new years eve 2014

new years eve ... a time for reflection on the year that is ending before a new one begins. a time to ponder the events of the year that has passed and to make plans for the coming year. 

i don't make resolutions. they are too easy to break and let yourself down. but i do reflect on the past and the future. i do dream of things to come. 

2014 was a very difficult year for me. if you read through my blog posts from this last year, you can see how much i have changed. 

last year at this time i was barely holding myself together. i was emailing nosy nora (my therapist) pretty much daily just to keep connected to someone who knew that i was falling apart. in january i ended up taking a leave of absence from work. i was off for 6 weeks and spent that time curled up on the couch wrapped in a blanket. unable to do much of anything else. 

when i went back to work, it was only half time. that's all i could manage. 

i cried all the time. i felt like the world was crashing down around me and that i was being crushed underneath it. 

the fall of 2014 brought more sadness and hard times. i was dragging myself into work every day, but barely functioning. i was doing the bare minimum and luckily had GT to pick up the loose ends and keep things running smoothly. thank goodness for GT. 

every day at work i get a 40 minute prep time, where i plan my lessons, photocopy, mark work, etc. but i was using those 40 minutes to curl up in a ball on a dog bed that i had stashed under my desk. when i think of it now, it feels crazy. totally and completely crazy. but at the time it was what i needed to do just to function. i needed to curl up in a ball and close my eyes for those 40 minutes. 

then at lunch time i would eat quickly and head back to my dog bed under my desk for a 15 minute curl up. 

i have come a long way. not only am i now using my prep time to actually prepare things, i have moved the dog bed out from under my desk and i no longer feel the need to curl up in a ball. 

i will admit that part of the change has to do with a change in medications that has really helped me cope with the world. but part of it are the huge changes that i have made over the last year. 

see the following blog posts to read about the changes that i have made. 

http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/11/changes.html

http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/11/beads.html

i can honestly say that i feel happiness. i am sitting my couch, listening to christmas music by the tree and thinking about the good things that are to come. 2015 is a mystery. full of potential and adventure. and it will be what we make it. 

i can't talk about new years eve without talking about gigi. 19 years ago today was the last time that i spoke to her. she was trying to convince me to go to a party with her, but i had chosen to babysit. i was miserable that night. grumpy. out of sorts. 

and gigi died at that party. i always wonder how my life would have been different had i been there. for years i believed that i could have changed the outcome. could have noticed earlier. could have called 911 faster. could have saved her. 

i know now that i couldn't. i know now that she came into my life to give me the gift of true friendship. to teach me that i could be loved for who i am, not for who people tried to make me be. and that is a gift i have carried with me all these years. 

i wish you all the best in 2015. i wish you happiness, magic, and adventure. i wish you true friendship and that you can believe that you deserve to be love for who you are. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

unexpected

things don't always go as planned. 

i am a planner. i think things through. i am prepared. i am organized. 

yesterday i was supposed to see a movie and instead ended up with a flat tire. 

today i imagined (worried and stressed about) that i planned to spend the entire day waiting for my tire to get fixed and the mechanic ended up fixing it within an hour. 

nosy nora suggested that i spend my time worrying about things in place of other things. as in, i worry about my car getting a flat tire instead of worrying about important and reasonable things. instead of admitting to myself what i am actually worrying about. i fill my brain with worries that are slightly ridiculous, or at least unimportant. 

today, for example, while talking to nosy nora i was completely distracted thinking about where i parked my car. why? because i had to go in a different entrance and parked in a different spot and was completely convinced that i wasn't going to be able to find my way back and if and when i did find my way back to the car i wasn't going to be able to find my way out of the parking lot. so as we were talking, i kept picturing myself driving around the underground garage in circles for an hour trying to find the exit. 

dude. there are signs that say "exit" and have arrows. and the lot isn't that big. 

but i was totally distracted and my heart was racing. 

so back to my flat tire. i lost it and had a total and complete meltdown over the tire. it was ridiculous. i couldn't stop crying. over a tire. nosy nora says, "it's just a car." and intellectually i know that. but one of my biggest anxieties is about something happening to my car. so getting a flat tire did me in. i just stood there on the side of the road crying and couldn't stop.

it was so embarrassing. 

so the question becomes, what was i really crying about? was it my car? was it my tire? or was that just the tipping point in my stressful life? 

what does my anxiety cover up? what space does it replace in my brain. 

in case you're wondering, my uncle came and changed my tire to the spare. my aunt made me sugary tea and gave me a long hug. we drove home on the highway very slowly and then i took the car in this morning to the mechanic. the rim was bent and apparently that makes the tire leak. totally don't get it. but i don't need to. that's what mechanics and uncles are for. 

another major anxiety of mine is the dentist. i'm terrified that i will go to the dentist, and s/he will clean my teeth and my front tooth will fall out. 

crazy. 

i know i'm crazy. 

i think about it all the time. i am completely convinced that my front tooth is going to fall out. which if i don't get myself to a dentist could actually happen. but i'm too scared to go to the dentist. 

PP says that if my tooth falls out at the dentist i would have all sorts of blog stories to tell ... 

... 

things don't always go the way you expect them to. you can't plan for everything. you can't always be prepared. 

my car has a spare tire, jack, and wrench. i worry about flat tires all the time. i was completely prepared to have a flat and had a way to deal with it. i also have CAA (that's like AAA if you're reading this from the states. it's a car service if you're reading this from another country). but i wasn't emotionally prepared for the flat tire. it was completely unexpected. 

if we spend our time preparing for the worst, we won't be able to enjoy our lives. you can't plan life. life unfolds. you can't control anything that happens to you or what other people do, think, or feel. the only thing you can control is your reaction to the unexpected. or in my case, the reaction to the reaction. 

i need to forgive myself for sobbing about a flat tire. i need to forgive myself for needing my uncle to fix the problem instead of dealing with it myself. and i need to forgive myself for struggling to face the unexpected. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

Saturday morning

It's early Saturday morning and I'm sitting in Starbucks with my love, waiting for the mechanic to put on snow tires. I couldn't sleep last night. Probably worrying about the process of putting on snow tires,  dumb I know. I can't help my worries. I worry about everything. Even on this mild Saturday morning with the snow melting. 

Saturdays used to be my favourite day of the week when I was a kid. I would wake up early and watch tv. That show where they dumped green goop on peoples heads. Anyway. My mom would call me for ballet class and we would head out along the danforth.  I loved ballet class. Even though I was a terrible dancer. My mom never let me forget that I wasn't very good. But I danced with all my heart, which made up for my lack of grace and beauty. 

After ballet we would go to a greasy spoon and order vanilla cokes and vanilla danish. My mom would order fries with gravy which I thought was disgusting but I've since grown to love. 

As I grew older and my inability to dance resulted in no more ballet lessons, Saturday morning became grocery shopping day.  I would go with my mom early in the morning to loblaws. After shopping we would either go to the zellers restaurant or to mcdonalds. We would share a meal. And at zellers we would have to hide behind a post so no one saw us, my mom is a bit of a snob ... Ok, not just a bit of a snob. After our brunch we would go to the library where I would sneakily borrow slightly veiled lesbian themed books. 

I loved those Saturday mornings. These days I sleep through them. But not today. 

Today I am enjoying the early morning as I write at Starbucks sipping an earl grey tea. 

I should mention that despite my lack of coordination and grace, after I left ballet I took jazz and tap and musical theatre dance classes until I was 19. I loved the feeling of moving my body, even knowing that I had no talent. I loved to dance. 

I still love to watch dance. My best friend Gigi was a dancer, a good one. A beautiful dancer. I just lack the talent in that area.  

I'm sure you are thinking that I am being hard on myself. But I assure you I am not. Have you ever seen the Alistor sims version of a Christmas carol? Well at the end he dances the polka. Badly. My mom once told me I polka like him with my legs flailing around. And one year my ballet teacher held me back and I had to dance a second year with the level fours while all my friends moved on to level five. And she held me back from doing the exams. That was embarrassing. I think that was my last year of ballet.  At least dancing it, not watching it. 

But back to Saturdays ... 

... It's nice to be up and about instead of lying in bed pretending to be asleep. Or trying to sleep. Or drifting in an out of sleep. 

After I gave up ballet, I started taking piano lessons on Saturdays after errands. That was yet another endeavour that I didn't fully commit to. I rarely practiced and when I did I wasn't focused. So I never got to be any good. My life is full of half-assed attempts. Flute, violin, drums, piano. I gave up on all of them. 

Recently, on a Saturday, I had coffee with my piano teacher, whom I hadn't seen in twenty-three years. It was actually really nice to get to know her as a person instead of as my crazy piano teacher. 

I first saw the ballet when I was three. It was the nutcracker. And I fell in love with dance and with the story and with the character Clara, I wanted to be Clara and I wanted to be a dancer. That Christmas all I wanted was to be able to dance around the tree like Clara did in the ballet. 

My dad is many things.  He and I don't get along. He pushes my buttons and drives me absolutely insane. He is stingy and grumpy and full of advice. But he also is very proud of me and when I was growing up he would do anything for me. Now it's a chore if I ask for help. But that Christmas he wanted to make my dream come true ... So ... He nailed nails in the walls and the floor and used fishing line to tie the tree in place so that I could dance around it like Clara. I don't remember dancing, but I remember the tree. And I remember the trouble he went to in order to make that happen for me. 

I want to be that for my children. I want to do all that I can to make their dreams come true. Even if that means putting holes in the floor just so that they can dance around the tree. 

I saw the nutcracker a few years ago and they have changed it up. Modernized it. And there was no dancing around the tree. I was very disappointed. 

... Funny ... It's Saturday morning and my mom is texting me from her errands asking me if I need anything. I guess some things change and some things stay the same. 

I hope you have (or had) a glorious Saturday morning. 

Be kind to yourself, 

Xoxo

...

holiday food survival guide

as the holidays approach and parties are thrown, many of us start to worry about all the extra calories we will ingest. 

so i'm here to tell you how to manage your way through holiday foods. 

it all boils down to one word: eat. 

yep, you heard me. eat. once a year, we indulge in our favourite foods. comfort foods, sweet foods, festive foods, traditional foods, yearly foods. for me it's turkey and mashed potatoes and "magic squares" which consist of graham cracker crumbs, coconut, condensed milk, and chocolate chips. 

eat them. 

what the hell is going to happen to you if you eat and enjoy? you might gain a few pounds. it could happen. 

the problem with holiday foods and party foods is that we deny ourselves these foods and then we over do it. the fact is. you can make yourself a turkey whenever you want. you can cook mashed potatoes whenever you want. you don't need to eat the entire pot of mashed potatoes at christmas dinner. there is an abundance of delicious foods in the world and you can make them for yourself whenever you want to. 

so how do you survive the indulgent holiday season? 

you don't survive it. 

you enjoy it. 

you eat. 

eat what you want. eat what tastes good. eat until you feel satisfied and then stop eating. and then eat again when you are hungry again. and enjoy the delicious, the familiar, the comforting, the holiday favourites. 

i know too many people who don't eat at parties. or who stick the the veggie trays. i know too many people who bring diet treats with them to parties and eat their own treats. 

seriously? eat a damn cookie and get over it. you aren't going to gain 20 lbs over a few weeks of parties and special dinners. 

so to sum it up ... over the holidays you can survive the parties and the indulgent foods by eating. 

eat. 

trust me. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

a weighty topic revised

a weighty topic

i want to write about being fat. 

i want to write about how my weight has always been the business of my family, my doctors, and strangers. 

this is a photo of me at age 7. i thought that i was enormously and hideously fat. my food intake was commented on; monitored .... i believed that my stomach was huge. that my thighs were huge. i believed there was no way anyone could every love me. 

i was embarrassed about how fat i was ....

... look again at that photo. look how thin i was! look at my flat stomach. my small thighs.  and i was convinced, by the people around me, that i was fat and ugly and worthless and undeserving.i was convinced that i was fat and ginormous. 

and these feelings became a self-fulfilling prophesy. 

and now, 30 years later, my body continues to be everyone else's business. 

no matter what doctor i go to see. no matter what medical concern i have. the answer i am given is always to "lose weight" as if i haven't tried. 

i have been offered bribes by people who claim to love me, or who are supposed to love me, that if i lose weight they will buy me things. 

radical t said: " I don't think people get that no matter what we [women with PCOS] go to the doctor for, certain doctors will always bring up the weight. it is the last taboo..."

doctors believe the myths about fat people too. 

i want to write about the comments that strangers make. about men bumping into me and telling me "move it fat bitch" or just randomly making comments. yelling "fat ass" at me. i want to write about the time i went into a restaurant and heard some teenagers say "she better only order salad."

i want to write about how i can't eat junk food in front of other people. 

i want to write about the shame i feel when i shop with someone who can go into any store and try on clothes and i can't. i want to write about how embarrassing it is when someone says, "that would look good on you, go try it on!" and i know that it is 4 sizes too small and that it's the biggest size in the store. 

i want to write about trying to squeeze into booths in restaurants. i want to write about the discomfort on an airplane. 

but there are no words for these thoughts and feelings. and i can't write about them. they are self-loathing feelings. they are self-hating thoughts. they are words thrown at myself from all sides. thoughts: fat. ugly. lazy. stupid. being fat means you suck. being fat means you have no willpower. being fat means you sit and eat junk food all day. being fat means that you eat macdonalds every day. being fat means you are lazy. 

WIDELY HELD AND ACCEPTED BELIEFS ABOUT FAT PEOPLE:

• fat people have no willpower
• fat people are sad
• fat people have low self-esteem
• fat people are unhealthy and are going to die young
• fat people eat uncontrollably
• fat people don't know why they are fat
• if fat people really wanted to lose weight they could
• fat people are lonely
• fat people are ugly
• fat people can't find love

the truth is that being fat is an outward expression of my inside wounds. each pound, a story of pain. if i were to keep a food journal and publish it, thin readers would be shocked at what i eat. i LOOK like i eat fried food all day long followed by chips, chocolate, and doughnuts. 

but that isn't what a typical day of food looks like for me. 

i start with a cup of tea. my stomach gurgles and rumbles and wants food. but i punish myself for being fat and i refuse to eat. i like the feeling of control that i have by deciding what goes into me. eventually i give in and i will eat either yogurt and fruit, or toast with peanut butter. then the morning turns to noon and i start to think about the fact that i have to eat some sort of food for lunch. and i practice that messed up control of not eating as my stomach calls out for food. noon becomes 2pm and i start to feel a bit weak and dizzy so i give in and eat something. maybe soup, or salad, or more toast. sometimes i don't give in and i make more tea instead. dinner time comes along and i don't really feel hungry, but SC is hungry so i cook something. maybe chicken and vegetables. maybe some rice. (brown rice for me). at some point in the evening, my stomach begins to yell at me for not feeding it throughout the day. so i have a banana or i cut up and apple. 

once in awhile i will allow myself to have a couple of chocolate mini-eggs. i used to eat the entire bag at once. but since i have given myself permission to eat them, i only need to have 2 or 3 of them because i know i can go back for more another day if i want to. 


Zed read this post for me. i was curious about her thoughts. she said: 

you've hit the nail on the head with how you feel about food and fat. so many people feel the way you do, believe me - WE ALL DO! the self loathing and hatred is a very difficult thing to get over. when I'm out and about, doing errands, shopping whatever - i feel invisible. people can't see me. or they choose not too. most of the times i don't mind, as i have a hard time dealing with strangers as it is. but then i wonder - am i invisible? can people see right thru me? or do they choose not to look at me because looking at me makes them feel disgusted and they feel more worthy than me. am i really less of a person because i am MORE of a person? hard things to deal with. but i try. i make myself go out and be in the world because i matter, no matter what my size is. i dress a certain way because it makes me feel good and attractive and better about myself. and FUCK what everyone else thinks!! i refuse to hide from the world because i don't look like what 'they' or 'society' says i should look like! that's my thoughts on this very contentious issue!

being fat isn't a choice. and i have tried many times to not be fat. but i shouldn't have to. and i face enough hatred and judgment from myself. i don't need to experience it from strangers on the street. 

I leave you with this thought:

be kind to yourself, regardless of your size, regardless of how you see your size ...

xoxo

...

friendship

i have no reached over 20,000 page views on my website. it's hard for me to believe that many people have viewed my site. 

i have so much that i want to write about and share with the world. and it's so exciting to see that people from all over the world have visited my site. 

today i want to talk about friendships and how they ebb and flow. 

No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow.Alice Walker

friends are the most important thing in life. friends are there for you and don't crush your dreams. friends are there to support you as you change and grow. over time sometimes friendships fade and people move in and out of each other's lives. it's a sad fact of life. 


True friendship is like a rose: we don’t realize its beauty until it fades.Evelyn Loeb

sometimes we don't know what we had until it is gone. there are times when you just grow apart from your friendship. and other times when something comes between you. 

Oh, sometimes I think it is of no use to make friends. They only go out of your life after awhile and leave a hurt that is worse than the emptiness before they came.L.M. Montgomery

losing a friend is hard and sad and heartbreaking. it leaves you broken in a way that can't be healed. there are holes in my heart from friends who have drifted away. sometimes people change and grow apart from each other. it happens. and it's sad. 

A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument. A real friend knows that it’s not a friendship until after you’ve had a fight.Unkown

fighting with a friend is the worst. because you can't kiss and make up. but disagreeing is part of life. and finding ways to fight in a healthy way is part of relationships. 


Cutting people out of your life is easy, keeping them in is hard.Walter Dean Myers

i have lost more friends than i can count. 

for some reason, people decide not to like me anymore. one day they are my friend and then suddenly they aren't. it has happened time and time again. it started in high school. there was a group of us who were best friends. we did everything together. and then one of them decided that she didn't like me. and she convinced the rest of the group not to like me anymore. so they all stopped talking to me and didn't include me in anything anymore. 

it broke my heart. 

and it happened more than once in high school and in university. 

it even happened to me as an adult. one day R was one of my closest friends. for a few years. and then i turned my back on her once in a meeting to speak to someone else. and that was it. poof. end of friendship. she hasn't spoken to me since then. 8 years later i don't miss her friendship at all. 

other friendships i miss. G was my best friend in university. we shared everything. and when we moved away, we remained good friends. we talked all the time and visited each other. i flew to ottawa from halifax to see her. and then over time we drifted away from each other. and it hurts. 

friends come and go in our lives. 

and then there are the friends who will always be there no matter how much time passes between when you see them. there are people who i rarely see but still consider to be my closest friends. 

treasure your friends. hold them close. treat your friends the way that you want them to treat you. be kind to them. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

plus sized

the most annoying thing about being considered plus size is being called plus size. as if our size isn't normal, it's "plus." a size plus more sizes. 

then there's shopping. you can't just go into any store and buy things off the rack. you have to go to specialty stores that carry sizes bigger than 14. and so much of what they carry is super ugly. 

in some stores, they have a plus size section. like at walmart. do you know how embarrassing it is to have to go to the plus size section? why can't they just have clothes of all sizes in the same place? 

is there some REASON why the clothes need to be separate? 

AND they cost more. apparently they use more material and they have to adjust the pattern. which makes it cost more. 

even at walmart in the men's section where they have the clothes together, they will have a sign saying $7 for the shirts and then in smaller font, "+ $2 for 3x and up."

at old navy, men's clothing all costs the same no matter what size. but women's clothing costs more. according to the consumerist, plus size jeans cost at least $15 more than "regular" size jeans. 

http://consumerist.com/2014/11/12/old-navy-tries-to-explain-why-women-pay-extra-for-plus-size-clothes-but-men-dont/

https://www.change.org/p/gap-inc-stop-up-charging-for-women-s-plus-sized-clothing

and on top of that, the plus sized clothes are only available online. it sends a message that they want our money they just don't want us being in their stores. 

PP says she worries that there is so little variety in plus size clothing that she will end up wearing the same thing as other plus size wearers. 

now i know that as zed is reading this, she is disagreeing with me because she has an amazing wardrobe. so i will admit that there are some options out there. but what really bugs me is the fact that stores don't make clothes in all sizes. and that i have to shop at specialty stores or in the plus size sections. and that i have to pay more. 

i prefer to buy second hand. but have you ever looked at the choices in the plus sizes at thrift stores? take a look next time you are in one. they are so ugly. i rarely find anything wearable. 

why is it that regular clothing stores can't carry sizes bigger than 14? or 16? then we could all shop in any store. i would go to the mall and shop. they would make more money. 

instead, i avoid shopping as much as possible to avoid the embarrassment of going to the plus size stores or the plus size section. 

end of rant. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

Beads

nosy nora suggested creating a ritual to acknowledge the weight that i have lost (33 lbs). i thought and thought and thought and couldn't think of anything. 

i wanted to include all the changes that i have made, not just weight loss. so i talked about it with radical t. she suggested that at sick kids hospital, the kids get beads for things like each time they have chemo. and that i could create a string of beads for my accomplishments and for things that i have overcome. 

so i went out and bought some beads and string and brought them with me when i went to see nosy nora. together we went through the list of changes, accomplishments, and things that i have overcome. and we created the string of beads in the photo above. 

here are some of the meanings behind the beads:

1-6. a bead for losing 33 lbs (one bead for each 5 lbs)

7. a bead for learning how not to binge

8. a bead for no longer purging

9. a bead for facing my addiction to nortriptyline

10. a bead for no longer abusing sedatives

11. a bead for writing a letter to some people who hurt me when i was younger, and talking it out with one of them

12. a bead for eating what i want

13. a bead for eating in front of other people

14. a bead for not sleeping my life away (not napping every day or going to bed at 8pm)

15. a bead for blogging about my experience

i decided that i want to have the beads with me all the time, so i turned them into a bracelet. when i have more beads to add, i can always restring the beads. 

it's amazing to see visually how much i have accomplished/overcome in the last few years. much of which was in the last year alone. there's a sense of pride, of gratification, and of satisfaction in seeing visually how i have changed. (thank you for your part in that nosy nora)

what will you do to recognize your accomplishments? how will you toot your own horn? 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

surviving SAD

SAD. seasonal affective disorder. 

it starts in the fall. right about now. so many people i know are struggling with depression right now. and the weather isn't helping. depression sucks the energy right out of you. all you want to do is cocoon, cry, sleep, and then sleep some more. and as one friend says, "it's like wearing shit coloured glasses all the time." "it's like quicksand and you don't know when you're sliding into it. and once you're in it, it feels impossible to get out of."

so what are some things that you can do besides medication and psychotherapy? 

get outside every day when there is daylight. go for a walk or sit in a park. yes, it's cold. bundle up and get out there anyway. force yourself. the exercise will help with the stress and anxiety that actually makes depression and SAD worse. 

when you're inside, keep your blinds open and sit near the window. 

find an activity that you enjoy and take part in it throughout the winter season. skiing, skating, hiking, or if you're like me and don't enjoy the outdoors in the winter, take a class, join a team, go to yoga (that's my plan this winter), take up a craft. 

take vitamin D ... as directed!

if you can afford it, invest in light therapy. you can buy the lights online and sit under them to simulate the sun. 

try st. john's wort and vitamin B. also take as directed. and check with your dr or pharmacist if you are taking other medications. 

most of all, don't keep it to yourself. there is such a stigma around mental health that we are often afraid to tell others. we try to take care of it ourselves. but as nosy nora always tells me, we are all in this life thing together. everyone needs someone. talk to your friends and family about how you are feeling and ask for help if you need it. we are here to support each other. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

fear of success

yesterday i wrote about the fear of failure and how it can be paralyzing. and today i want to talk about the fear of success which can be equally paralyzing.

Here are 3 examples of fear of success:

1. Fear of Not Coping With Success

As Hugh MacLeod points out, success is more complex than failure. On some level, it’s more comfortable to stay in a familiar situation, even if it doesn’t feel great on the surface. But achieving success (however you define it) means you are entering uncharted territory. You are putting yourself out there to be scrutinized and criticized, and exposing yourself to new pressures and demands.

It’s only human to wonder whether you’ll be up to the challenge. A small anxious part of you would rather not take the risk. http://99u.com/articles/14347/are-you-subconsciously-afraid-of-success

2. Fear of Selling Out

Creatives have a complicated relationship with success. On the one hand, you wouldn’t be reading 99U if you weren’t ambitious to succeed; on the other, you don’t want success at all costs – especially the loss of your artistic integrity.

Whatever choices you make, if you achieve any kind of public success, it’s a sad fact that someone, somewhere will be thinking (and even saying) nasty things about you – including accusations of “selling out.” http://99u.com/articles/14347/are-you-subconsciously-afraid-of-success

3. Fear of Becoming Someone Else

Because we habitually put successful people on pedestals, the idea of becoming “one of them” can feel daunting. You start to worry that you’ll turn into someone else, a person your friends and family won’t recognize—and won’t like.

This fear has some foundation in reality. After all, if you were satisfied with the person you are now, why would you want to change? But it’s also founded on a false premise: that change is about leaving your old self behind and replacing it with a completely new one. Change is more complex than that. You are definitely more complex than that.  http://99u.com/articles/14347/are-you-subconsciously-afraid-of-success

another reason is that we fear we don't deserve the success. so we sabotage ourselves. will we change when we succeed? will we like the person we become? will other people still like us?

tiny buddha offers 6 ways to overcome the fear of success:

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/overcome-fear-of-success-6-ways-to-start-thriving/

1. be positive
2. continually remind yourself you are part of something larger than you
3. take time to find your authenticity 
4. create your success library
5. learn
6. live in balance

visit the website for an explanation of the 6 ways.

but what about me? what do i think?

i think that you need to face your fears head on. you need to ask yourself what will happen if you succeed. and more importantly, you need to ask yourself what is keeping you from succeeding. 

i have been on diet after diet since i was 9 years old. and none of them have offered me any sort of success. then i stopped dieting. i started listening to my body. listening to what it wants to eat. and i started to lose weight. but whenever i hit a milestone, i sabotage myself. i'm terrified of what it could mean to be thin. being thin is scarier than being fat. 

the worst is when people comment on my weight loss. as if it is a triumph. as if i was so fat before that my weight loss is noticeable. as if it is anyone else's business. it makes me want to binge. 

good thing i have coping strategies that i didn't have before. 

so many of us are afraid of failure, but so many of us are just as afraid of success. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

fear of failure

i was asked today to write a post about the fear of failure. this is a common fear. we often set ourselves up to fail by taking on too much and then beating ourselves up when we can't do it all.

“I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.” 
― Thomas A. Edison

unless we try, we don't have the option to fail. and what kind of life is that? it's a life of not living. the fear of failure can be paralyzing. how can you face your fears? 

1. look at things from a different perspective. 

2. think about the potential outcomes of whatever you are afraid of failing at. often we are afraid of the unknown. 

3. try to think positively. 

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” 
― Winston S. Churchill

the courage to continue. to get yourself up every morning to face the day, even when it's hard. the courage to face the difficult things in life. to face the potential of failure head on. to take risks. to fail and to get back up again. 

“Don't spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door. ” 
― Coco Chanel

no matter how many times you fail, don't beat yourself up. you can't make yourself into someone that you're not. you are uniquely and wonderfully you. 

“Life is full of screwups. You're supposed to fail sometimes. It's a required part of the human existence.” 
― Sarah Dessen

being human means making mistakes, getting messy, and learning as you go. 

“If you're not prepared to be wrong, you'll never come up with anything original.” 
― Ken Robinson

you have to be prepared to be wrong. you will face many challenges, some will have a successful outcome and some wont. but if you don't try, you wont have the opportunity to learn. 

a friend asked me to write this post. she overextended herself and had to give up some things. she feels like she failed. but that isn't failure. that is learning from your experience. that is taking care of yourself. that is being an adult and knowing when enough is enough. that isn't failure. 

“When you take risks you learn that there will be times when you succeed and there will be times when you fail, and both are equally important.” 
― Ellen DeGeneres

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

eating mindfully

geneen roth has changed my life through her books. i no longer mindlessly eat. i no longer binge. i no longer eat when i am not hungry. these are big changes for me. 

roth has 7 guidelines for eating. 

1. eat when you are hungry

2. eat sitting down in a calm environment. 

3. eat without distractions

4. eat what your body wants

5. eat until you are satisfied

6. eat (with the intention of) being in full view of others

7. eat with enjoyment, gusto, and pleasure

that's it. 7 simple yet challenging guidelines for eating. it's not a diet. it's not a lifestyle change. it's a reframing of your relationship with food. 

the idea of eating what i want when i am hungry in full view of other people was the hardest thing i faced. i'm not supposed to eat chocolate or chips or candy. i'm not supposed to eat in front of people. fat women eating in public experience shame, either internally or by other people's looks or comments. so it was really hard ... is really hard to eat fully in view of others. 

another challenge is eating without distractions which includes tv, reading, music, and driving. we always eat in front of the tv. i find myself sitting alone at the table sometimes. and i'm okay with that now. 

another difficult change was eating until i was satisfied. for a couple of reasons. first of all, when you eat in front of the tv (or with other distractions) you don't recognize the signals that your body sends to tell you to stop eating. so i would finish what was on my plate without really noticing. second, i feel guilty throwing out food, so i would finish what was on my plate. 

i started to watch other people's eating habits and noticed that often people stop eating when they are satisfied and leave food on their plates. 

what?

people don't finish their food all the time. and that's okay. it's okay to throw out what you don't eat. (or put it away as leftovers)

if you have a difficult relationship with food, i suggest you read one or more of geneen roth's books. they really were life changing for me. 

http://geneenroth.com/books/

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

10 tips for happiness

the last few days have found me in a good mood. this is rare these days. i think that part of it is a new medication, but more importantly, i think that it has been examining how the positive and huge changes that i have made over the last few years. 

so while i am in this good mood, i wanted to share ten tips for being happy:

1. express gratitude. i keep a gratitude journal and every day i make a list of things that i am grateful for. it helps to have positive thoughts in your mind. 

2. set the bar high and expect the best out of life. thinking negative thoughts leads to negative feelings. turn your negative thoughts around and allow yourself to think positively. 

3. don't compare yourself to other people. you are a unique gift on this planet. you are no one else but you. as oscar wilde said: "be yourself everyone else is already taken."

4. forgive yourself. seriously. forgive yourself. you are human. life will be messy and filled with mistakes. and as it says in anne of green gables, "tomorrow is a fresh day with no mistakes in it." forgive forgive forgive your mistakes, your messiness, your imperfections. 

5. be kind to others. pay it forward. it makes you feel good. 

6. treat yourself the way you treat the people that you love (thanks geneen roth ... what a concept!) 

7. therapy. seriously. therapy. if you are chronically unhappy, there's a reason ... or reasons ... and having someone guide you on a healing journey is helpful. that sounded incredibly cheesy ... having someone to listen to you and talk out your issues is beneficial. 

8. see people. go out. see people. socialize. even if it's hard. do it anyway. keep contact with your friends. find a group to join. for me it's choir. i will admit that i have NOT been enjoying choir this semester. but i go every week anyway. it's my community. 

9. "be the lab scientist and not the rat."  http://www.purposefairy.com/ which means pay attention to your mind, to your reactions to situations, your reactions to things that people say. learn your triggers and find ways to cope. strategies for coping will help you reframe the situation.

10. this is the most challenging step (for me). be good to your body. feed it. feed it healthy and nutritious foods. feed it what tastes good to you. feed it what you LIKE. and move your body. even if that means simply going for a walk (yes, i DO listen to you nosy nora). 

“For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.” 
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

being angry is a natural feeling and it's okay to feel angry and to talk through those feelings. nosy nora says it's even okay to be angry with people that you love. including your parents. yikes! but holding onto that anger for a long time and not doing anything with it hurts you more than it hurts the person that you are angry at. expressing that emotion in some way helps you to let it go. that doesn't mean you have to tell the person you are mad at. you can express your anger in many different healthy ways. that's a post for another day. 

“Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” 
― Dalai Lama XIV

i woke up feeling happy the last 2 days. but i cultivated that happiness by following the 10 steps above. by acknowledging that i have put in the work to change my life. (and possibly by upping my meds. just saying)

“You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.” 
― Jonathan Safran Foer

one of the biggest lessons that i have learned through therapy and through facing my addiction is that when you numb yourself to the hard feelings, you numb yourself to the wonderful feelings as well. when you protect yourself from feeling, you don't get to experience the joys that life is filled with. 

“Learn to value yourself, which means: fight for your happiness.” 
― Ayn Rand

make yourself important. you matter. did you hear that? i'll say it louder ... YOUUUUUU MATTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

“All happiness depends on courage and work.” 
― Honoré de Balzac

you wont just BE happy without working on yourself. and that takes time and small changes that lead to bigger life-long change. (another gem from nosy nora)

“When the first baby laughed for the first time, its laugh broke into a thousand pieces, and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies.” 
― J.M. Barrie

i included that quote because i love the idea of fairies. and i love baby laughs. what brings more joy than a baby laughing!?!?!?!?!???

“So we shall let the reader answer this question for himself: who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed?” 
― Hunter S. Thompson

one of the first things i remember nosy nora saying to me when i started therapy a few years ago was that i seemed like i wasn't present in my life. i was on the shore merely existing. terrified of the potential storm out on the sea of life. i am trying really hard to be present. it's not easy. but i feel like i am more alive. like i am experiencing life instead of watching it pass me by. 

“Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.” 
― Guillaume Apollinaire

pause and experience your happiness. there's no point in following my steps to happiness if you spend all your time focusing on trying to make yourself happy without enjoying the feeling of BEING happy. 

and MOST importantly, 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

changes

so i was beginning to think that over the last 2 years i haven't really made any changes. that i trudge along throughout my day and do the same things, behave the same way, react the same way ... i felt like i was a caterpillar stuck at that stage of my life, in a cocoon unable to grow wings. 

... nosy nora asked me if i noticed any changes and i said not really. then she listed the changes ...

... i am no longer addicted to nortriptyline or what nosy nora and i call "the yellow pills." i don't take them. i don't obsess over them. 

... i no longer abuse sedatives. i don't crave them. i don't think about them and long for them. 

... i say "no" more often. and i am aware of doing things that i don't want to do, and at times i don't do them. AG reminds me that i am an adult and i don't have to do anything i don't want to do. 

... i no longer binge. if i start to binge, i am able to stop myself in the moment and question why i am bingeing. and i am able to stop the cycle. 

... i no longer purge. even when i really, really have the urge to throw up, i have strategies and coping skills that i didn't have before. 

... i am able to feel my feelings and am no longer numb to my emotions. 

those are some pretty major changes. and here i thought i wasn't doing the work to change my life. i still have many more things that i want to work on. i am still struggling with depression and anxiety. but in the grand scheme of things, i am doing pretty damn well. so maybe i am a butterfly now. 

think about your life over the last few years. what changes have you made?

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

dealing with anxiety

in the past, i have written about anxiety, worries, and being anxious. today i want to talk about ways to deal with anxiety. 

anxiety is a major part of my life. it has been for as long as i can remember. lately, i have been dealing with anxiety by grinding my teeth. i have only had one panic attack in the last month thankfully. but i still get a clenched belly and clenched jaw. 

so what is anxiety? it is defined as a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. or, as a disorder that causes nervousness, fear, apprehension and worrying. 

so what can you do about it? how can you live life when you are constantly in a state of worry and apprehension? 

learning relaxation techniques is important. whether that means something like meditation, or simply breathing exercises or muscle relaxation techniques. 

another step is to challenge your negative thinking. for me, one of my biggest worries is about my car. i am always sure it is going to blow up, or get a flat tire. so i talk myself through the scenario. will my car blow up? no. cars don't spontaneously explode. they just don't. will i get a flat tire? it could happen. will it kill me? no. i have CAA and can call someone to come and help me. it will suck, but i will be okay. and likely, i wont get a flat tire. 

limit your alcohol and caffeine intake. they can make your anxiety worse. (yes, DP, less coffee could be helpful)

get enough sleep. when you are sleep-deprived (as i often am) you are more prone to worry. and when you are in a state of anxiety, you need more rest. 

exercise is helpful ... (so i am told repeatedly by nosy nora). something as simple as going for walks can really help to manage your symptoms. 

eat foods high in anti-oxidants like blueberries. as well as almonds, dark chocolate, fish (eww), and pumpkin seeds. they supposedly lower the hormones responsible for stress. i don't know if this is true, but there are no negative effects to eating these things, so go for it. 

say no. seriously. 

say no. 

don't get overwhelmed by commitments. we lead such busy lives and we over-commit ourselves. you need to learn your limits and respect yourself enough to enforce them. this might mean staying home on a friday night when all your friends are out having fun. it's okay. you don't have to do everything. 

keep a journal that keeps track of when you are anxious and try to identify what you are feeling anxious about. as i type this, i am worrying about how it will be received and i am grinding my teeth. as you journal and discover what is causing your apprehension and fears, you can uncover the things that are within your control. then you can make changes to the situation 

there are situations beyond your control. but focus on the things that you CAN change. and then ... change them. 

set aside worry time. give yourself an hour each day where you are allowed to worry about everything. you are allowed to stress and freak out and run every situation over and over again in your head. and when the hour is up, you are done. finished. no more worrying allowed. turn it off. think about other things. 

another idea from nosy nora is to put in your earphones and listen to happy music, or music that makes you feel good, or music that has positive memories tied to it. and if you feel like it, dance along. it's almost impossible to feel anything but happy when you are dancing along to "sweet home alabama". check out this website on music and memory to further understand how music can connect you to happier and calmer feelings.  http://musicandmemory.org/

use positive thoughts to challenge the negative ones. "this is scary but i will be okay." or "this is awful, but i have some strategies to deal with it." i use geneen roth's suggestion of adding "the sky is blue" to my thoughts. it neutralizes the thought by attaching the statement to it. "my car is going to blow up the sky is blue." or "i am never going to get this right i am such an idiot the sky is blue."

there's always meditation and yoga. for those of us gently rounded people, yoga sounds terrifying. i am so anxious about yoga that i have to do it at home using youtube videos instead of going to a class. but it's better than not doing anything at all. 

most of all, if anxiety is running your life, seek support from friends and family, and potentially from a health care professional. living with anxiety is really challenging. trust me. it sucks. but there are ways to manage your anxiety and you don't have to do it alone. 

and as always, 
be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...