scared part 2

yesterday i wrote a post about 50 things that i was scared of. but since then i have thought of so many more things that scare me. 

51. being authentic in case it means no one likes me.
52. i can't sleep with any part of me hanging over the side of the bed (or too close to the edge of the bed) in case something grabs me. or someone. 
53. dogs.
54. gory movies.
55. my parents dying.
56. snakes.
57. people who get angry.
58. my car dying in the middle of nowhere.
59. flat tires.
60. death in general.
61. guns.
62. violence.
63. being late.
64. not sleeping. 
65. sleeping too much.
66. anxiety.
67. being pulled over by the police.
68. wild animals.
69. being reincarnated as a frog. ok, not really. that one was for nosy nora. 
70. that there is life after death and i will have to live all over again and never get to just sleep.
71. that there is no life after death and this is all we have.
72. moving.
73. debt.
74. panic attacks.
75. anger.
76. yelling.
77. ants in my house.
78. drugs.
79. driving in the dark.
80. driving in the dark in the rain.
81. driving in a snow storm.
82. war.
83. genocide.
84. tornadoes.
85. the power going off.
86. bad credit.
87. running out of money.
88. my teeth falling out. 
89. strangers.
90. getting in trouble at work. 
91. having to work forever.
92. not being able to work. 
93. tv shows and movies about violence.
94. DP leaving me.
95. ghost stories.
96. public bathrooms.
97. cancer.
98. not being able to pay the bills.
99. the dark.
100. running out of things to write about.

and that makes my top 100 things that i am afraid of. there's a few repeats from yesterday's list i think. but that's only 'cause those things are really scary. 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

scared

i have noticed that many of my readers are from Russia. I wanted to say welcome and thank you for reading my blog. 

Добро пожаловать и спасибо за чтение моего блога . Я ценю, что ты , что нашли время , чтобы посетить мой сайт и читать мои мысли .

Dobro pozhalovat' i spasibo za chteniye moyego bloga 

YA tsenyu, chto ty , chto nashli vremya , chtoby posetit' moy sayt 

i chitat' moi mysli 

as halloween approaches, i thought it would write about things that scare me. the list is long. and sometimes irrational. 

here are my top 50 fears:

1. i am afraid of getting lost
2. i am afraid of not finding parking
3. i am afraid of my car breaking down - or spontaneously exploding
4. i am afraid of getting a flat tire
5. i am afraid of dark parking lots
6. i'm afraid of dark streets at night
7. i'm afraid of being raped.
8. i'm afraid of being murdered
9. i'm afraid of burning dinner when i cook
10. i'm afraid of people being mad at me
11. i'm afraid when people yell
12. i'm afraid of the news
13. i'm afraid of dogs
14. i'm afraid of being wrong
15. i'm afraid of breaking the rules
16. i'm afraid of being fat forever
17. i'm afraid of being in trouble
18. i'm afraid of insects
19. i'm afraid of mice and rats
20. i'm afraid of police
21. i'm afraid of bad guys
22. i'm afraid that if i drive with the windows open someone will reach inside and steal my bag
23. i'm afraid of my car windows being smashed in (which has happened twice so it's not irrational)
24. i'm afraid of drinking too much
25. i'm afraid of getting stuck on an elevator
26. i'm afraid of my house being broken into
27. i'm afraid of the people i love dying
28. i'm afraid of losing my friends
29. i'm afraid of being car jacked or shot
30. i'm afraid of a shooting happening at my school
31. i'm afraid of guns
32. i'm afraid of stray cats
33. i'm afraid of magic being real and i'm afraid that it's not
34. i'm afraid of men i pass walking down the street
35. i'm afraid of strangers
36. i'm afraid of my fears
37. i'm afraid of death
38. i'm afraid of living
39. i'm afraid of sleeping to much and of sleeping too little
40. i'm afraid of sharing too much
41. i'm afraid of scary movies
42. i'm afraid of shows like "criminal minds"
43. i'm afraid of my friends changing their minds about wanting to be friends with me (which has happened numerous times and isn't an irrational fear either)
44. i'm afraid of my teeth falling out
45. i'm afraid of car commercials, and credit card commercials
46. i'm afraid to take pills and i'm afraid not to
47. i'm afraid of spiders
48. i'm afraid of money - of not having enough, of owing too much
49.i'm afraid of my back being sore
50. i'm afraid of the subway. 

i am pretty much afraid of something all the time. it's exhausting. do any of you have any advice to deal with my fears?

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

hoping for karen

“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” 
― Alexander Pope

when i was two years old, my mom took me to see the nutcracker. karen kain was dancing the role of clara and i fell in love with ballet, with karen kain, and with the nutcracker. 

that chrismas my dad rigged up the tree by tying it with fishing line to nails he put in the walls and the floor. all so that i could dance around the tree like clara. 

when i was 3, i started ballet lessons. and i stayed in dance class until i was 19. at 5, i started to get books about karen kain, who much to my pleasure, used to sneak out of dance school for donuts and pastries. 

my mom took me to the ballet to see karen kain 3 more times and every time .... all three times!! ... the understudy danced. no karen for me. 

i find that happens to me a lot. i go into something hoping for the best and end up disappointed. so how do we deal with disappointment? how do we pick ourselves up and keep going when your third trip in a row to the ballet has an understudy dancing?

1. share your feelings. there's nothing wrong with venting about your disappointment. it's better than keeping it bottled up.

2. ask yourself how serious your disappointment is. is not seeing karen kain dance as serious as losing a job? 

3. think about all the things that you are thankful for. the reality is that your list of gratefulness will likely be longer than your current disappointment. 

4. take some time to let yourself feel disappointed. it's ok. it's a feeling and it will pass (says nosy nora). but at some point it's good to start thinking positively. you can't stay disappointed forever. 

5. Practice acceptance and we may suffer less as it is happening and notice the good things in life more. Disappointment is a part of life, but all parts of life can help us grow. We can be present and aware even in the midst of negative emotions and therefore life more fully.  http://tinybuddha.com/blog/4-steps-to-deal-with-disappointment/

i'm not saying it's easy. i'm still hoping for karen. i have high hopes for good things to come. you have nothing if you don't have hope. 

hope. hope is the antidote for disappointment.  wikipedia defines hope as:

Hope is an optimistic attitude of mind based on an expectation of positive outcomes related to events and circumstances in one's life or the world at large. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hope


here is a guide to having hope if you are feeling hopeless ... http://www.wikihow.com/Have-Hope

hope. disappointment. it's okay to feel both of those feelings and everything in between. but it's important not to dwell on the disappointed side of the spectrum. 

You've gotta have hope
Mustn't sit around and mope
Nothin's half as bad as it may appear
Wait'll next year and mope - EDDIE FISHER      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mkz-YSRAYdA

be kind to yourself, 
xoxo

...

depression

there are several people in my life struggling with depression right now. aside from myself. the best post that i have read about depression is at http://daisiesandbruises.com/2014/09/27/full-weight-depression/

she wrote that depression feels like one of those vests they put on you when you get an x ray. and she talked about how it weighs you down. and how no one can fight it for you, it is something you have to do yourself no matter how much support you receive. 

it gets harder and harder to pretend to be fine all the time. harder to smile and to laugh. harder to do daily activities. depression saps your energy. there is a theory about spoons ( http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/ ) that explains how you start your day with a certain number of spoons and that each task uses up spoons. i often feel like i am out of spoons. nosy nora says you can always find more spoons . i spend my days looking for more spoons or finding ways to complete tasks without any spoons. 

i will keep this post brief in the hopes that you click on the link and read the post i mentioned above. because it explains depression and its effects better than i can. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

chocolate

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.” 
― Charles M. Schulz

chocolate should be its own food group. it stands on its own as the perfect food. not that waxy stuff they sell as chocolate bars. but real chocolate. i am partial to milk chocolate. 

“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” 
― Linda Grayson

i am terrible at sharing chocolate. i eat it fast sometimes without stopping to savour the taste and then its gone and i forgot to offer to share it. 

“Strength is the capacity to break a Hershey bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces.” 
― Judith Viorst

i have been practicing enjoying and tasting chocolate these days. and in doing so, i have discovered that i am not partial to chocolate bars that are waxy or full of other ingredients. but there is still something to be said for cadbury mini eggs. especially when you crack the shell carefully with your teeth, peel off the layers, and then suck on the chocolate inside as it melts in your mouth. 

chocolate tastes completely different when you really take the time to enjoy the flavour. letting it melt in your mouth. 

“Don't wreck a sublime chocolate experience by feeling guilty.
Chocolate isn't like premarital sex. It will not make you pregnant.
And it always feels good.” 
― Lora Brody

women on diets swear off chocolate. i'm here to tell you ... DON'T. chocolate is a reason to live. there is nothing to feel guilty about when eating chocolate. i'm not telling you to eat a giant box of chocolates every day. but one piece each day is completely acceptable. and highly encouraged. and knowing that you will have chocolate again tomorrow makes it easier to only eat a small bit each day. 

“The greatest tragedies were written by the Greeks and Shakespeare...neither knew chocolate.” 
― Sandra Boynton

imagine a world without chocolate?!?!?!?!?! there was a time in history when there were no chocolate bars. 

wow. 

what a tragedy. 

“Chocolate symbolizes, as does no other food, luxury, comfort, sensuality, gratification, and love.” 
― Karl Petzke

chocolate is the perfect food. it should be added to the food pyramid, right at the top, as something to be consumed daily for gratification. 

and that, my friends, is what i think about chocolate. 

be kind to yourself, and eat something sensual, 

xoxo

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