Idle No More

as i sat at christmas dinner, and i filled my plate with delicious food, i looked around the table at the laughing, happy, loving, faces and i was filled with gratitude. but not for the the food, or the company, or the love in my family ... i was filled with gratitude for the gift of the land that our homes sit on, for the stores that carry the food we eat, for the land that grows the vegetables that i so carefully and deliciously prepared for us.

and i began to think about hunger.

chief teresa spence is hungry today. not deliciously hungry as i was when i gazed at the turkey, mashed potatoes, yams, stuffing, carrots ..... she is 21 days hungry, with an ache in her belly and her bones. she is seven generations hungry for the rights and dignity and respect her people had taken away from them. she is hungry for the protection of the earth and its resources.

i teach middle school history, and the textbooks still talk about the "discovery" of the new land by the european explorers. there are units about the mutual benefits shared between the aboriginal peoples and the european newcomers. in fact the curriculum states:

"alanyse examples of interaction between First Nations peoples and european explorers to identify and report on the effects of cooperation and the reasons for disagreements between the two groups"

as if the effects of cooperation and disagreements are in the past - as if First Nations peoples are simply historical figures whose customs and beliefs lie in an ancient civilization that no longer exists.

we are not responsible for the choices of our ancestors. we cannot be held responsible for the atrocities that took place generations before we were born. and at the same time, we cannot sit idly by while yet another generation of people suffers, we cannot ignore or deny promises made by our ancestors in the form of treaties. we cannot continue to stand by and watch the attempted assimilation of nations.

Idle No More states:

":Idle No More calls on all people to join in a revolution which honours and fulfils indigenous sovereignty which protects the land and water. Colonization continues through attacks to Indigenous rights and damage to the land and water. We must repair these violations, live the spirit and intent of the treaty relationship, work towards justice in action, and protect mother earth." idlenomore1.blogspot.com

teresa spence is hungry for change. she is hungry for the recognition that this history of "cooperation and disagreements" is an on-going struggle in a land my ancestors savagely conquered, and fought wars with each other over. she is hungry for a resolution to the ongoing destruction of the land and the lessening protection of the water.

and she is hungry. her insides must be aching.

she is willing to die as a martyr, while the nation stands idly by and the prime minister refuses to meet with her.

and so i wonder, on this New Year's Eve ... what will 2013 bring? what changes to our planet, to our nation, to our people? for we are all people.

and what will happen when chief teresa spence dies? for she will die, this is inevitable, she will eventually starve to death while the rest of the country continues on with their New Year's Eve parties, while i clean up all the delicious treats from christmas, while i feel sorry for myself that i can't have chocolate cake.

what is in store for us in 2013?

when a song moves you .........

today as i was singing with my choir, one of the songs really touched me ... i was moved to become very introspective.

we have sung this song for years, between rehearsals and performances, and practicing it in my car for the last five years, i must have sung this song more than a hundred times ... but for some reason today it moved me ... for the first time ... it isn't even a song that i like that much!!!

"Every life has a plan
Though sometimes the map is out of our hands"
- Dawn Langstroth

i have been trying to focus on letting go of the control i think i have over what goes on around me. i can't control the people around me, the choices they make, the weather, the events in my life, the cycles that my body goes through. i only have control over the way i react and respond to what goes on. i am not a religious person. i don't believe that there is a higher being paying enough attention to each of us that that higher being helps people win american idol - if a higher being helps people win american idol but allows other people to rape, murder, torture, abuse .... well then i don't want to participate in worshiping that higher being .... but i digress. my point is, that i am not a religious person, but i am spiritual. the universe is full of energy and we don't control what goes on around us (no matter how hard we try! how hard i try!!!) i need to let go of these crazy attempts to control what cannot be controlled and release my fears of following a path that is not in my hands ...

"Every day is a step
Though we may not know the reason just yet" - Dawn Langstroth

i am constantly reading and researching and trying new things and trying to make things happen that i really have no control over. there are people who have come into my life to teach me things, and although some of these things have been difficult, or even painful, there are reasons i needed to learn these lessons. there is growth that comes from pain, and from heartache, and from loss.

"When your faith fails
When your dreams sleep
Learn to let go, and just let it be"
- Dawn Langstroth

I don't think that letting go over the idea that i can control the uncontrollable is giving up. over the last few months, or the last year really, i have felt like giving up on my dreams. i have felt like my dreams will never come to be. but it's time to live my words and truly stop trying to change the things that are inevitable and unchangeable. that is really easy to write. it is not as easy to live.

"Let there be love
Let there be light
Let there be hope in the dark of the night
For every heart that's lying in wait
Let there be love
Let there be love"
- Dawn Langstroth

There is a heart out there waiting to be in our family. where that heart is, no one knows. but the heart is waiting, whether or not it is already beating. and i am giving up on the notion that i have any control over this process, no matter how many books i read, or how many needles are poked in my feet and fingers, and how many cups of tree branch tea i drink, or what music i listen to while i sleep, or what mantra i say to myself, or how many drugs i take .... i am open to whatever will come to be, in whatever form it may take.

"You are strong
You are brave
Though I couldn't even count all the way"
- Dawn Lanstroth

people keep telling me how strong i am. how brave i am. how hard i work. what a difference i make in so many people's lives. and i don't see any of that. i see the tired, scared, girl with the bully in her head who tells me how lazy, and stupid i am. i could so so much better at so many things. i could put so much more effort into so many things. i am not strong. or brave. but i am trying to hear these words and i am trying to believe them ... i am trying .... it will take time ....

"There's a time to be still
Let the river carry you where it will
When your faith fails
When your dreams sleep
Learn to let go
Just let it be"
- Dawn Langstroth

this is my "time to be still." this is my time to take really good care of myself, not so that i can be a baby making machine, or so that i can fit into a stupid white shirt that i hate with a passion that i only wear twice a year, and not so that i can fit into my favourite pants .... this is my time to take really good care of myself so that i can feel good, and have more energy, and be happy, and healthy, and not feel sluggish and feel like sleeping all the time. on thursday after work, i plan to go and join the local gym. i felt really good about myself when i worked out at 6am before going to school everyday. i felt good about myself, but i also felt good. i had energy to face the day. i am letting go of the notion that i will ever be a certain size or look a certain way, and i am going to go to the gym and refuse to let them weigh and measure me monthly. i am letting go of my need to indulge in foods because i feel like i need them. i know how i need to eat to feel good. i know how i need to eat to make my body function properly.

"It's a long, hard road to travel
Yes, I know what it's like when you lose your way
When the best laid plans unravel
That's when you've got to believe"
- Dawn Langstroth

this has been a long road, and i'm nowhere near my destination. this isn't where we wanted to be in 2012. this isn't where we saw ourselves. but this is where we are. and i most certainly lost sight of the destination. i had lost sight not so much of where we were going .... it's more like i had a map that i was reading upside down, which i actually do quite often with real maps! i was heading in a direction that had nothing do with our destination. i was off on my own path and needed some redirection.

and so i am trying to believe.

i am trying to believe that when i take care of myself, the universe will take care of me.

i am trying to believe that the hard lessons i have learned this year have served a purpose and have made me a better person.

i am trying to believe that when i let go, i will continue to grow, and to change, and to be the person that i have always wanted to be.

....

Anne Murray - Let There Be Love [Dawn Langstroth]
www.youtube.com/watch?v=UcjEG1skuzQ

Reflecting, Renewing, Rejoicing

pausing to notice ...

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” ― Søren Kierkegaard

Reflection

A little reflection will show us that every belief, even the simplest and most fundamental, goes beyond experience when regarded as a guide to our actions.William Kingdon Clifford

this is a month of reflection for me. looking back, not just on the last 2 years of ttc, but also looking back at the last 35 years. listening to the voice in my head. sometimes the voice isn't nice. sometimes she is a bully. a mean girl.

i have been trying to listen to the voice in my head and hear what she is saying; it's hard to listen without believing her. it's hard to hear what she is saying without believing her. she can be really mean. she judges me, and my choices, harshly.

but it's important to listen to her in order to hear what she is saying so that i can figure out why she is saying it. where do my messages come from? where did i learn the things that i have learned?

lessons from the voice in my head:

1. never tell anyone when you are hurt. keep it to yourself. 
2. never ask for help. find a way to manipulate the help that you need without coming right out and saying "i need help"
3. if you eat one piece of chocolate, you have ruined everything, so you might as well eat the whole thing. and have a second because really? you messed up.
4. if someone is mad at you, that means they are leaving you and they never want to be your friend again, so smooth it over as quickly as possible. 

Your problem is you’re too busy holding onto your unworthiness.   – Ram Dass

Renewal

“Every single cell in the human body replaces itself over a period of seven years. That means there's not even the smallest part of you now that was part of you seven years ago.” ― Steven Hall, The Raw Shark Texts

it's a month of renewal. i have filled the fridge with fresh, locally grown, organic fruits and vegetables. i look forward to eating the fresh foods not only because of how good they taste, and how big the taste is, but because i know that it is good for me.

it makes my body feel good. it makes me feel good emotionally because it doesn't mess with my blood sugar or my hormone levels. but it also makes me feel good psychologically to know that i am making good choices.

today i bought a $7 loaf of bread.

Photo from Bunner's Website

that's nuts. or so i thought. but as i sat in the big red chair eating a slab of bread, still warm ... i decided i would have paid $14.

the bread is made from a blend of bean flours, which gives it extra fiber and protein. but it also has no dairy, no eggs, and no wheat. amazing. it tastes like a spongy white bread. (click here see the link under the photos to go to the Bunner's website if you live in toronto and want to visit this fantastic bakery)

on my kitchen counter right now there are two treats: a cinnamon bun and a vanilla cupcake - both of which are also made with no wheat, no eggs, and no dairy. vegan and gluten-free. sweetened with agave. i can't even begin to describe my excitement.

Photo from Bunner's Website

getting excited about food again is a wonderful feeling. knowing that the food tastes good, is good for me, and wont make me feel sick or sad or anxious or moody. it's an incredible feeling.

i took the time today to really experience the time at acupuncture. to feel the points the needles were in. to feel how my muscles feel. to feel the tension in my muscles. to try to relax the muscles - to release the tension. it feels like in that hour, i am renewing my energy for the week.

Rejoice

Be Content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.Lao Tzu

how do you rejoice when there is so much craziness and despair in the world around you? how do you face each day, knowing what is going on in the world? it isn't easy. i am a person who thinks a lot. a person who wonders. a person who ponders what everyone else in the world is doing. i think about my students. i think about my friends. i think about people in other countries. i think about everyone. so how do i take time to rejoice?

i am working on myself. on rejoicing in the small things in life that make me who i am - that make my life what it is.

Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.   – Eleanor Roosevelt

i savour the taste of the fresh, soft, warm bread. i slowly sip my once a day chai latte instead of gulping it down.

i revel in sitting in the livingroom making crochet flowers while BB unravels the wool for me.

i appreciate long car rides with BB, listening to music, looking at the sights around us, appreciating each other's company.

i am rejoicing in the smell of fresh cut grass, the taste of agave in my tea, the sounds of giggling children at the park. i am rejoicing in being with people who make me feel good, who make me feel worthy and valued and like i can be myself. i am rejoicing in seeing old friends, getting a hug, watching friends finish a giant bottle of wine, making plans to do things i wouldn't normally do -  like drive to strafford to see a show, or drive to barrie to see a half-price movie with my best friend, or sit at the coffee shop ACROSS from starbucks (*wink*).

i am rejoicing in thinking about going back to work. meeting my new students. seeing how the returning students have grown. hearing about their summer vacations. getting back into the routines.

i am rejoicing in knowing that soon i will go back to school shopping: the smell and feel of fresh new pencils, pencil crayons, erasers ....

in the midst of chaos, struggle, and major changes, there is good.

If you’re going through hell, keep going.   – Winston Churchill

through reflection, renewal, and rejoicing, the good in the world shines brightly.

my hope for you, whether you are ttc, or starting a new job, or dealing with the health of your family, my hope for you is that you can find the beauty in the day and focus your energy on the positive.

much love,

xoxo


....

Truth and celery juice

Have you ever had celery juice? It's awful. You put an entire bunch of celery in the blender with a bit of water and then pulverize it. Then out stein it about 3 times, although you never really get all the pulp out. And then?

You drink it.

I don't know why it is so gross. I love celery.

There is just something about it ... It makes me gag every time. Even when I plug my nose.

So, of course, I am drinking it twice a day ...

************

Truth.

It's a tricky thing. It's a subjective thing. Truth.

The truth lies somewhere between what you think happened and what actually happened. Your truth is not necessarily my truth.

The powerful thing about truth is that it can both set you free and break a million hearts at the same time.

This last year has been a year of facing many truths. Some good some not so good. But facing truths isn't the same as having truths shoved down your throat when you least expect it.

Today's truth was about food. Who am I hurting? Me. Who am I cheating on? Me. Why? Simple really. I don't think that I am worthy of happiness. I don't think that I deserve to be happy.

So I eat. I eat to fill an emptiness that i feel. I eat to fill the silence. I eat to feel comfort and support. I eat to feel.

And then in the next breath I feel the truth and I eat healthy organic food and I eat nothing with preservatives or added hormones. And I start to feel good. I start to feel lighter in my body with less of the negative side effects I have from my unhealthy eating for the last 35 years ... And then I panic ... And I sabotage ... And then I am miserable.

Pokey sue says that if I stop eating the junk, and focus on the good stuff, then I won't crave the junk ... I don't buy it. I was vegan for years. And caffeine free too. And I craved the good stuff all the time.

I think if we were actively at the clinic right now, it would be easier. I would see a purpose, a cause, a reason. But it all seems so far away. So far removed from where we are right now.

Pokey sue says to focus on the positives. I asked her if there was an acupuncture point for willpower. She said no, she said that willpower comes from hope and that I seem to have lost mine. So she helped me to list the positives:

- my period came within 40 days for the last 2 cycles.
- my periods were heavy, which means that my uterus actually had a lining instead of the usual light periods that indicated no lining and no ovulation
- I know how to eat properly
- the excessive heat signs that I have struggled with for the last few years are gone; no hot flashes, no night sweats, less redness in my face
- I can walk the dog for over an hour without feeling like I am going to die

Pokey sue feels like I have made many positive changes. Now I just have to convince myself.

This week's goal: drink celery juice twice a day. SO NASTY!!!!

Every day, I must wake up and tells myself that I am worthy and deserving and that I am worth it ...

Wish me luck ...


Xoxo

...

there are angels everywhere ... you just have to open your eyes ...

i have posted before about angels who are helping me through this. i have talked at length about gigi and april and how i talk to them and ask them for guidance and for strength.  


and i have posted before about how my most of my angels are here are earth with me:


@ ARD who says funny things about my infertility like "well, they need to fix that." 


@ DV who texts "yay yay yay!" and listens with patience to my detailed descriptions of levels and ultrasounds and my whining and complaining. 


@ HC and GC who send love love love and have been drivers in the most awkward situations imaginable. 


@ AS who gives us love and hugs and comes for tea when she knows we need a distraction. 


@ GT who listens to ALL OF IT and says "no!" at all the right parts and covers for me every time i have an early ultrasound or get caught in traffic after blood work.


 and of course, the most important, 


@ BB, who rubs my belly and talks to my ovaries and lets me cry and tells me it will be okay and reminds me of what this is all for. 


but this week i met a new angel. VS. she was my dance teacher for all 5 years of high school. i went to a show on thursday night and VS was there. we said hello and hugged. and then she said something that i have been replaying over and over in my head. she said:

"i can feel something big is going to happen for you. i can feel it standing right here with you. i want you to open yourself to the universe. be open to creation. focus on being open and then just sit back and watch. don't stress. don't think about it. just watch what you will create." 

drawing borrowed from this website

i have decided that the angels are everywhere: 

@ Bernice who stabs me for blood, but who always makes me laugh and who tells me an abridged version of the clinic gossip (i hope she wins at BINGO soon). 

@ Anna, the nurse, who listens to the doctor and makes faces behind his back when he is babbling about yak urine and yams. 

@ the pharmacist who prepares my prescription each month and makes sure that nothing i am taking will interfere with fertility. 

@ MHD-Z who reads my emails and tells me everything will be alright. who told me to give my body a break and that the 74 day cycle was due to hormonal imbalance from all the drugs in the fall. 

@ CR who asked the most inappropriate questions after only having spoken to her once before, but who made me realize that even though we have been "trying to conceive" for a year and a half, we have actually only had 2 IUIs which in the grand scheme of things is not very long at all. it's about average to take 3-6 tries. 

@ Pokey Sue, who sticks seventy-three needles in me twice a week and balances my chi and got rid of my cysts. 

(april at a picnic at the zoo with a friend's baby. 

she would be made a wonderful mama)

There are angels everywhere. 

you just have to open your eyes. 

xoxo

.......