Research

It has been quite awhile since I have written anything on my blog. I have been on a leave from work and just trying to stay afloat and get through life. To sort through stressors, anxiety, and the chronic pain issues that I have been experiencing for the last 6 months.

This last week I decided to give myself a project - something that I had been thinking about for awhile. I wanted to do research and write an academic article on the potential of using self-pleasure as a replacement for self-harm behaviours in disordered eating (or Eating Disorders: ED).

I tried google first and found it to be less than helpful. I'm sure you can imagine the types of websites that pop-up when using search words such as "pleasure", "self pleasure", "sex", "sexuality" ... not very helpful.

I then discovered that the Toronto Public Library has public access to 2 search engines for academic journals. It was a treasure trove of information. I dove into the archives and read academic articles from the last 50+ years about the history of masturbation, the history of women's sexuality, different theories on ED, ED symptomatic behaviours, ED treatment, self-harm, self-harm treatment, and the health benefits of pleasure.

My digging led me to some really interesting studies, some of which had nothing to do with the topic but the titles popped up in my search and compelled me to read them. Things from the sexual activities of monkeys and their relation to that of human development, to the history of knowledge around orgasms. It has been quite the adventure thus far.

I became completely immersed in the research and writing. The article is currently in draft form and is 17 pages long!

I am stuck on some pretty weird theories posed by Sigmund Freud that I truly don't understand. I am working through trying to understand what the hell he was talking about when he wrote about a phallus baby as being the reason for bulimia. I even turned to my friend Dr. M, who is a psychiatrist. He said that he doesn't understand what Freud was saying! When I saw my psychiatrist today I asked him about it. He coincidentally works with Dr. M and knows that he is my friend. After explaining my Freud analysis issue, my psychiatrist suggested that I speak to Dr. M about it, saying that he is well versed and supervised my doctor's reading of Freud!

So no one seems to understand what he was talking about, except the academics who wrote about it who are even more confusing to read than Freud himself.

Perhaps his theories on eating disorders are too antiquated and entirely unnecessary for my writing.

As you can see from my babbling on and on about it, this project has consumed me.

I didn't realize how much I truly miss academia. In 2002 I was accepted into a Phd program that I had to turn down because of money. The program was in Sheffield, England and the fees for foreign students were exorbitant. The estimate was that I would need $100,000 per year to attend the program. That same year, I was offered a scholarship to Dalhousie in Halifax, Nova Scotia. So I accepted the scholarship and my life took a different path.

I often wonder where the Phd would have led me. It was in the field of geography, specifically human geography. And I was hand picked by a woman that I call "my academic crush." I have read everything she has published and am always astonished by her brilliance and the theories she works to prove. It still makes me sad that I had to turn it down.

Stupid money.

This project has made me feel alive. It is feeding my soul and allowing me to feel pleasure. To explore areas of research that I was unaware of. It is opening my mind to new ideas and new areas for exploration.

I can't wait to see what topic I think of to work on next!

This is my last week being on sick leave. Next week I return to the real life of having to go to work every day, of having to bring work home, of having to put my energy into my career. My intention is to carve out time for this process that I am so passionate about. Even if nothing ever comes of my reading except my own happiness.

I hope that all my readers can find something that brings you as much pleasure and passion as my project has for me.

Be kind to yourself,

xoxo

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