the number yellow ...

sometimes trying to explain what is happening to me these days is like trying to spell the number yellow. 

there isn't really a why. 

there is a just an is. 

why don't i want to go to work? why don't i want to do anything when i am at work? why don't i enjoy singing anymore? why don't i want to get out from under my blanket cocoon? why don't i want to get off the couch? or leave the house? 

there is no one answer for anything of these things. 

nothing "happened" to set this in motion. nothing changed. 

except me. and my willingness to be vulnerable and to "lean into" the darkness. 

i was reading some poetry that i wrote when i was a teenager. in my memory, it was angst. but reading it now, all i can say is ... HOLY CRAP I WAS SAD !!! i was so, so, so sad. my poems are dark, and lonely, and sad, and longing for something. longing to be heard, to feel loved, to feel understood. 

looking back, i can see that i have suffered from depression my entire life. it just wasn't identified as depression. and i found ways to self-medicate and to repress my feelings, and to stuff them down with food. 

there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and not just because butterflies don't get to choose to morph from their caterpillar state and leave their cocoon ... there is a light at the end of the tunnel because i am not going through this alone. i am getting the help and the support that i need. 

finally. 

i am finally DEALING with the things that i have never dealt with. dealing with the things that i just ignored. 

and it's challenging. 

and i am doing it anyway. 

but it will take patience. from myself and from the people around me. people who have gotten used to me picking up my pieces and just dealing. 

right now, i am still trying to find all my pieces. and some of them are lost. and i will find them. and it is going to take time. 

oh, and one more thing that brings the light ... 

there is a way to spell the number yellow. 

it actually CAN be done. 

the number yellow is actually spelled F-I-V-E. i learned my numbers as colours and still think in colours when i add and subtract. 

i guess that means that even the most complicated situation has an explanation, even if it is tricky to understand. and even if it only makes sense in my own head. 

to me, 

5 + 5 = orange. 

and 

brown - red = 6. 

maybe things aren't nearly as complicated as they first appear. maybe i need to be patient with myself, and listen ...

                                                                  cuisenaire rods link

xoxo

...

Word Vomit

Today is a fresh start with no mistakes in it. (sort of quoting anne shirley, my hero) or as Nosy Nora once said, mis takes ... today is a new day with no mis takes in it. 

today is the first day of waking up and not passing the bookshelf filled with diet and weight loss books on my way to the shower. 

i can't lie ... i slept through my alarm today. i was supposed to go to the gym. i didn't sleep well, which made it difficult to get up. and i woke up with a stabbing pain in my shoulder blade. the pain sucks. the pain is familiar. the pain wont stop. 

i know perfectly well that if i make my way to the bathroom that i can make the pain STOP by making myself throw up. and i also know that i DO NOT want to do that anymore. that is a cycle that i want to break. 

Nosy Nora had suggested that perhaps word vomit is better than actual vomit. so this is my attempt at word vomit. 

word vomit is much more challenging that real vomit. in case you didn't know. 

not dieting is scary. not dieting is unfamiliar territory. not weighing myself and judging myself for every morsel of food that i put into my mouth is ... nerve-wracking because it is so foreign to me. 

i am scared to unleash myself on the world because there isn't enough food in the world to fill the empty sad dark spaces inside of me. and i am worried that if i leave the safety of my couch, i will begin to devour everything that i see. 

i also had to admit something embarrassing to a colleague this morning. math has never been my strong point. mostly because i copied my friend's answers for 3 years and never had to write a test. 

i have been "helping" my colleague's students study for their math test. here i was, being so very helpful and supportive and kind ... and teaching the concept entirely wrong. so this morning i had to tell my colleague that there was a reason why every single answer was wrong. and it wasn't the fault of the kids. although they could have spoken up and told me that my formula was incorrect. but students are taught to trust teachers. 

in any case, i messaged LC today and told her what had happened. it was so shameful. and she was so ridiculously understanding and supportive. the kids get to rewrite the test, using the correct formula. and now i know the formula (thanks KM for clearing that up for me). thank you LC, for being a kind and supportive friend. i value our friendship.

i think that's what this stabbing pain is about. i think it is fear and embarrassment. i have been afraid for a very long time. afraid of getting lost. afraid of the bad guys. afraid of not being good enough. afraid of being judged. afraid of everything ...

only for the first time in my life, it isn't fear of the world, it is fear of myself ... because as Nosy Nora once said, i have more power that i think ...

xoxo

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