i have been thinking a great deal about embers.
the embers have always been the best part of a campfire. the night is ending, the stars are bright above, the fire is dying out. the coals are hot and just right for toasting marshmallows. i like to watch the embers dance, even more than the actual fire itself.
embers
are hot and glowing.
they emanate heat, despite not being a fire. they can burn
themselves out, or they can rekindle a fire. embers are often used as metaphors
for something that is dying out.
William Manchester wrote: “Abruptly the poker of memory stirs the ashes of recollection and uncovers a forgotten ember, still smoldering down there, still hot, still glowing, still red as red.”
the poker of memory stirs the ashes of recollection. yes.
lately, i have been poking around in my memories, and stirring up feelings. feelings
that have been smoldering inside me for many, many years. feelings that i have
ignored or numbed myself from. feelings that i have shoved away, but that have
made me what i am.
i was taught that i don’t deserve to
be loved or taken care of.
i was taught that i don’t need to stand up for
myself; that i don’t matter.
i learned that it was important to be independent
and self-reliant; that it wasn’t okay to need anyone else; that i needed to be
self sufficient and take care of my needs on my own.
my basic needs were met.
but not my emotional needs.
and as i look back at my life, at the things that i didn’t
get, at the messages that i DID get … the smoldering feelings are burning
inside me. and it is hard to think about anything else.
that’s why i crawl into my cocoon and i
want to stay in here for days at a time. i am scared of this ember and what
a rekindled fire could look like.
and today, i don't have anything inspiring to tell you. i don't have any words of wisdom. all i have is my fear today.
xoxo
...
