butterflies, moths, and skippers.

today i read, "growth is painful. change is painful. but nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don't belong."

i don't feel stuck these days. i feel like i am learning to fly. 

as i am learning to fly, i wanted to go back to my butterfly metaphor ... but then i decided that i wanted to write about moths. i think they get a bad rap. 

what's the difference between a moth and a butterfly anyway? they are of the same species, they both go through complete metamorphosis, the are both winged creatures. but for some reason, butterflies are beautiful and moths are pests. 

there are differences between them, and for each difference there is often an exception. 

basic differences:

• moths are nocturnal, butterflies are not (except for the moths that are not)
• moths tend to rest with their wings open and butterflies rest with their wings up (unless they are sunning)
• butterfly antennae are wider at the tips and moth's are feathery. 
• butterflies have more colourful wings ... usually

and if that wasn't complicated enough, there is another category of butterfly moths called skippers. skippers have the traits of both. they fly during the day, have antenna like a butterfly, have the colouring and fuzzy body of a moth, but hold their wings differently than both; they hold their forewings separately from their hindwings. 

i have decided that i am a skipper - neither moth nor butterfly, spreading my wings at my own angle, not fitting neatly into one category or the other.

i am a skipper, learning to fly, practicing holding my wings. 

“Be different so that people can see you clearly amongst the crowds.” 
― Mehmet Murat ildan

i am different. i am different in that i am unique. and i am unique in that i am the same as everyone else. i think i stopped making sense there ... we are all human. we all have the same emotions. the same instincts. the same drives. i fit neatly into many a textbook description. but my sameness makes me who i am, and who i am is me. and there is only one of me. 

are you a butterfly, a moth, or a skipper? 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

fierce love

i saw this post by geneen roth today and thought about myself, about my metamorphosis. i think that i have come out of my cocoon a butterfly. my wings are still wet, so i can't fly. but i will get there. 

my struggle with food and eating is the moisture on my wings. 

"a fierce kind of love for yourself." 

to love myself fiercely. 

to believe that it is possible to change. to become a butterfly. to believe that i could be at peace with food and with eating. to believe that i could be at peace. 

love yourself fiercely, 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

i want

                                 i want. 

i want ...

blue skies, warm weather, sunshine, and butterflies.

i want ...

self-confidence, comfort in my skin, the carefree feelings i had as a child when i would run shirtless in the park with my friends. 

i want ...

to feel good. to feel happy. to feel warm, and loved, and comforted. to feel compassion towards myself. to feel empathy for the little girl inside me who didn't get what she needed. 

i want ...

good things to happen to my friends who are experiencing stress, hardships, health issues, work issues, and overwhelming experiences. 

i want ...

good things to happen to me. 

i want ...

to grow and change and become the person i know is inside of me wanting to get out. to become a butterfly. 

i want. 

i want ...

the over 300 girls kidnapped in nigeria to be returned safely to their families. 

the 1000s of missing first nations women in canada to be returned safely to their families. 

religion to stop being used as an excuse to hurt, to harm, to cause suffering of others. 

i want ...

to be happy. 

                                                  i want. 

i want ...
you to be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

butterfly wings

my blog is doing better than i ever expected. 

Pageviews today

69

Pageviews yesterday

56

Pageviews all time history

11,046

those are the stats from this blog. 11,046 page views. i have started to receive feedback through email, and comments. and it feels great. i hope that my words resonate with people. 

today i want to write about butterflies. again. i was recently asked how i will know when i have grown my wings, and that question has stayed with me. 

how will i know?  

“Hundreds of butterflies flitted in and out of sight like short-lived punctuation marks in a stream of consciousness without beginning or end.” 

― Haruki Murakami

in order to gain my wings, i will need to come to terms with my past. butterflies leave their caterpillar selves behind them. i am examining my story. sharing my truths that have been bottled up and kept secret for so long. through this process i am growing my wings.

maya angelou wrote: "we delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty." the changes that i am going through are long and hard. looking at myself and looking at my past is hard work. understanding where i came from and how i came to be who i am today is helping me to become a stronger, happier, healthier person. we can't just become a butterfly without entering a cocoon and turning to goo and reforming as a new creature. 

change is terrifying. change means giving up the familiar, giving up what we know to be comfortable even when that means remaining in discomfort. sometimes it is easier to stay with the discomfort that we know instead of moving into the discomfort of the unknown ...

 in order to fully change, i have entered the discomfort of facing my darkness and sharing those dark spaces with the people i love. choosing the right people to share with means receiving empathy and compassion. a mere 2 months ago, i couldn't get off the couch, and now i have crawled out of my cocoon and am letting my new wings dry before  i try to fly.

going through darkness means facing the discomfort of my past. not dwelling in the darkness, not dwelling in what was, but learning how to make what is out of what i know, and relearning what could be. 

that was complicated ... 

going through darkness means facing the reality of my childhood, and learning how to take care of myself instead of everyone else around me. it means acknowledging what i didn't get from my parents, so that i can seek out those things now from other people, and learn to be a better teacher and a better parent myself. 

as scary as change can be, it can also be good. without change, there would be no butterflies. without change, there would be no growth, there would be no flowers, there would be no beauty in the world. without change there would be no art, no music, no creativity. without change, there would be no need for courage. and we would repeat the cycle of our parents, and grandparents, and their parents, and their parents. cycles of poverty, of violence, of addictions, of struggle. we need change to be able to create new cycles of love, hugs, beauty, affection, healthy relationships, and self-love.

sometimes changing is scary for the people around us. they wonder how they fit with the new you. remember that you aren't changing to get away from people, but to learn to love yourself more deeply. 

i trust this process. i trust the changes that have been happening within me and around me. i trust that one day i will be able to fly. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

Cultivating Happiness

Happiness needs to be sought, cultivated, and appreciated. 

I have recently started a gratitude journal. Every day I list the things that I am grateful for. It's a nice way to focus on the positive things in my life. 

Today I am grateful for SC suggesting a last minute getaway and for S&J for making us feel welcome and at home, as always ...

We arrived at our secret hideaway and were greeted outside by the resident dog. Boundless energy and affection. she looks like Sprocket from Fraggle Rock. 

Then we were shown to our room by our ever gracious hosts where champagne and chocolates awaited us. 

We then watched a herd of deer crossing the river. 

Do deer travel in herds? anyway ...

Dinner was stuffed chicken, potatoes, yams, and broccoli. Soooo good. We sat around and chatted for hours. Then a good night sleep. 

We awoke to a gorgeous sunny day. 

And had breakfast which included my special request: avacaos in maple syrup. Mmmmmm .... happiness can be cultivated when you stop to enjoy the multiple flavours of a good meal. each bite, savoured and paid attention to. 

Now we are trying to get up the energy to go out. The plan is to go watch ice racing which is a bunch of crazy people having car races on ice. 

*****

Yep ... ice racing was as crazy as I imagined. Slipping. Sliding. Crashing. Spraying the spectators with snow.  

The rest of the day was spent adventuring; this means driving with no destination and finding ourselves on roads the GPS can't find. Then discovering beauty ... you can cultivate happiness by being still when surrounded by nature and taking in how beautiful each season truly is. 

*****

Sunday we went to visit family. Got hugs and kisses. Played a long card game. And then drove back to the hideaway for dinner - ribs and fettuccine alfredo. 

I may or may not have had 3 glasses of wine and a glass of champagne. 

We have packed up for the morning. We leave after breakfast. I don't really want to go home! It's so nice here. 

I also keep running into images of butterflies, which I will blog about later:

find your happiness by nurturer it. enjoy the happiness that finds it's way into your life. happiness can be as simple as finding a good book on sale. and you can cultivate that joy by purchasing the book and making time in your busy day to stop, be still, and read it. 

xoxo

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