thinking positively. you can't stay disappointed forever. 

5. Practice acceptance and we may suffer less as it is happening and notice the good things in life more. Disappointment is a part of life, but all parts of life can help us grow. We can be present and aware even in the midst of negative emotions and therefore life more fully.  http://tinybuddha.com/blog/4-steps-to-deal-with-disappointment/

i'm not saying it's easy. i'm still hoping for karen. i have high hopes for good things to come. you have nothing if you don't have hope. 

hope. hope is the antidote for disappointment.  wikipedia defines hope as:

Hope is an optimistic attitude of mind based on an expectation of positive outcomes related to events and circumstances in one's life or the world at large. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hope


here is a guide to having hope if you are feeling hopeless ... http://www.wikihow.com/Have-Hope

hope. disappointment. it's okay to feel both of those feelings and everything in between. but it's important not to dwell on the disappointed side of the spectrum. 

You've gotta have hope
Mustn't sit around and mope
Nothin's half as bad as it may appear
Wait'll next year and mope - EDDIE FISHER      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mkz-YSRAYdA

be kind to yourself, 
xoxo

...

depression

there are several people in my life struggling with depression right now. aside from myself. the best post that i have read about depression is at http://daisiesandbruises.com/2014/09/27/full-weight-depression/

she wrote that depression feels like one of those vests they put on you when you get an x ray. and she talked about how it weighs you down. and how no one can fight it for you, it is something you have to do yourself no matter how much support you receive. 

it gets harder and harder to pretend to be fine all the time. harder to smile and to laugh. harder to do daily activities. depression saps your energy. there is a theory about spoons ( http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/ ) that explains how you start your day with a certain number of spoons and that each task uses up spoons. i often feel like i am out of spoons. nosy nora says you can always find more spoons . i spend my days looking for more spoons or finding ways to complete tasks without any spoons. 

i will keep this post brief in the hopes that you click on the link and read the post i mentioned above. because it explains depression and its effects better than i can. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

chocolate

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.” 
― Charles M. Schulz

chocolate should be its own food group. it stands on its own as the perfect food. not that waxy stuff they sell as chocolate bars. but real chocolate. i am partial to milk chocolate. 

“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” 
― Linda Grayson

i am terrible at sharing chocolate. i eat it fast sometimes without stopping to savour the taste and then its gone and i forgot to offer to share it. 

“Strength is the capacity to break a Hershey bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces.” 
― Judith Viorst

i have been practicing enjoying and tasting chocolate these days. and in doing so, i have discovered that i am not partial to chocolate bars that are waxy or full of other ingredients. but there is still something to be said for cadbury mini eggs. especially when you crack the shell carefully with your teeth, peel off the layers, and then suck on the chocolate inside as it melts in your mouth. 

chocolate tastes completely different when you really take the time to enjoy the flavour. letting it melt in your mouth. 

“Don't wreck a sublime chocolate experience by feeling guilty.
Chocolate isn't like premarital sex. It will not make you pregnant.
And it always feels good.” 
― Lora Brody

women on diets swear off chocolate. i'm here to tell you ... DON'T. chocolate is a reason to live. there is nothing to feel guilty about when eating chocolate. i'm not telling you to eat a giant box of chocolates every day. but one piece each day is completely acceptable. and highly encouraged. and knowing that you will have chocolate again tomorrow makes it easier to only eat a small bit each day. 

“The greatest tragedies were written by the Greeks and Shakespeare...neither knew chocolate.” 
― Sandra Boynton

imagine a world without chocolate?!?!?!?!?! there was a time in history when there were no chocolate bars. 

wow. 

what a tragedy. 

“Chocolate symbolizes, as does no other food, luxury, comfort, sensuality, gratification, and love.” 
― Karl Petzke

chocolate is the perfect food. it should be added to the food pyramid, right at the top, as something to be consumed daily for gratification. 

and that, my friends, is what i think about chocolate. 

be kind to yourself, and eat something sensual, 

xoxo

...

writers block

do you ever sit and stare at the screen wanting words to appear but not knowing what to say? the curser flashes over and over taunting me. i want to write but have nothing to say. 

“writing about a writer's block is better than not writing at all” 
― Charles Bukowski

i've been having a rough time these days but i don't know how to write about it. and at the same time, writing is the way i sort through what is going on in my head. 

“Who is more to be pitied, a writer bound and gagged by policemen or one living in perfect freedom who has nothing more to say?” 
― Kurt Vonnegut

not being able to write - not knowing what to say is painful. it is, in fact, soul sucking. so i am sitting here writing about not being able to write.

“Don’t waste time waiting for inspiration. Begin, and inspiration will find you.” 
― H. Jackson Brown Jr.

if i sit here and i just write ... letting the words flow out of me onto the screen, eventually i will write something meaningful. or at least i will have written a series of words. 

“I haven't written in a week. It's like holding your breath under water. You feel an awful constriction and then the instinct to propel yourself.” 
― D.A. Botta

not writing has been hard for me. i have been working on this post for 3 days. and it hasn't gone anywhere. like holding my breath under water. eventually i have to come up for air - and since writing is how i breathe, i have to write. 

“Writer's block is just another name for fear.” 
― Jacob Nordby

what am i afraid of? why can't i write? 

“The best way in the world for breaking up a writer's block is to write a lot.” 
― John Gardner

so here i sit, writing and writing with nothing to say. writers block. john gardner's advice is to write a lot. so here i sit. writing and writing. eventually something will make sense. 

i hope you aren't blocked in your creative outlet. i hope you are able to come up for air and breathe. 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

an open letter to Sue Monk Kidd

Dear Sue Monk Kidd,

The universe is a mysterious wonder. My name is April and I am experiencing my own mid-life turning point; the point at which I can no longer sit idly while my life is lived without me as an active participant.

I write a blog and had been writing about how I am in a state of emotional diapauses, and using the images of cocoons and butterflies and the idea of my internal metamorphosis. My friend was taking a course and met a woman who recommended reading When the Heart Waits. She read it and was amazed at how similar your story was to what was going on in my own life.

She loaned me her book and I began to read it. And with each page turn I felt more and more connected to you. The images of butterflies, the symbol of the cocoon and how similar it is to my own inner journey … each page drew me closer.

I know that I must sound like a total nut. And I am sure that there are thousands of people who write to you and tell you that your words spoke to them. 

Today I read the story about when a bird flew into your window. When I was 10, a bird flew into our window. My teacher got the bird and put it in a shoe box until it was ready to fly again. He spoke to me about waiting and healing. He taught me that sometimes we have to just wait for something to happen, and although we may not have patience, that it was okay to not have things happen right away. That things like healing take time. 

Rather than continue to tell you about this strong connection I feel to your writing, I would like to share with you a story about another symbol of mine which is foxes. They seem to appear to me at important times in my life.

recently i have been dealing with what radical t calls "the childhood event." and as i work my way through this event, and my shame around it, i often wonder if i am just crazy, or if it was really my fault, or if i made the whole thing up in the first place. 

so i decided to take a leap of faith, an impulsive one actually, and i emailed one of the people who was around during "the childhood event" and i asked some questions that i needed answers to. 

i wasn't expecting a response. but i got one. 

i spoke my truth. and i was validated. and heard. and the validation made my wings grow a little bit. 

i feel lighter this morning. i feel unburdened. 

when i first met nosy nora (my therapist), she used to say that it was like someone else was living my life; like i wasn't participating in my own life. i feel like it is MY life now. 

sharing my story, speaking my truth, is freeing me from the heaviness that i carry around. 

so i decided that i wanted to share another story with you. another truth. because speaking my story makes me strong each day. 

this time it is about foxes. 

The summer I was 17, I was dating a woman who was 21. It was new and exciting and confusing. I was in the woods writing in my journal and thinking about my life and feeling confused. And I looked up and there was a fox staring at me. And I just knew that it was going to be ok.

Then in grade 12, I was on the bus going to school and I was thinking about school and feeling confused and unsure about my education choices and if I should think about changing high schools ... and a fox trotted down Bloor street! And again, I just knew.

There were a few other significant sightings over those few years. But the most significant was in relation to my best friend Gigi (who this blog is named after).

I was at her house and I told Gigi about the importance of foxes in my life. She teased me and said that squirrels were her special animal because she sees them all the time. I went home and as I walked in the door, the phone was ringing. It was Gigi. She said there was a fox in her backyard with a squirrel in its mouth.

We laughed and laughed.

And 2 days later, Gigi died.

A week after her death, I was at her house in her sister's room. Her Dad was in Gigi's room and he suddenly called out "hey, have you ever seen a fox?" Her sister knew the fox story so we looked at each other and our jaws dropped. We ran to the bedroom and her mom joined us there.

The 4 of us stood at the window, crying, holding each other and watching this fox who just sat in the yard staring back at us.

It was moving and healing and there are no words to describe it.

i continue to see foxes at significant moments in my life. most recently i saw a fully intact dead fox on the side of the road. i cried and cried and CRIED. and i emailed Gigi's sister and told her about it. her response was touching:

Maybe the penetrating gaze of that intact dead fox on the driver's side on the highway yesterday, was a mirror to you: not a message that doom and gloom awaits you, but that it's time for your soul to finally rise up from the damaged (metaphorical) carcass that houses it and become the most fully alive, most vibrant and whole vibrational entity that it can be. It's your time to become whole, April, that's what the dead fox symbolizes for me.

i like to think that she is right. that in order for me to morph into a butterfly from this diapause state that i am in, to become the most vibrant and whole entity that i can be, i need to continue to tell my story, to speak my truth, and to heal. 

I wanted to thank you for your book, for your wisdom, and for this strong connection that I feel with you because of our similar stories.

Thank you,

Yours Truly,

April

courage

sometimes a song speaks to me. right now i am listening to "courage is" by the strange familiar. click here to listen. 

 the lyrics just ring true for me. 

Take all my vicious words and turn them into something good

Take all my preconceptions and let the truth be understood

Take all my prized possessions and leave only what I need

Take all my pieces of doubt and let me be what's underneath

- The Strange Familiar


let me be what's underneath all my doubt. i spend so much of my time doubting my abilities, doubting my strength, doubting my Self. 

We all have excuses why living in fear something in us dies

Like a bird with broken wings, its not how high he flies but the song he sings

- The Strange Familiar

we all have our limits, but we can rise above our limits to be our best selves. 

Courage is when you're afraid but you keep on moving anyway

Courage is when you're in pain but you keep on living anyway

It's not how many times you've been knocked down

It's how many times you get back up 

- The Strange Familiar

courage is living. life is hard. life can be really, really hard. life can knock you flat on your ass. getting up again and continuing to live is courageous. 

Courage is when you've lost your way but you find your strength anyway

Courage is when you're afraid

Courage is when it all seems grey

Courage is when you make a change and you keep on living anyway

You keep on moving anyway

You keep on giving anyway

You keep on loving anyway

- The Strange Familiar

keep on keeping on. finding the strength to keep going, to keep living, to keep being ... that is courage. 

as my dad always says, "don't let the bastards get you down." tell me about your courage by clicking here. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

be kind to yourself

i end every blog post with "be kind to yourself" but what do i mean? 

self love. self compassion. self kindness. these are difficult concepts. it is much easier to treat others with love, kindness, and compassion than it is to treat ourselves this way. but it is something that we must learn and must strive for. 

“Do your thing and don't care if they like it.” 
― Tina Fey

doing your thing and not caring who likes it is the ultimate love for yourself. 

“I think the reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself.” 
― Rita Mae Brown

conforming to what others (family, society, etc) expect of you is not self-love. it is in fact the opposite. it is crushing. you can't like yourself when you are not being your authentic self. 

“Dare to love yourself
as if you were a rainbow
with gold at both ends.” 
― Aberjhani

being able to treat yourself with kindness means believing that you are worth it. and that can be very challenging. believe me, i know. but being kind to yourself means not letting your inner critic win. you know, that voice in your head that tells you how stupid you are? what a loser you are? what stupid choices you've made? being kind to yourself means telling your inner critic to go fuck herself and telling yourself that you are okay. that you did okay. that no one is perfect. 

“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.” 
― C.G. Jung

accepting yourself completely means treating yourself with compassion. it means creating a new inner voice. one that speaks with kindness and love about your imperfections. 

“If you celebrate your differentness, the world will, too. It believes exactly what you tell it—through the words you use to describe yourself, the actions you take to care for yourself, and the choices you make to express yourself. Tell the world you are one-of-a-kind creation who came here to experience wonder and spread joy. Expect to be accommodated.” 
― Victoria Moran

when you treat yourself with kindness, compassion, and love, you are telling the world that you matter. you are telling the world how you expect to be treated. and you are demanding respect. treating yourself this way is an act of defiance against a world that tells you not to put yourself first. 

“The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself.” 
― Steve Maraboli

but putting yourself first is acceptable. because in the end, you need yourself. as much as you need other people, you need to love yourself and this starts with the way that you treat yourself. 

“Did your mom ever tell you, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything’? She was right–and talking nicely also applies when you’re talking to yourself, even inside your head.” 
― Victoria Moran

your inner critic, or what geneen roth calls The Voice, is loud. and she needs to be taken down a notch, or two, or ten. if you don't have anything nice to say to yourself, then don't say anything at all. self-kindness means speaking kindly to yourself even in your head. it means being gentle with yourself and forgiving yourself for things that you said or did. 

“I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” 
― Brené Brown

owning your story leads to self-acceptance, which leads to self-love. telling your story is not the same as owning it. anyone can tell their story. but owning it is courageous. it means accepting your story and thus yourself. this only leads to self-love. 

“She held herself until the sobs of the child inside subsided entirely. I love you, she told herself. It will all be okay.” 
― H. Raven Rose

inside us is a small child who still views the world through a child's eyes. loving that child, and being gentle with that child leads to a gentleness with your adult self. 

what does it look like to treat yourself with compassion and kindness? it looks like telling your inner critic to shut up and speaking to yourself gently. it looks like forgiving yourself. it means trusting yourself. 

believing that you are not a mistake that needs to be fixed. 

for example, after eating half a cheesecake and feeling like a complete and total loser, telling yourself gently that it's okay. that you ate a cheesecake. so what? tomorrow you wont eat a cheesecake. it looks like asking yourself why you needed to eat half a cheesecake? and accepting the answer. 

or when you are speaking to your boss and you say something that leaves you feeling embarrassed. you could beat yourself up, or you could be gentle with yourself the way you would with your best friend ... imagine speaking to your best friend the way you speak to yourself!?!? you wouldn't have any friends anymore! 

imagine speaking to yourself the way you speak to those you love. imagine how gentle and kind you would make yourself feel. 

“Loving oneself
Is the most primal
Of all survival mechanisms” 
― Karen Hackel

be kind to yourself, 
and gentle, and compassionate,

xoxo

...

purging

"For me, the shame of having eaten "too much" is more than the shame of purging. Feeling empty equals feeling in control." - blog reader

i recently worked up the courage to write about bingeing ... and now i am going to write about purging. 

purging is filled with so much shame and stigma. even more so than bingeing.

“We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need.” 
― Marya Hornbacher

when i was 13 years old, i started at a new school. it was terrifying. and i was severely bullied. each morning, i would hide in the bathroom at school, sick to my stomach, and i would throw up. and as time went on, it became more of a habit than a need. 

purging is often inevitable. when you feel like you have filled your belly. especially after a binge, when you feel disgustingly full. purging is the ultimate form of control. emptying yourself of all emotions. taking your energy and emptying yourself of all your thoughts.

i started to have panic attacks when i was 26. only i didn't know what they were. i, and my doctors, thought there was something physically wrong with me. it would start with a crushing sensation around my rib cage. and i would feel a sharp pain in my shoulder blade. and the only relief from the pain would be to make myself vomit. i even had my gallbladder taken out, the doctors thinking that my gallbladder was the cause. but the crushing pains continued. i had test after test and was put on all sorts of pills - pills to make my esophagus move, pills to deal with heartburn. 

it wasn't until last year that i came to realize and understand that it was panic attacks and that i was making myself throw up to relieve the pressure.  

“If you put the wrong foods in your body, you are contaminated and dirty and your stomach swells. Then the voice says, Why did you do that? Don't you know better? Ugly and wicked, you are disgusting to me.” 
― Bethany Pierce

after a binge, one feels disgusting and disappointed. one feels ugly and fat and stupid. and feels the need to rid oneself of the food that was consumed in a passion, in oblivion ...

“Your lowest moment in life can be your best if you survive it and learn from it” 
― Brian Cuban

i learned to control my purging. i learned to write instead of purge. it took time and support. it took survival skills. 

“You know you've got problems when your head is hanging over the toilet, puking up your dinner, and what you're thinking of is your dad. And how he thinks you're not pretty.” 
― Teresa Lo

people who purge do so for so many, many reasons. some of which have to do with body image or childhood trauma. often it has to do with a sense of the need for control. and other times it has nothing to do with body image but has to do with the need to deny one's feelings. to numb oneself to the pain of the world.

“In yet another paradox, bulimia nervosa serves as both an expression of feelings and a defense against experiencing feelings, particularly shame, anger, loneliness, sadness, envy, and guilt. A person with bulimia nervosa fear, whether consciously or unconsciously, that painful feelings would be unbearable, even annihilating".” 
― Sheila M. Reindl

painful feelings .... unbearable ... annihilating ... purging is ultimately empowering. it is a way to control the uncontrollable. 

bingeing and purging often go hand in hand. it begins with a diet. a sense of control. feeling like THIS time the diet will work. this time you will be able to control everything. but then, when you feel deprived, you cheat on your diet. you then feel like a total and complete loser. so you figure, what the hell, you might as well keep eating. so you eat and eat ...

“You see, a binge is almost always inevitable when one goes withut eating for such a long period of time. It doesn't just satisfy the physical hunger that becomes you; it nourishes the psychological need to escape from your own controlling mind. In this way, the binge presents itself as the ultimate loss of control.” 
― Leanne Waters

... and after the binge i feel worse than imaginable. i wake up from the loss of control and need to get that control back. to empty myself. 

it's a cycle of shame. shame of how you look or how you feel. shame about your choices. shame about what you put into your body and shame about what you took out. 

"My whole life I’ve leaned toward all-or-nothing thinking. Black or white. Binge or restrict. Terrible day or terrific.

In my mind I was either the energizer bunny or a sloth. I was either beautiful or blah. And how could I be beautiful if I was only pretty sometimes?

If I ate too much, I’d think F that, my diet is ruined! and pile on the extra helpings. I didn’t ask myself if I really wanted more, if I genuinely wanted to enjoy extra bites. No. Instead, I was focused on the fact that tomorrow I’d need to be perfect. 

Tomorrow would be the day. The day I’d follow that diet flawlessly. And then in a week, a few weeks, when I lost some weight, I could finally start taking better care of myself. I could show my face at the gym. I could finally appreciate my body. I could feel better about myself." - http://blogs.psychcentral.com/weightless/2014/09/the-opportunity-in-every-moment/

shame.

bulimia is filled with shame. 

be kind to yourself,
xoxo
... here are some websites that are helpful:

http://sheenasplace.org/

http://susanschulherr.com/index.php

http://www.fatnutritionist.com/

http://sheenasplace.org/category/blog/

http://makepeacewithfood2day.blogspot.ca/

http://eatingdisordersblogs.com/

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/eating_disorder_treatment.htm

http://www.nedic.ca/

http://www.bulimia.com/topics/support-groups/

http://www.bellwood.ca/eating-disorders/

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/weightless/

https://www.facebook.com/sheenasplacetoronto


http://www.bulimia.com/

bulimia.supportgroups.com/



http://www.b-eat.co.uk/get-help/about-eating-disorders/overcoming-bulimia-online/