grey rainy days

i don't know what it's like in your part of the world, but here it has been wet, grey, and cold, for weeks. this week has been especially cold and damp with no sign of sunshine in the forecast. 

it is not helping my mood. 

so i started thinking about other rainy days and i remembered this terrible thing that i did when i was 11. 

11 year old girls are not particularly nice. at least, not all the time. i know because i was one. but i also know because that is the age that i teach. the raging hormones that fluctuate coupled with the strong desire to fit in are a terrible combination for making bad decisions. 

it was a wednesday. i know, because i always went to my best friend K's house on wednesdays. dinner would be KFC later on, but first we were playing outside in the rain. another friend, MC, was over playing with us and we decided that it was time to initiate her into our secret club ... that was the name of it ... "our secret club" ... very original. 

initiation. what a terrible concept. we came up with 2 things that MC had to do to be inducted into our club. she had to climb up onto the neighbour's roof and she had to drink a concoction of our choosing. 

i will never forget the conflict i felt as i watched MC risk her life to climb up onto the roof. it was exciting, and mean, and scary all at the same time. 

and then there was the concoction .... milk, mustard, ketchup, and water from the pickle jar ... and i stood there and watched as MC drank it. 

both tasks were thought up by K. but i didn't stop it. i participated. 

why do we participate in things that we know are wrong? why are we unable to step up and stand up for rightness? (there's no red squiggle under "rightness" ... apparently that is a real word and not one that i made up this time)

i forgive myself for the things that i did at age 11. i forgive myself for not standing up for MC and for participating in her initiation which could also be called torture (that drink was awful). it's important to forgive yourself for wrongs of your past. but it is equally important to forgive yourself for wrongs of your recent past ... as in, yesterday, or an hour ago. and it is just as important to make amends. 

if i knew how to find MC in the world, i would apologize for the wrongs that were done to her in the name of our secret club. 

i do, however, know how to find myself ... and i can apologize to myself for choices i made in my recent past. i can forgive myself for choosing numbing instead of living. i can forgive myself for choosing the easy road instead of the winding road that i am on now. 

in the spirit of rightness, forgive yourself for something today. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

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