we have sung this song for years, between rehearsals and performances, and practicing it in my car for the last five years, i must have sung this song more than a hundred times ... but for some reason today it moved me ... for the first time ... it isn't even a song that i like that much!!!
"Every life has a plan
Though sometimes the map is out of our hands"
- Dawn Langstroth
i have been trying to focus on letting go of the control i think i have over what goes on around me. i can't control the people around me, the choices they make, the weather, the events in my life, the cycles that my body goes through. i only have control over the way i react and respond to what goes on. i am not a religious person. i don't believe that there is a higher being paying enough attention to each of us that that higher being helps people win american idol - if a higher being helps people win american idol but allows other people to rape, murder, torture, abuse .... well then i don't want to participate in worshiping that higher being .... but i digress. my point is, that i am not a religious person, but i am spiritual. the universe is full of energy and we don't control what goes on around us (no matter how hard we try! how hard i try!!!) i need to let go of these crazy attempts to control what cannot be controlled and release my fears of following a path that is not in my hands ...
"Every day is a step
Though we may not know the reason just yet" - Dawn Langstroth
i am constantly reading and researching and trying new things and trying to make things happen that i really have no control over. there are people who have come into my life to teach me things, and although some of these things have been difficult, or even painful, there are reasons i needed to learn these lessons. there is growth that comes from pain, and from heartache, and from loss.
"When your faith fails
When your dreams sleep
Learn to let go, and just let it be"
- Dawn Langstroth
I don't think that letting go over the idea that i can control the uncontrollable is giving up. over the last few months, or the last year really, i have felt like giving up on my dreams. i have felt like my dreams will never come to be. but it's time to live my words and truly stop trying to change the things that are inevitable and unchangeable. that is really easy to write. it is not as easy to live.
"Let there be love
Let there be light
Let there be hope in the dark of the night
For every heart that's lying in wait
Let there be love
Let there be love"
- Dawn Langstroth
There is a heart out there waiting to be in our family. where that heart is, no one knows. but the heart is waiting, whether or not it is already beating. and i am giving up on the notion that i have any control over this process, no matter how many books i read, or how many needles are poked in my feet and fingers, and how many cups of tree branch tea i drink, or what music i listen to while i sleep, or what mantra i say to myself, or how many drugs i take .... i am open to whatever will come to be, in whatever form it may take.
"You are strong
You are brave
Though I couldn't even count all the way"
- Dawn Lanstroth
people keep telling me how strong i am. how brave i am. how hard i work. what a difference i make in so many people's lives. and i don't see any of that. i see the tired, scared, girl with the bully in her head who tells me how lazy, and stupid i am. i could so so much better at so many things. i could put so much more effort into so many things. i am not strong. or brave. but i am trying to hear these words and i am trying to believe them ... i am trying .... it will take time ....
"There's a time to be still
Let the river carry you where it will
When your faith fails
When your dreams sleep
Learn to let go
Just let it be"
- Dawn Langstroth
this is my "time to be still." this is my time to take really good care of myself, not so that i can be a baby making machine, or so that i can fit into a stupid white shirt that i hate with a passion that i only wear twice a year, and not so that i can fit into my favourite pants .... this is my time to take really good care of myself so that i can feel good, and have more energy, and be happy, and healthy, and not feel sluggish and feel like sleeping all the time. on thursday after work, i plan to go and join the local gym. i felt really good about myself when i worked out at 6am before going to school everyday. i felt good about myself, but i also felt good. i had energy to face the day. i am letting go of the notion that i will ever be a certain size or look a certain way, and i am going to go to the gym and refuse to let them weigh and measure me monthly. i am letting go of my need to indulge in foods because i feel like i need them. i know how i need to eat to feel good. i know how i need to eat to make my body function properly.
"It's a long, hard road to travel
Yes, I know what it's like when you lose your way
When the best laid plans unravel
That's when you've got to believe"
- Dawn Langstroth
this has been a long road, and i'm nowhere near my destination. this isn't where we wanted to be in 2012. this isn't where we saw ourselves. but this is where we are. and i most certainly lost sight of the destination. i had lost sight not so much of where we were going .... it's more like i had a map that i was reading upside down, which i actually do quite often with real maps! i was heading in a direction that had nothing do with our destination. i was off on my own path and needed some redirection.
and so i am trying to believe.
i am trying to believe that when i take care of myself, the universe will take care of me.
i am trying to believe that the hard lessons i have learned this year have served a purpose and have made me a better person.
i am trying to believe that when i let go, i will continue to grow, and to change, and to be the person that i have always wanted to be.
....
Anne Murray - Let There Be Love [Dawn Langstroth]
www.youtube.com/watch?v=UcjEG1skuzQ
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