music

“Without music, life would be a mistake.” 
― Friedrich Nietzsche

i think music is innate in all of us. we are born with a natural rhythm. think about babies moving to the music. think about that video of that baby bopping along to beyonce ...  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kU9MuM4lP18&feature=kp
we are born to move to the rhythm of the earth, the sky, and our hearts. 

“One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.” 
― Bob Marley

music was always complicated for me. i loved music from the time i was born. but at school, i always felt discouraged from singing and making music. i felt like the other kids were given opportunities and that i was left on the sidelines. so i made it my mission to immerse myself in music. between the ages of 6 and 14, i learned:

• piano
• violin
• guitar
• drums
• recorder
• and even the glockenspiel 

all as a way to find my voice. to find a way to speak that which had no words. 

“Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent” 
― Victor Hugo

it wasn't until grade 8 that i discovered i could sing. i had always been discouraged from singing. my aunt once told me, "CP is talented, but you, you just have an average voice, anyone can sing." so i hid in the background. 

then i had a teacher, one i wish i could track down in the world and thank for saving my life. for changing my life. for believing in me. and she encouraged me to sing. she made the music teacher give me a solo in the concert. and she helped me audition for an arts school. 

“If I were not a physicist, I would probably be a musician. I often think in music. I live my daydreams in music. I see my life in terms of music.” 
― Albert Einstein

music became my refuge. that same teacher helped me get my first guitar when i was 13. and i played that old nylon-stringed guitar every day for my entire teen-aged years. my guitar became an extension of mySelf. 

“Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness.” 
― Maya Angelou

i love the way the curves of the guitar fit on my thigh and cradles my breast. i love the smell of the wood, the feel of the nylon strings as i strum, the echo of the notes in the body of the guitar. 

“Where words leave off, music begins.” 
― Heinrich Heine

there are things that words can't express and that is where music takes over. there is nothing like singing in harmony in a group of people; letting the notes ring. 

“Ah, music," he said, wiping his eyes. "A magic beyond all we do here!” 
― J.K. Rowling

music is magical. 

if you don't play or sing, you can listen. with earphones. (my new favourite song is by Hedley and it is called "Headphones" ... have a listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcKCOS6bhN4 ) let yourself be immersed in the sound of the music. sing along. loudly. dance in your kitchen when no one is watching. feel the rhythm. 

“Music . . . can name the unnameable and communicate the unknowable.” 
― Leonard Bernstein

be kind to yourself, and let yourself feel the music,

xoxo

...

hiking

things that went through my mind on my 2 hour hike today ...

what a beautiful day

look, a purple butterfly

my feet hurt

this hill is steep

like, really steep

look, a porcupine

i wonder if porcupines can cuddle with each other?

i like to cuddle. what would life be like without cuddles? i think it would suck. cuddles are an important part of my every day. i wish i were cuddling now, instead of waking uphill. 

my feet hurt. 

if i had no feet, i couldn't walk. if i couldn't walk, i couldn't do this hike. if i couldn't do this hike i would be relaxing on the couch ... but i have feet and they hurt.

oh look, another purple butterfly! they are pretty. i love butterflies. mosquitoes are like butterflies, but they bite and make you itchy. so they aren't really like butterflies at all. but they are all insects. but we only like pretty insects. it's kind of like how pretty people get their way more. 

my feet hurt. and my legs hurt too. this hill is so steep. and it's so hot. i'm so sweaty. wait, what? i have to cross the creek by balancing on that thin log? are you kidding me? now i have wet feet that hurt. and muddy too. and there are more mosquitoes. 

i'm never going to make it. i'm too tired, and too big, and too out of shape, and too fat, and too ... oh, look, flat ground! i can do this. this is easy. it's a beautiful day. more butterflies. the mosquitoes are finally gone. i love hiking. let's do it again tomorrow. 


be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

dis-em-bodied

disembodied. 

dis em body

dis them body

dis my body

this body is not me. this body is not my body. i don't recognize this body that i am in. mounds of flesh that aren't mine. layers of protection from the outside world. protection that got too thick. protection that got carried away. 

this body is not my body. 

this body is not me.

i talk to this body,

beg it to change. beg it to cooperate. beg it to be different. 

i hide this body. i hide it under layers of clothing. baggy tops that hide my flesh. sweaters when it's hot, hiding this body that is not mine. this body that is not me. 

i hate this body that i carry around. it's an imposition. i am an impostor, walking around in a body that is not mine. 

i am thoughts and feelings and energy and words. i am writing and reading and guitar playing and piano notes and songs. i am teaching and learning. i am talking. i am thinking. i am not this body. this body is not me. this body is not mine. 

people see this body. this body is presented as me. i am read as this body. this body that is not me. this body that is not mine. these mounds of flesh that hide who i am. 

when a stranger on the street calls me fat, i can't say, "oh yeah, well DP says i'm beautiful." or "oh yeah, well nosy nora says i have an energy about me and you're stupid that you can't see it." all i can do is take in the abuse. and then abuse myself. call myself names. call myself fat, and ugly, and lazy, and stupid, and useless, and worthless, and undeserving. 

all because of this extra weight that is carried on this body that is not me, this body that is not mine. 

this body doesn't move how i tell it to. the body in my mind can dance and walk for hours. the body in mind can do yoga like i used to. the body in my mind can do all sorts of things that this body can't do. this body gets tired. this body gets sore. this body doesn't have the flexibility. this body refuses to cooperate. 

i HATE this body. i HATE being stuck in a body that isn't mine, that isn't me. i HATE this body and i want it to go away. i want to peel off the layers. until i find myself. until i find the body underneath that is me. the body that is mine. 

i feel trapped inside a body that isn't me.

disconnected. disembodied. 

this is my body. but it is not my body. my body is not me. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.” ― Dr. Seuss

“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.” 
― Dr. Seuss

i have been worried about writing an update on my state of mind. worried that i would jinx it. worried that i would be speaking too soon and everything would come crashing down around me if i dared to write about how i am doing these days. 

the truth is ... i feel ... happy. 

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” 
― Mahatma Gandhi

i have worked hard to work through issues, to face my darkness, to be vulnerable, and to come out of my cocoon into happiness. 

maybe it's the sunshine. or the love and support i am receiving. maybe it's the warm weather or the long walks. maybe it's the changes i am making in my life and in my mind; in the way that i think. whatever it is, i feel true happiness for the first time in a long time. 

“There's nothing like deep breaths after laughing that hard. Nothing in the world like a sore stomach for the right reasons.” 
― Stephen Chbosky

do you ever laugh so hard that it hurts? do you ever get the giggles and laugh until you cry? laughing with friends is better than any medicine. when i was a kid, i would get the giggles and couldn't stop laughing. i had to leave class on several occasions because i just couldn't get myself together to stop laughing. those are the best kind of laughs. 

“You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.” 
― Jonathan Safran Foer

i think that allowing myself to feel the sadness. to feel my grief, and my hurt, and my pain. to feel the dark emotions that i avoided for so long. i think that feeling those emotions - letting them in - has allowed me to let in the good feelings. and these good feelings are filling me up with happiness. don't misunderstand, i still feel the bad feelings. i still have stress and anxiety and worries and fears and grief and sadness and all the pain of the world. but those feelings don't weigh me down. i feel uplifted. i feel like i can fly. 

“The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.” 
― Chuck Palahniuk,

i allowed myself to look inside. to face my own darkness. to be vulnerable. to put myself out there. i allowed myself to share my stories. and this has left me feeling happiness. 

“Learn to value yourself, which means: fight for your happiness.” 
― Ayn Rand

i am learning that i am worth something. i am worthy, and deserving. these are new words for me. and these are words that scare me. but also make me feel happy. 

“All happiness depends on courage and work.” 
― Honoré de Balzac

it has taken a great deal of work to get to this place. i have had to be brave and face my darkness and face my fears. i have had to take risks. and all of this has brought me happiness. 


so there it is, readers, i feel happy. something i never thought would happen. when you are numb to the bad feelings of the world, you are numb to the good feelings too. 

be kind to yourself, 
xoxo

“When the first baby laughed for the first time, its laugh broke into a thousand pieces, and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies.” 
― J.M. Barrie

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6Sxv-sUYtM&feature=kp

...

The little dogs laughed

The little dogs laughed

when i woke up and realized i was happy about

Nothing

when i looked in the mirror and smiled at an image

i did not recognize

when i gazed out my window and saw only

sorrow and pain

and greed

when i got up the courage to say “i'm angry”

when i began to accept what i had known for years

when i understood

what they had been trying to tell me

when i learned where their anger

came from

when i woke up

was when the cow

reached

the other side

of the

moon

****************************

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

butterflies, moths, and skippers.

today i read, "growth is painful. change is painful. but nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don't belong."

i don't feel stuck these days. i feel like i am learning to fly. 

as i am learning to fly, i wanted to go back to my butterfly metaphor ... but then i decided that i wanted to write about moths. i think they get a bad rap. 

what's the difference between a moth and a butterfly anyway? they are of the same species, they both go through complete metamorphosis, the are both winged creatures. but for some reason, butterflies are beautiful and moths are pests. 

there are differences between them, and for each difference there is often an exception. 

basic differences:

• moths are nocturnal, butterflies are not (except for the moths that are not)
• moths tend to rest with their wings open and butterflies rest with their wings up (unless they are sunning)
• butterfly antennae are wider at the tips and moth's are feathery. 
• butterflies have more colourful wings ... usually

and if that wasn't complicated enough, there is another category of butterfly moths called skippers. skippers have the traits of both. they fly during the day, have antenna like a butterfly, have the colouring and fuzzy body of a moth, but hold their wings differently than both; they hold their forewings separately from their hindwings. 

i have decided that i am a skipper - neither moth nor butterfly, spreading my wings at my own angle, not fitting neatly into one category or the other.

i am a skipper, learning to fly, practicing holding my wings. 

“Be different so that people can see you clearly amongst the crowds.” 
― Mehmet Murat ildan

i am different. i am different in that i am unique. and i am unique in that i am the same as everyone else. i think i stopped making sense there ... we are all human. we all have the same emotions. the same instincts. the same drives. i fit neatly into many a textbook description. but my sameness makes me who i am, and who i am is me. and there is only one of me. 

are you a butterfly, a moth, or a skipper? 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

i am ...

"Remind yourself of all the things you are besides your body. Make a list. Begin it with "I am..." and don't allow any negative judgments about your body to creep in. In case you forget, you are worthwhile, you are caring, you are growing--to name just a few attributes." - Geneen Roth

i have written some difficult posts. posts about addiction, about eating disorders, about death and loss ... but this post, THIS post, is proving to be much more challenging. writing about what i am without allowing any negative judgments is incredibly hard. 

i am ...

i am worthwhile, caring, growing. 

i am a daughter, a partner, a spouse, a sister, a cousin, an aunt, a niece. 

i am a teacher, a student, a learner, a singer, a guitar player, a piano note plunker. 

i am strong, wise, intelligent. 

i am a question asker, a seeker of knowledge, a pursuer of truth. 

i am loyal, kind, caring, helpful, honest, truthful, thoughtful, pensive. 

i am a woman, a lesbian, a dyke, a queer, a feminist, an activist, a writer, a reader, a blogger, a pacifist.

i am drinker of iced tea and hot tea, an eater of apples. 

i am hard and shiny, soft and sparkling, blurred and crisp. i am incongruous, dichotomous, and most importantly, i am here. 

now it's your turn. who are you? what are you? you are ...

be kind to yourself, to all of you,

xoxo

...

Stress

“I was a little excited but mostly blorft. "Blorft" is an adjective I just made up that means 'Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.' I have been blorft every day for the past seven years.” 
― Tina Fey

stress. 

we all have it. and some stress can be healthy. stress can be motivating. 

but some stress can be overwhelming and crushing. 

“You must learn to let go. Release the stress. You were never in control anyway.” 
― Steve Maraboli

often the things that stress me out are things that i have no control over - like other people's reactions to things. but then there are other things like being disorganized and not paying my bills on time. i control that aspect of my life and when it gets out of control, i need to take responsibility for it. but that doesn't make it any less stressful. 

the stress response is your body's way of protecting you - of telling you that there is something wrong. 

our responses to stress (fight, flight, or freeze) occur when we are overwhelmed. the problem is that the body doesn't distinguish between physical and psychological threats, so we react the same way. and the longer we are under the stress response the more ... well, stress it puts on our bodies. 

“In times of stress, the best thing we can do for each other is to listen with our ears and our hearts and to be assured that our questions are just as important as our answers.” 
― Fred Rogers

listening to ourselves is just as important as listening to each other. we know when we have had too much or are doing too much. but we often feel guilty pulling back on our commitments despite our stress level. asking ourselves the right questions about our ability to continue, about our health, is as important as making the decision to stop and take time for ourselves. without those questions, we can get swallowed up in our stress. 

“Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.” 
― Jane Wagner

some stress is unavoidable. it just is. life in this western society is go go go fast fast fast produce produce produce. and a person who stops to smell the roses is self-indulgent and selfish. which is totally untrue, by the way ... i know because i stepped out of my life for a few months and let myself practice self-care and the world didn't end. the world kept turning, in fact. and nothing fell apart just because i took time for myself. 

“Stress is the trash of modern life-we all generate it but if you don't dispose of it properly, it will pile up and overtake your life.” 
― Danzae Pace

so what? 

what do we do to deal with stress? well, quite frankly i am NOT an expert on dealing with stress. i'm the opposite of an expert. geez, one of my closest friends is nicknamed captain stressy pants, so between myself and my friends i know a LOT about what causes stress what affects it has on your body and on your health ... but when it comes to self-care, i am leaving it up to the Canadian Mental Health Association http://www.cmha.ca/mental_health/stress/#.U4-p0_ldUuc to give you advice:

Identify the problem. Is your job, school, a relationship with someone, or worries about money causing stress? Are unimportant, surface problems hiding deeper problems? Once you know what the real problem is, you can do something about it.

Solve problems as they come up. What can you do, and what are the possible outcomes? Would that be better or worse than doing nothing? Remember, sometimes solving a problem means doing the best you can—even if it isn’t perfect—or asking for help. Once you’ve decided on a solution, divide the steps into manageable pieces and work on one piece at a time. Improving your problem-solving skills is a long-term strategy that can help you feel like you’re in control again.

Talk about your problems. You may find it helpful to talk about your stress. Loved ones may not realize that you’re having a hard time. Once they understand, they may be able to help in two different ways. First, they can just listen—simply expressing your feelings can help a lot. Second, they may have ideas to help you solve or deal with your problems. If you need to talk with someone outside your own circle of loved ones, your family doctor may be able to refer you to a counsellor, or you may have access to one through your school, workplace, or faith community.

Simplify your life. Stress can come up when there are too many things going on. Learning to say no is a real skill that takes practice. Try to look for ways to make your to-do list more manageable.

Learn helpful thinking strategies. The way you think about situations affects the way you respond to them. Unhelpful thoughts, such as believing that everything must be perfect or expecting the worst possible outcome, can make problems seem bigger than they really are.

Learn about stress management. There are many useful books, websites, and courses to help you cope with stress. There are also counsellors who specialize in stress. There may be stress management courses and workshops available through your community centre, workplace, or school.

Start on the inside. Practices like yoga, meditation, mindfulness, prayer, or breathing exercises can help you quiet your mind and look at problems from a calmer, more balanced point of view. With time, these practices can help you manage your response to stressful situations as they come up.

Get active. Physical activity can be a great way to reduce stress and improve your mood. Activity could be anything from taking up a new sport to walking. The most important part is that it gets you moving and you enjoy it—it shouldn’t feel like a chore. If you experience barriers to physical activity, try talking to your doctor or care team for ideas.

Do something you enjoy. Making time for hobbies, sports, or activities that you find fun or make you laugh can temporarily give you a break from problems. Listen to music, read, go for a walk, see a friend, watch your favourite movie, or do whatever makes you feel good. This can give you a little mental distance from problems when you can’t deal with them right away.

so ... now i need to practice those strategies myself! i hope you can take something from this post. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

layers

i love nail polish. i have a whole bag of it. my aunt C taught me how to put on nail polish. she would paint my nails, put on music, and then we would dance around the living room shaking our hands to help the polish dry. for years, i had no idea that it would just dry on its own. i thought you had to do the nail polish dance, or at least shake your hands around and blow on your nails. 

i have a problem with nail polish though ... i can't seem to keep it on. i do my nails and within a few hours they are chipped ... within a day they are chipped badly and i have to take the polish off, or touch up the corners and tips of my nails. 

my toes, on the other hand ... well they get chipped or the polish rubs off, but i am too lazy to get out the nail polish remover and scrub my toe nails clean. so i paint another layer on top. and when that one starts to peel off, i paint another layer on top of that. 

layers. 

i think we paint layers on ourselves when we start to peel or chip. when we start to show our true selves, we panic and cover it up. just like when my nails start to show through the shiny enamel colour, i repaint to hide my nail. in the same way, we hide our true selves for fear of being vulnerable. 

“If we’re wrapping ourselves up to conceal any vulnerability, whatever happens to us has to go through all those extra layers. Sometimes love doesn’t even reach where we truly live.” ― Alexandra Katehakis

being known, truly known, is the scariest most beautiful feeling in the world. peeling back layers of colour, layers of protection, layers of identities, to reveal the truth underneath ... letting yourself be seen for who you truly are with all your "perfect imperfections" ... this is what it means to be vulnerable. this is what it means to be authentic. this is what it means to be loved. 

not all layers are there for protection from the outside world. some of our layers are simply experiences that make us who we are. each experience adds another layer to our life story. 

A grownup is a child with layers on.

Woody Harrelson

growing up is like learning that you don't need to do the nail polish dance to dry the colourful polish. each experience adds a layer of truth to ourselves. each event adds a layer to our life. 

will you peel your layers? remove them? paint over them? how will you expose yourself past your layers to let the world in and to let yourSELF out?

be kind to yourself, 

It's our challenges and obstacles that give us layers of depth and make us interesting. Are they fun when they happen? No. But they are what make us unique. And that's what I know for sure... I think.Ellen DeGeneres

xoxo

...

stillness

"Peace and contentment are feelings that take practice to achieve. They are not a consequence of being successful or being in love or being thin. They are, among other things, a consequence of stopping in the present moment and looking around." - Geneen Roth

i have been thinking about stillness. radical t sometimes asks me if i have tried being still. being still and listening. 

listening not to the sounds of the loud neighbours bbq, or the dog barking, or the tv blaring, or the ticking of the clock ... but listen to the voice inside of you. 

“Everything takes time. Bees have to move very fast to stay still.” ― David Foster Wallace

change within yourself isn't fast (unfortunately). it takes time. my friend D describes it like a swan ... on the surface there is calm and beauty, but under the surface the swan's feet are paddling like crazy just to stay afloat. 

taking the time for myself this year was the hardest and best thing i have ever done. putting oneself first isn't something that people are taught to do - especially women. so taking time off work and doing self-reflection and self-care was scary, difficult, and wonderful. 

“Being still does not mean don't move. It means move in peace.” ― E'yen A. Gardner

being still doesn't mean sitting cross-legged on the floor and meditating. being still means taking the time to listen to the voice inside of you; listen to what it has to say about your life, about what you are doing, about what you are thinking. being still means trusting yourself to tell yourself what you need - and what you need to know. 

“Sometimes you need to sit lonely on the floor in a quiet room in order to hear your own voice and not let it drown in the noise of others.” ― Charlotte Eriksson

there are times, however, when sitting cross-legged on the floor can be a good thing. meditation is a great way to be still. and yet, you can be still and listen inside without having to meditate. 

“Be the silent watcher of your thoughts and behavior. You are beneath the thinker. You are the stillness beneath the mental noise. You are the love and joy beneath the pain.” ― Eckhart Tolle

trust that you know yourself better than anyone else does. trust that you know both your mind and your body. trust that you are the expert on yourself and your life. and trust that, as nosy nora likes to tell me, you are the boss. you are the boss of yourself, of your life, and of your choices. 

“In the stillness the voice inside is louder, much louder, and cannot be ignored.” ― Diane Brown

taking the time to listen to yourself takes practice. and with practice comes the ability to hear yourself. that inner voice that is screaming to be heard becomes soft and calm and tells you what you are waiting to hear. for years, my inner voice screamed at me wanting so badly to be heard. the more is screamed, the louder it got, the harder it was for me to hear. inside was all noise and scrambled sounds. 

taking the time this year to be still has given me the ability to hear myself for the first time. and boy do i ever have a lot to say ...

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...