i hummed and hawed over whether or not to write this post, and more importantly, whether or not to publish it. i deal with life by writing about it. and i hope that one person will read this post, connect with it, and in some way feel better.
while it is true that everyone will some day die, the unexpected death is the hardest.
it feels like the rug has been pulled out from under you and you are falling endlessly. and you think that the floor has to be there somewhere. and you think that you have landed and then it falls out from under you again.
my family experienced a loss this weekend. and my heart aches for B who lost a sister.
it makes me think about all the potential losses. the inevitable losses. it makes me think about the mortality of everyone i love.
so how do you deal with an unexpected loss? where do you turn? what do you do first?
an unexpected loss is often accompanied by intense grief. because there was no preparation for the loss. there was nothing leading up to it.
the first step is to keep up your regular routine. having structure maintains a sense of control.
try to get enough sleep.
ease your stress by moving your body.
don't forget to eat.
find something comforting - something that feels good. something as simple as a cup of tea by the fireplace, a hot bath, a walk in the park, or a cuddle.
take things one day at a time.
one hour at a time. minute by minute.
and ask for help. you don't have to do everything on your own.
acknowledge your grief.
it is real.
acknowledge your feelings of helplessness, your questions of why, your questions of faith. your feelings are real. they are acceptable. your anger, your hurt, your laughter, your memories. they are all real and valuable. they are feelings.
grieving can feel very lonely. it can feel like the world is passing by, like everyone is living their lives, like no one else seems to know that your world has just fallen apart.
but know that you are never alone. people are connected creatures by nature. we all need each other. and when you reach out, there are people there.
often, people don't know what to say. they want to help but they don't know how. for ideas about what to say and how to help someone who has experienced a loss, read my previous post http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/07/death.html
What to say to someone who has lost a loved one
It is common to feel awkward when trying to comfort someone who is grieving. Many people do not know what to say or do. The following are suggestions to use as a guide.
- Acknowledge the situation. Example: "I heard that your_____ died." Use the word "died" That will show that you are more open to talk about how the person really feels.
- Express your concern. Example: "I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you."
- Be genuine in your communication and don't hide your feelings. Example: "I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care."
- Offer your support. Example: "Tell me what I can do for you."
- Ask how he or she feels, and don't assume you know how the bereaved person feels on any given day.
Source: American Cancer Society
i have experienced loss in my life. young loss. unexpected loss. and it took me years to come to a place where i could grieve. the way i was raised, i wasn't supposed to have feelings. i wasn't supposed to fall apart.
over the last few years, i have learned that it's okay to have feelings. it's even okay to fall apart. and the pieces will be there, ready to be put back together.
my cousin wrote today, "when sunlight bounces off the face of someone you love, and finds its way into the eye of the lovely beholder, its image stays burned forever." i hope it's okay that i quoted him.
it struck me. and it stayed with me. the people you love are forever imprinted in your mind and on your heart. burned into your memories. the people you love stay with you, leaving you changed in some way because of their having been there.
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
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