friendship and support

i was never the kind of person who reached out for support. i was the kind of person who tucked away my troubles and pretended to the world that everything was fine. 

i was too busy taking care of everyone else and didn't have the time or energy to take care of myself. so i let my health go. i let my body go. i pushed all my emotions down inside of me and buried them tightly in the bottom of my heart, so that my heart became filled with hairline fractures. which are harder to mend than a deep single crack. 

but over the past few years i have been seeking support and finding true friendships. and discovered that, as nosy nora says, we all need each other. 

“A fine glass vase goes from treasure to trash, the moment it is broken. Fortunately, something else happens to you and me. Pick up your pieces. Then, help me gather mine.” 
― Vera Nazarian

being able to reach out for support hasn't been easy for me. it made (makes) me feel weak, and needy, and clingy. it makes me feel like i am not strong enough to face up to the world. but i am discovering that people are there to pick up your pieces and help put you back together. no one is humpty dumpty. it doesn't take all the king's horses or all the king's men to mend a broken heart, or to support a friend. (on a side note, do you realize that there is nothing in the humpty dumpty poem that says he is an egg? where did that image come from? i looked it up and wikipedia has several theories but nothing proven. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Humpty_Dumpty) picking up the pieces isn't something that you need to do on your own. the world is full of supportive people who are there to help with the shards of your life. 

“Support and encouragement are found in the most unlikely places.” 
― Raquel Cepeda

what i have discovered through this process is that support can come from places you never expected. an online support group, for example, has been a place for me to share my stories with people who understand. and these strangers offer me strength and guidance in ways i never thought possible. 

my emotional growth through this experience of writing a blog has been tantamount to a miracle. in a million years i never would have thought that his little blog would reach 25,000 page views. that strangers would email me to thank me for my writing. that friends would read my posts and tell me that they connect to my stories. being able to write about my life, my struggles, my heart ache, my successes, my happiness, my sadness, my weaknesses and my strengths ... being able to write about my life gives me strength. it makes me stronger to know that i am putting myself out there. even if it is anonymously published for my own protection - i'm not impervious to pain or embarrassment you know. 

“Friendship is born at that moment when one man says to another: "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . ."” 
― C.S. Lewis

i have also discovered that people have way more in common with each other than we first believe. we live with such shame and secrecy and privacy and the inability to share our stories. and it turns out that there are people in my life who have been on similar paths. and we can connect with each other and support each other in ways that no one else can. 

“You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.” 
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

i learned through this process of wanting to take care of myself, that you have to ask for help. and when you do, you actually get it. 

what what? 

no, really. when you ask someone to help you, they actually do. when you reach out for support you actually get support. ok, not from everyone. some people are selfish assholes and you can't change that. they aren't worth your emotional energy. but most people? most people will give you the support that you need. 

“There are some things you can't share without ending up liking each other, and knocking out a twelve-foot mountain troll is one of them.” 
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone


there are some stories that no one else can understand unless they have lived that truth. and those are the people whose support can surprise you. unless you share your stories, you'll never know that there are people out there who can relate ... who can commiserate ... who truly understand. knocking out a mountain troll doesn't have to be the only way that you make friendships. but sharing your truth is one way to be sure that those friendships are genuine and are built on truth and understanding. 

i am so very lucky to have a fabulous partner who loves me, adores me, and supports me. i am appreciative and grateful for the people in my life who offer me friendship and support.  i am fortunate to have a fantastic therapist with whom i can share my stories and my emotional tornadoes. i would list the people that i have gratitude for ... but i know that i would forget someone. so if you are someone that i have turned to for emotional support, or for a listening ear, or a shoulder to cry on, or advice, or just a helping hand ... i thank you for being there. you know who you are. 

and in closing ...

“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” 
― Linda Grayson

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo
...

infertility

this week was another hard week. one minute i was heartbroken and devastated and the next i was hopeful and looking forward to potential and possibilities. 

this week i did a lot of thinking about infertility. and let me tell you, they weren't happy thoughts ... 

being infertile makes me feel defective. 

broken. 

one thing that sets women apart from men is the ability to bare children. and i can't. 

and i wont. 

“The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?” 

― Laura Bush 

infertility hurts. i ache. there is no cure for my infertility and there is no cure for this pain. there are no words for the absence of a child. if i had a child and lost it, then people would know. people would understand that i am grieving. 

this week a student asked me, "why don't you have any kids? aren't you going to be lonely for the rest of your life?" 

stab.

right in the heart.  

we tried. for 2 1/2 years. we tried hormones and pills and injections and daily blood tests at 7am, and intrusive ultrasounds every second day and hundreds and hundreds of dollars. and each time we would hope. we would dream. we would be sure that this was the time that would work. and it never was. the test would always come back negative. i can't count how many test strips i peed on. 

“I found that each time a test was negative, it stopped the dreaming and hoping for a while. Taking the test was a way of puncturing the balloons of hope, because if I didn't, they would lift and lift without any evidence, and their falling back down every month was too painful. Essentially, I took all these tests to keep myself from hoping, because the hoping was breaking my heart.” 
― Shauna Niequist

infertility makes me feel like i wasn't supposed to be born a woman. like everything about me is all wrong. like i am broken inside. the cause of my infertility is too many androgens - too many male hormones. and i have male pattern baldness. what the fuck? how is that fair? i am a woman. i am supposed to have female hormones. i am supposed to have hair on the top of my head. i am supposed to ovulate. i am supposed to have regular periods. 

i am supposed to be able to make a baby. 

and i can't. 

since the beginning of human history, all over the world, a woman's worth has been defined by her uterus and it's productivity. i am supposed to have the CHOICE of whether or not i want to have a baby. i don't have that choice. 

and it kills me. 

“I remember thinking about how mothers were prepared to run into burning buildings to save their children's lives. I thought I should be able to go through a bit more suffering, a bit more inconvenience to give my children life. It made me feel noble. But now I realize I'm a crazy woman running into a burning house for children who don't exist.” 
― Liane Moriarty

eventually we had to stop. stop the craziness that was our lives. stop the roller coaster. stop the hoping and the dreaming. stop the heart ache that came with every negative test. 

and every negative test came with guilt about my body and it's inability to do such a simple thing as ovulate and fertilize and keep a child. something that billions of women across the world do every year. and i couldn't. 

guilt. 

i am trying to take my health into my own hands. to fight against this disease that i have. to take strides to take care of myself. i am trying. and it is hard. and no matter what i do, i have to live with this. i have to live with too many male hormones. i have to live with too much insulin. i have to live with hair loss. i have to live with weight gain and difficulty losing weight. i have to live with not being able to handle eating sugar. i have to live with being infertile. 

... needless to say, this was an emotional week. and i can't believe i made it to friday. but here i am, alive and full of possibilities. 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

hard week

i haven't blogged in awhile. i just haven't had anything to say. but this has been a hard couple of weeks and i wanted to write about it to help me process what has been going on. 

first of all, DP and i made a fundamental and monumental mistake and we are in the process of trying to fix it which is terrifying and anxiety causing. 

second, the coordinator of my special education program came into my classroom and basically told me that everything that i am doing is wrong. she was kind and gave me some new ideas. but she also put a great deal of pressure on me to improve the levels of my students (which is my job, i understand that) in a short period of time. she made me feel like i am a terrible teacher and that i have no idea what i am doing. she made me feel like shit to be blunt. and i am left feeling weepy and helpless. 

third, i have started a program called pcos diva jumpstart (www.pcosdiva.com) in which i have been instructed to make many changes to my diet and lifestyle. this all or nothing approach, going cold turkey and diving in to a lifestyle change has been really difficult and i feel like a failure. 

the eating part has been fairly easy. it's not the first time i have eaten this way, so i know what foods to eat and what foods to avoid. i had already cut out caffeine, so i am not having withdrawals. 

in terms of my diet, i am not eating:

• wheat
• gluten
• sugar
• caffeine
• dairy
• red meat

i am also taking a number of supplements. easy peasy. 

the challenge for me is the lifestyle change. i am supposed to get up early each morning and do some sort of exercise. i have yet to manage to get out of bed early enough to do anything except make a smoothie. some mornings i have had to drink the smoothie in the car on the way to work. i am not acting at all like a diva and am not taking care of myself. 

i feel like the world is crushing me. like there is a huge weight pushing me down. like i am walking through molasses, unable to lift my feet. 

i have been doing well with my depression. managing it with medication and therapy. the sadness and constant weepiness is back. but i think that i have legitimate things to feel weepy about. it's hard to tell the difference between a bad day and depression sometimes. and it's scary to think that i could go back to that dark place that i was in last year at this time; off work, cocooned on the couch, crying every day, not wanting to be alive. 

i want more than anything to be able to get out of bed in the mornings and practice healthy living. it isn't that i don't have the motivation - i WANT to do it. but something is keeping me in bed. something is keeping me from succeeding. i think it is my fear of failure. if i don't try, then i can't fail. 

so ... this has been a hard couple of weeks. and i feel like next week will be hard too. 

i feel scared, helpless, and stuck. 

i need encouragement. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...