catching air in my hands ...

i had the most fantastic day. 

i laughed so much my abs hurt. 

and then i came home and felt happy, and joyful, and i was trying not to get my hopes up and yet i was convinced that a switch had been "flicked" and that the new meds were working and that i was feeling better and that i was going to get to go back to work early! i started thinking about all the things that i was going to do back at work. the people that i miss. and i was excited. 

i was smiling and snuggling and feeling like i was on top of the world. i rolled over to go to sleep and listened to the gentle breathing of the love of my life beside me. and then it was like i was trying to hold onto air in my hands as the joy and happiness slipped through my fingers. 

and i started to cry. 

no reason. nothing that i can identify anyway. no trigger. 

just the slowly fading feeling of happiness that had filled me trickled out of me and was replaced with the empty feeling that has haunted me for so long. 

i wanted to be able to hold onto that happiness. i wanted that joyful laughter that filled my afternoon and evening to fill up all the empty places inside of me. 

instead, i feel hollow and sad. and inconsequential. 

so i decided to reach out to my blog readers tonight. how do you hold onto happiness? how to do you keep the joy inside of you? please leave your comment at the end of this post, or contact me by email using the contact form on the right side of this page. let me know if i can share your ideas with my readers. 

xoxo
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