All art is original and by me ...
I have been thinking a lot about sexuality. About sensuality. Desires. Fantasies. I have been trying to determine the differences between erotica and porn. Between exotic dancing and porn.
Between spectacle and participation.
It seems to me that desires and shame are intertwined. I'm not the first to say that. The desire for food deemed "unhealthy" comes with shame. Eating in general brings on feelings of shame for me.
Food is life. And yet it is complicated. Our relationships with food are complicated.
And then there's the S word: sex. Equally complicated.
Yes, you can live without it. And some people don't mind that. In fact some people choose that. And many people feel they CAN'T llive without it.
How much of our fantasies and desires do we actually explore outside of our heads. How much of our sexuality remains in our thoughts and our feelings and is never expressed?
I have been doing a great deal of painting lately that explores my fantasies and desires. I am not going to share it with you, my dear readers. Partly because this blog is rated all ages. Partly because some of my readers have relationships with me that could get awkward. And partly because these fantasies are mine. In my head. Not to be shared with the world.
Through my art I have begun to ask questions about what is sensual. What is sexy.
This weekend I attended a sporting event that included a great deal of intimate and exotic dancing.
In my mind, watching women dance around nearly naked, gyrating, and being sensual .... Well, my dear readers, I made the assumption that this would be sexy.
It wasn't.
At least, not to me.
This wasn't the first time that I was met with the fact that in my mind, things are sexier than in reality. Having gone to see a burlesque show, expecting it to be exciting, I found it rather boring and slightly embarrassing as the woman on the stage crawled around the floor with a riding crop between her teeth.
Not my thing, apparently.
The IDEA of watching people enacting fantasies is sexy. The reality, for me, is spectacle.
I have many sex-positive people in my life who enjoy telling me their tales. When I hear how they have lived out their fantasies, it makes me think that being a participant is much more exciting than being a spectator.
Fantasies are exciting. Watching other people's fantasies is much less exciting. Watching what other people imagine your fantasies to be is even less so.
So what is the difference between erotica and porn?
Nosy Nora suggested that consent plays a role. That images and scenes of unconsentual sex acts is pornography. Despite the actors and models consenting to the story being acted out.
I would take it one step further and say that pornography is when there is an imbalance of power between the players. A woman is often having things done TO her to be watched.
Spectacle.
I think in erotica, the players are on an even level. There is no power imbalance. The players are doing things to each other and are both displaying pleasure without power. This case is still true in BDSM scenarios when there is consent and playfulness.
Participation.
So what about fantasies that don't match our desires? What about those fantasies that you would never tell anyone? That you are ashamed to even have? That you try to block out of your mind and may not even admit to yourself that they were ever there?
Nosy Nora asks, what would happen if you were to act out your fantasy without consequence?
It's an interesting question.
If you could do anything in the world without fear of judgement, shame, repercussions ... would you? If you could guarantee that it was safe to explore your most secret desire, would you? And what would happen if you did?
For me, I think that the purpose of fantasy is to be just that: a thought in your head. Your own personal movie that plays when you want it to. The difficulty is to allow yourself to play that movie. To watch it without shame. To truly believe that your thoughts can't hurt anyone.
Sharing your fantasies and desires can be fun. Even with the knowledge that you don't actually want to explore them in person. Talking about them, imagining them with someone else can be equally pleasurable.
I know that some of my readers are squirming. Some of them stopped reading after the third paragraph. Some after the first sentence. And that's okay. We each have our own comfort level when it comes to talking about the S word. And I don't expect, nor need, anyone to agree with me on any of this. I am merely sharing my personal exploration.
This weekend I learned that for me, less is more. What goes on in my mind is far more sexy than what I see on a stage. Sensuality is sexier than blatant sexuality. An expression of desire through subtlety is far more powerful than a woman ripping off her clothes.
For me.
Lots of people get off on a woman ripping off her clothes and I have no judgement on their desires and pleasures.
So back to the idea of shame and desires. What seems like it would feel good in your mind may not feel good in your body. The idea of eating a tub of ice cream for dinner is exciting. And shameful. And private. And if I ate a tub of ice cream for dinner, I would do it in secret. Hidden. And then afterwards, if I actually managed to eat the entire tub, I would feel full. I would probably feel sick. And I would hopefully learn that eating a tub of ice cream for dinner is far more pleasurable in my head than it is in reality. I would also feel deep shame for having given in to my desire. Given in to the fantasy that I know is so bad for me. So wrong.
The question is, is the same true for sexual fantasies? Is the shame that we feel for carnal desires the same as the shame of gorging on food? Is there shame after pleasure? Can there be pleasure where there is shame? Can a fantasy be "bad for you"? Can a fantasy be "wrong"?
The fact is, we all need to be loved. We all need to be touched. We all want to feel desired. Wanted. We all want to feel that we bring pleasure to others.
But how often do you think about bringing pleasure to yourself?
And how is it wrong to want to feel good?
Perhaps we all need to further explore our fantasies and desires through the act of what CP so aptly named selfgasms. But that's a whole other blog post.
I am not finished exploring these ideas. I am not finished painting my fantasies.
But for now I will say,
Be kind to yourself,
xoxo
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