Addiction

Today I learned that if you are addict, you are labeled an addict. Always. Forever. It doesn't go away. Kind of like this headache I have had for the last 5 weeks. 

This headache is never ending. Nosy Nora aptly named its measurement "Headacheosity Level." There are days when the level is very low. And days when it is debilitating. 

It is on both sides of my head. It is in my temples, the base of my skull, behind my eyes, and on the crown of my head. 

It comes with never ending neck pain as well. 

I have tried massage therapy. I have tried acupuncture. I have tried chiropractic treatments. I have tried Advil, Tylenol, Asprin, Naproxin, and various combinations of those as well. I have tried drinking more water, drinking less water, sleeping, walking, stretching, staying still ... Nothing works. Nothing touches the headache. Massage therapy worked for 2 days. My Headacheosity Level went down to a 0.5 out of 10. The neck pain stayed. And after 2 glorious days, the headache came back. 

Trying to function, to focus, to accomplish anything, is challenging. At times impossible. Chronic pain is exhausting. 

After 5 weeks of suffering, and having talked it over with Nosy Nora, I decided that I could handle having a bottle of Tylenol 3 in my cabinet. That I would be able to take it as prescribed. That if it didn't help with the pain I would be able to return the rest to the pharmacy. I spent weeks thinking it over. Weighing the pros and cons. Trying to decide if taking pain meds for actual legitimate pain would compromise my sobriety. 

I decided that I am strong enough. 

That if I am strong enough to endure this pain, I am strong enough to resist the temptation to abuse narcotics like codeine. 

Apparently I wasted my energy thinking about it. 

I went to see my doctor today and she said no. She wouldn't even discuss it. 

I thought that I had worked through my shame around my addiction. I thought that I was comfortable with the reasons why I began abusing sedatives and narcotics. 

Today, as I sat in my doctor's office listening to her refuse to prescribe me little white pills with the potential to dull this headache and neck pain after 5 weeks of suffering, I realized that I will always been seen as an addict. I will never be trusted to use pain medications appropriately. 

And my shame came flooding back into my body. My cheeks flushed. My heart raced and sank into my stomach. 

I am an addict. 

And I always will be. 

My honesty. My self-awareness. My choice to be sober. My courage to tell my doctor. My choice after 30 years of abusing drugs, to stop. To just, stop. None of that changes the fact that I can't be trusted not to abuse Tylenol 3. 

So instead, I will lay here on my couch, alternating between an ice pack and a heating pad, feeling like everyone around me must be sick and tired and bored of hearing about my pain. And my head will throb with the shame of addiction. 

Be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

** All artwork is mine