Saturday morning

It's early Saturday morning and I'm sitting in Starbucks with my love, waiting for the mechanic to put on snow tires. I couldn't sleep last night. Probably worrying about the process of putting on snow tires,  dumb I know. I can't help my worries. I worry about everything. Even on this mild Saturday morning with the snow melting. 

Saturdays used to be my favourite day of the week when I was a kid. I would wake up early and watch tv. That show where they dumped green goop on peoples heads. Anyway. My mom would call me for ballet class and we would head out along the danforth.  I loved ballet class. Even though I was a terrible dancer. My mom never let me forget that I wasn't very good. But I danced with all my heart, which made up for my lack of grace and beauty. 

After ballet we would go to a greasy spoon and order vanilla cokes and vanilla danish. My mom would order fries with gravy which I thought was disgusting but I've since grown to love. 

As I grew older and my inability to dance resulted in no more ballet lessons, Saturday morning became grocery shopping day.  I would go with my mom early in the morning to loblaws. After shopping we would either go to the zellers restaurant or to mcdonalds. We would share a meal. And at zellers we would have to hide behind a post so no one saw us, my mom is a bit of a snob ... Ok, not just a bit of a snob. After our brunch we would go to the library where I would sneakily borrow slightly veiled lesbian themed books. 

I loved those Saturday mornings. These days I sleep through them. But not today. 

Today I am enjoying the early morning as I write at Starbucks sipping an earl grey tea. 

I should mention that despite my lack of coordination and grace, after I left ballet I took jazz and tap and musical theatre dance classes until I was 19. I loved the feeling of moving my body, even knowing that I had no talent. I loved to dance. 

I still love to watch dance. My best friend Gigi was a dancer, a good one. A beautiful dancer. I just lack the talent in that area.  

I'm sure you are thinking that I am being hard on myself. But I assure you I am not. Have you ever seen the Alistor sims version of a Christmas carol? Well at the end he dances the polka. Badly. My mom once told me I polka like him with my legs flailing around. And one year my ballet teacher held me back and I had to dance a second year with the level fours while all my friends moved on to level five. And she held me back from doing the exams. That was embarrassing. I think that was my last year of ballet.  At least dancing it, not watching it. 

But back to Saturdays ... 

... It's nice to be up and about instead of lying in bed pretending to be asleep. Or trying to sleep. Or drifting in an out of sleep. 

After I gave up ballet, I started taking piano lessons on Saturdays after errands. That was yet another endeavour that I didn't fully commit to. I rarely practiced and when I did I wasn't focused. So I never got to be any good. My life is full of half-assed attempts. Flute, violin, drums, piano. I gave up on all of them. 

Recently, on a Saturday, I had coffee with my piano teacher, whom I hadn't seen in twenty-three years. It was actually really nice to get to know her as a person instead of as my crazy piano teacher. 

I first saw the ballet when I was three. It was the nutcracker. And I fell in love with dance and with the story and with the character Clara, I wanted to be Clara and I wanted to be a dancer. That Christmas all I wanted was to be able to dance around the tree like Clara did in the ballet. 

My dad is many things.  He and I don't get along. He pushes my buttons and drives me absolutely insane. He is stingy and grumpy and full of advice. But he also is very proud of me and when I was growing up he would do anything for me. Now it's a chore if I ask for help. But that Christmas he wanted to make my dream come true ... So ... He nailed nails in the walls and the floor and used fishing line to tie the tree in place so that I could dance around it like Clara. I don't remember dancing, but I remember the tree. And I remember the trouble he went to in order to make that happen for me. 

I want to be that for my children. I want to do all that I can to make their dreams come true. Even if that means putting holes in the floor just so that they can dance around the tree. 

I saw the nutcracker a few years ago and they have changed it up. Modernized it. And there was no dancing around the tree. I was very disappointed. 

... Funny ... It's Saturday morning and my mom is texting me from her errands asking me if I need anything. I guess some things change and some things stay the same. 

I hope you have (or had) a glorious Saturday morning. 

Be kind to yourself, 

Xoxo

...

hoping for karen

“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” 
― Alexander Pope

when i was two years old, my mom took me to see the nutcracker. karen kain was dancing the role of clara and i fell in love with ballet, with karen kain, and with the nutcracker. 

that chrismas my dad rigged up the tree by tying it with fishing line to nails he put in the walls and the floor. all so that i could dance around the tree like clara. 

when i was 3, i started ballet lessons. and i stayed in dance class until i was 19. at 5, i started to get books about karen kain, who much to my pleasure, used to sneak out of dance school for donuts and pastries. 

my mom took me to the ballet to see karen kain 3 more times and every time .... all three times!! ... the understudy danced. no karen for me. 

i find that happens to me a lot. i go into something hoping for the best and end up disappointed. so how do we deal with disappointment? how do we pick ourselves up and keep going when your third trip in a row to the ballet has an understudy dancing?

1. share your feelings. there's nothing wrong with venting about your disappointment. it's better than keeping it bottled up.

2. ask yourself how serious your disappointment is. is not seeing karen kain dance as serious as losing a job? 

3. think about all the things that you are thankful for. the reality is that your list of gratefulness will likely be longer than your current disappointment. 

4. take some time to let yourself feel disappointed. it's ok. it's a feeling and it will pass (says nosy nora). but at some point it's good to start thinking positively. you can't stay disappointed forever. 

5. Practice acceptance and we may suffer less as it is happening and notice the good things in life more. Disappointment is a part of life, but all parts of life can help us grow. We can be present and aware even in the midst of negative emotions and therefore life more fully.  http://tinybuddha.com/blog/4-steps-to-deal-with-disappointment/

i'm not saying it's easy. i'm still hoping for karen. i have high hopes for good things to come. you have nothing if you don't have hope. 

hope. hope is the antidote for disappointment.  wikipedia defines hope as:

Hope is an optimistic attitude of mind based on an expectation of positive outcomes related to events and circumstances in one's life or the world at large. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hope


here is a guide to having hope if you are feeling hopeless ... http://www.wikihow.com/Have-Hope

hope. disappointment. it's okay to feel both of those feelings and everything in between. but it's important not to dwell on the disappointed side of the spectrum. 

You've gotta have hope
Mustn't sit around and mope
Nothin's half as bad as it may appear
Wait'll next year and mope - EDDIE FISHER      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mkz-YSRAYdA

be kind to yourself, 
xoxo

...