FAT FAT FAT!!!

BEING FAT MEANS I HAVE EXTRA PADDING AROUND MY BONES AND MY MUSCLES AND MY ORGANS. 

IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT I HAVE EXTRA PADDING AROUND MY FEELINGS. 

I AM A HUMAN. 

A HUMAN WHO HURTS. 

A HUMAN WHO IS A DAUGHTER, A SISTER, A NEICE, AN AUNT, A PARTNER, A FRIEND, A TEACHER, A WRITER, AN ARTIST, AN ACTIVIST, A PACIFIST, A SOCIALIST, A LESBIAN, A BLOGGER, A DOG OWNER, A READER, A LEARNER, A FACEBOOK ADDICT, A THIRD GENERATION TORONTONIAN, A WIFE, A WOMAN, A FEMINIST, A QUEER. 

I AM HUMAN. 

AND I HAVE FEELINGS!!!! AND THOSE FEELINGS CAN BE STOMPED ON AND RIPPED OUT AND TORN INTO TINY PIECES AND FED TO HUNGRY TIGERS ON A PERFECTLY STRAWBERRY DAY. 

FAT PEOPLE ARE TREATED LIKE WE ARE BENEATH OTHERS, ESPECIALLY THOSE WITH THIN PRIVILEGE. ANGRY HATEFUL MEAN PEOPLE WHO HURL THE WORD FAT WITH THE INTENT TO HURT. 

THERE IS NO OTHER INTENT. 

YOU DONT THROW AN INSULT AT SOMEONE IF YOU ARE TRYING TO MAKE FRIENDS. OR IF YOU ARE TRYING OUT THE WORD. 

NO. 

THERE IS A PURPOSE IN CALLING PEOPLE NAMES AND THAT PURPOSE IS TO BE HATEFUL AND MEAN. 

AND I SHOULD BE ABOVE ALL OF THAT. 

BUT I AM HUMAN. AND I AM NOT ABOVE IT AT ALL. 

i have been drawing a lot about exclusion. And I will write more about that over the next few weeks. But the idea of exclusion got me to thinking about my weight and all the times that my body has been judged leading to social exclusion. And sometimes I am the one judging my body and excluding myself from social occasions. 

I didn't go to my 10 year high school reunion because I didn't want anyone to see how fat I had become. I was 150 lbs. and to me that meant I was a whale. 

I grew up bullied and excluded. 

So when something like this happens to me it brings up all sorts of old hurts that never seem to mend. They manage to scab but the scab keeps falling off and I bleed again before new skin has time to heal. 

TODAY A MAN TREATED ME LIKE I WAS NOTHING. LIKE I WAS A NOBODY. LIKE MY  (ACCIDENTAL) DISMISSAL OF HIM WAS CAUSE FOR A VERBAL ASSAULT. 

I was on an escalator in the mall by Mel Lastman Square. Apparently the man behind me had said hello to me. But I didn't hear him. What I DID hear was him ranting. "That fat fucking bitch can't even say hi to me. What's wrong with that fat bitch? I say hello and she can't even say hi back? Fat bitch, can't you say hi to me? What the fuck is wrong with you fat bitch?" 

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I took a breather so that you could let that sink in. Perhaps read it again. Some of you are in shock. Some of you don't care. Some of you are angry. Or protective of me. And some of you are thinking yes this happens to me too. 

Because this isn't the first time. Or the tenth. And it won't be the last. 

FAT SEEMS TO BE THE WORST THING YOU CAN CALL SOMEONE. 

The man on the escalator was not alone. He was with a friend. So was I. 

His friend was telling him to keep his voice down. Everyone around us could hear him yelling at me and they were staring. Which only brought further attention to me, to my body, and to my shame. His friend didn't tell him to stop, only to lower his voice. His friend didn't tell me he was sorry. Or ask me if I was okay. His friend stood by and let this happen. The many onlookers did nothing. Said nothing. Because fat people are fat. We are lazy, greedy, gluttonous, lumps who sit on our asses all day eating fast food. The man was just telling it like it is. 

I can hear many of you thinking that I should not give him so much power. That I am taking the rankings of a mean or unwell man. Or a man who was having a bad day. That I am taking his outburst too seriously. That I am taking it to heart. That I shouldn't let it hurt me. That I shouldn't let it bother me. That I shouldn't let it affect me. 

But it wasn't the crazy rantings of one man. It is a build up of many strangers who think it is okay to call me names with the word "fat" thrown in for good measure. Because "fat" is the clincher. 

It was the onlookers who hurt me to my core. Who allowed it to continue. To allowed him to berate me. 

Could I have turned around and said something to him? Perhaps. Would he have said he was sorry? Perhaps. From past experience, I ca only imagine he would do what others have done which would be to increase the verbal assault to full on verbal warfare. Dropping names like machine gun fire pinging at me in rapid succession and sinking into my heart. 

I was stunned into silence. And scared into submission. 

I did nothing. 

Having so many people hearing him call me names. Specifically the repetition of "fat" made me feel naked and exposed. 

And I felt like I must be a fat bitch because nobody stood up for me. Nobody stepped in. I regressed back to my bullied 13 year old self who would cry in the bathroom after the boys sang my theme song, "Hippie the Hippo".  And even when I asked for help the teachers would laugh. Because taunting is funny. 

 My friend who was with me on the escalator heard nothing. She was oblivious to the event. And I was so shamed and dehumanized and stunned, that I couldn't even tell her what had happened. I just kept walking. And I finished our visit on autopilot. 

I am fat. 

I drove home from my friend's house and decided that I would never eat again. I would starve myself and lose 100 lbs by the end of the summer. 

But I decided that the only person getting hurt in that scenario would be me. And as badly as I wanted to punish myself for being fat, that hardly seemed like the best option. 

I am fat. 

As I was thinking through the starving myself plan, it occurred to me that there was another option. Go buy a bag of chips, donuts, and ice cream and go home and eat them. In fact, go home and eat everything. IN FACT, don't stop eating at all! I could eat and eat and eat and not do any exercising at all. And get to be over 600 lbs and not be able to leave my house, possibly even my bed. And then I would have a reason to stay home permanently and never have to be seen ever, ever again. 

As I drove to 7-11 hatching my scheme for gaining at least 500 lbs, it occurred to me that this too was only going to hurt me and not the  man who harmed me. And although self-punishment is what I do best, it didn't seem like the right option either. 

I am fat. 

I had a moment where I pondered how I could make myself disappear forever so that no one could ever look at me again. Which would mean no one could ever ridicule me over my body ever again. 

But I AM fat. That's the reality. 

PP REMINDED ME TONIGHT, "you are not fat, you have fat."

I was able to practice self-care. To draw what happened to me. To write about it. instead of starving. Instead of binging. 

And through my drawing, I developed compassion for the man who hurt me. What was his life like that he has to lash out and hurt others? What was done to him to cause him so much hurt and bitterness? 

DONT MISUNDERSTAND ME. I AM FURIOUS. HOW DARE HE DEMEAN, DEHUMANIZE, AND INSULT ME. 

and at the same time, to have that much meanness and hatefulness and spitefulness in you ... It had to come from somewhere. 

I am angry. I am hurt. The qualifier "fat" will always be attached to my description. To my identity. To my experience of the world - the way I navigate the world and the way I am treated. 

I found a way to manage my emotions by drawing and writing.  

Find your outlet. 

Be kind to yourself, and for crying out loud, BE KIND TO OTHERS!!!!

xoxo

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