pressure

“Crying relieves pressure on soul.” 

― Toba Beta

sometimes i feel like the world is crushing me. 

“I don't know where this pressure came from. I can't blame my parents because it has always felt internal. Like any other parent, my mother celebrated the A grades and the less-than-A grades she felt there was no need to tell anybody about. But not acknowledging the effort that ended in a less than perfect result impacted me as a child. If I didn't win, then we wouldn't tell anyone that I had even competed to save us the embarrassment of acknowledging that someone else was better. Keeping the secret made me think that losing was something to be ashamed of, and that unless I was sure I was going to be the champion there was no point in trying. And there was certainly no point to just having fun.” ― Portia de Rossi

sometimes the pressure gets to be too much and i find unhealthy ways to relieve the pressure. 

“Pressure makes diamonds” 

― George S. Patton Jr.

so i am working on a list of healthy ways to relieve the crushing feeling. here is what i have so far:

1. go for a walk
2. play the piano
3. play the guitar
4. listen to music
5. write this blog
6. write a story
7. talk to a friend
8. crochet
9. draw
10. write in my journal
11. make something out of clay
12. do beading
13. make jewelry 
14. find a new recipe and try it out
15. go to a cafe
16. hugging the dog (says captain stressy pants)
17. walking the dog
18. crying
19. read
20. watch a favourite movie

“Relief is a great feeling.
It’s the emotional and physical reward we receive from our bodies upon alleviation of pain, pressure and struggle. A time to bask in the lack of the negative.
And yet, think about it—relief is really the status quo, a negation of the suffering, anothing in itself. It is the way things were before the pressure and struggle began.
So, is it a step back? A regression?
Or is it an opportunity to regroup, start over, and move in a different direction?
Use your moment of relief well.”
― Vera Nazarian

what would you add to the list?

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

Inspiration

i want to inspire people. i want this blog to be inspiring ... the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me was that they were able to come out because i did first. that i made it okay, and safe. 

instead of trying too hard to be an inspiration, i thought that i would share with you some of the things that inspire me ...

i spend way too much time worrying about the mean people in my life and what i have done wrong to bring on the meanness. the truth is, it has nothing to do with me. their wounds, their darkness, their struggles bring out a mean and nasty way of treating people that is both beyond my control, and entirely not my fault. 

no one lives in a vacuum with one challenge. no one exists as on identity. our identities are multifaceted, as are our struggles. 

sharing your darkness with others is terrifying and liberating. my biggest fear is that people will leave me if they knew who i truly am. and i have learned over the last year that the people who stay are my true friends. the people who know my darkness, face it, and accept it, are the people who will be here for me for many, many years to come. 

wow. that one gets me every time. enough is in "relationship to what you already have." as a person who is always worried about not having enough and not getting enough, this always stops me in my tracks. i have enough love, enough food, enough support, enough friendship, enough greatness. and yet, i always feel like i will lose it all, so i gather it as close to me as i can get it. i worry about never eating chocolate again, so i feel like i can't get enough of it and i eat too much. i worry about my friends leaving me, so i gather them under my wings and sometimes hold them too tightly. and i reach out constantly to nosy nora, afraid that the connection to her, and the support from her will cease to exist. 

there is no point in getting into loud screaming matches. i spent much of my childhood being yelled at. and i have learned that it is the words you use to stand up for yourself and to speak your truth, not the volume of your voice. 

a process. a big, long, complicated, messy process. healing takes time. do you remember the rice krispies commercial where the mom is in the kitchen reading a book and the kids and dad call from the other room "are they ready yet?" and the says "these things take time!"? and then she splashes herself with flour and makes it look like she worked really hard ... it reminds me of healing and changing. "these things take time" and these things are hard work, but only as hard as we make them. softening yourself to the changes and the healing will allow them to happen. giving yourself time, and being compassionate with yourself will allow them to happen. even though you need to be patient. 

sometimes i just need to vent. period. 

see previous post here on how we treat ourselves. 

we are all in this life thing together, as nosy nora likes to tell me. she also says we all need each other. i have tried for a very long time to do it all by myself - to live i mean. but the reality is that my friends have ignited in me many hopes, dreams, loves, desires, longings, and passion. and i am grateful to all of them. 

i spend way to much time wanting what i don't have, planning how to get it, and working towards that goal. what i need to do is to look at what i already have, enjoy that, and LIVE. 

permission to feel good ... wow. i don't know about you, but i spend so much time worrying about the feelings of other people that i rarely pay attention to my needs or my feelings. and when i do pay attention, it is to all the negative feelings and the hardships of my life. permission to feel good. permission to admit that there are many wonderful aspects of my life. i like that idea ... putting into practice is another story. 

i have been letting go of people and things in my life that do not give me what i deserve. and i have been asking for what i deserve from the people who i don't want to let go. and it is really, really HARD, and really, really IMPORTANT. if you aren't already doing it ... start now ... RIGHT NOW!

waiting to be rich, waiting to be thin, waiting to get promoted, waiting to have kids, waiting to buy a house, waiting for the next thing. waiting for you life to begin. guess what? first, your life began a very long time ago when you were born. and second, waiting isn't living. you have a life, here and now. you have a life worth living because you are worthy as you are. think about it. try it. try living the life you have right now. 

as always ... 

be kind to yourself ...

xoxo

...

control and disordered eating ...

being in control is my biggest struggle. 

on the one hand, i don't want to be the person to make the decisions, and on the other hand, i get angry when i feel like i am not in control. 

i want someone to tell me how to do things, and i don't want to be told what to do, 

sometimes i give over my power in passive aggressive ways ... for example, if we are driving, i will ask SC "should we take the highway, or go through the city?" that way, SHE makes the decision and if it is a bad decision in terms of traffic ... well it isn't my fault because it wasn't my choice ...

so what is it about control that i want to relinquish it as well as to keep it? what is it that makes me so angry when i feel like someone is trying to enforce their control onto me?

i asked CJ about her thoughts because we struggle with the same issues around food and control. she said: "if i could convince myself that i deserve to eat during the day, if i could convince myself that feeling full isn't feeling out of control, i might be able to eat three meals per day."


i want to talk about food. it is a bit scary for me to write about food, because it is such a huge issue for me. but i think that talking about it gives me power over it, and talking about it also takes the shame out of it. it makes me vulnerable and it holds my story up to the light. shame can't survive in the light, as AG likes to tell me. 

according to the university of cambridge, 

"eating disorders are often described as an outward expression of internal emotional pain and confusion. [...] the behaviours associated with food are maladaptive means of dealing with emotional distress which cannot be expressed in any other satisfactory way. [...] food is used as an inappropriate way of taking control."

the assumption about eating disorders is that the person wants to be thin. well duh, of course i want to be thin. but that has nothing to do with the ways that i (mis)use food. 

CJ said: "people have this image in their minds from the media of someone with an eating disorder - the image of the anorexic. in reality, that image is only a small fraction of the people affected by eating disorders. the shame of having an eating disorder is made more by not seeing media representation of your "type" of eating disorder. with anything else, if comes in all shapes and sizes."

so what is my eating disorder? 

food is my form of (false) control. when i feel like i am not in control, i use and abuse food to reassure myself that i make the choices. 

i play this game with myself. it's a game that i win by losing. i hold off on eating for as long as i possibly can. i don't eat, i drink tea to make my belly feel full. and i give in and eat when i am shaking and feeling faint, i have a few crackers or a piece of fruit - something to stave off the shaking. 

CJ said: "people seem to have this idea that overweight people sit around eating all day. in reality, part of the reason these people are this way is due to starving themselves so frequently that they completely stall their metabolism, making their body go into 'starvation mode' and any food ingested because stored. it's not an excuse for being overweight but it does serve to explain that if it were as simple as just not eating junk food/a lot of food, there wouldn't be so many overweight, unhappy, unhealthy people in the world."

i have been thinking a lot about my eating, and about food, and control. so i started talking to CJ about it, and about how much we think about it. she is so articulate that she has pretty much taken over this post. CJ said, "i probably think about it too much ... every time i purge, every time i go to bed hungry, every time i feel that sense of accomplishment when my stomach growls, every time i eat in front of friends, every time i binge, every time a kid laughs at me on the street, every time someone suggests a "great new diet they discovered" ... pretty much all the time."

thinking about food all the time is actually exhausting. thinking about eating, and not eating. thinking about purging, the actual purging, and thinking about how to hide the purging. it is all exhausting. 



be kind to yourself

xoxo

...

uitwaaien FACTS ...

i am on a uitwaaien. i am taking a mental health break while i walk in the wind of my life. giving myself the space to decompress, de-stress, and deal with my internal struggles. 

and this uitwaaien causes me a whole lot of anxiety!!

i have this theory that when faced with anxiety and self-doubts, and worrying and self-loathing, one way to battle the negative self-talk is to list the facts. 

i call my theory: Fast Accurate Concise Truthful Statements (FACTS). 

for example, i am worrying and unable to sleep because of an appointment with a specialist tomorrow who is going to tell me to lose weight. 

FACT: i know i need to lose weight. 

FACT: he has no idea what a day in my life is like. 

FACT: it will be a brief appointment and i can decide not to see him again if i don't want to see him again. 

FACT: this will not kill me. 

FACT: i have polycystic ovarian syndrome and hypothyroidism which makes losing weight extremely difficult. 

i am also anxious about taking a laughter yoga class. because i don't know what to expect. because it sounds crazy. because i can't picture myself making myself laugh in front of a group of strangers. 

FACT: i never have to go back if i hate it

FACT: i don't have to do anything that i don't want to do

FACT: i can get up and walk out if it's too much

FACT: i can choose to watch

FACT: this is not going to kill me. 

when i am in the middle of a panic attack, there are several strategies that i have used. nosy nora suggests 2 techniques, one is to activate the rational brain (eg. counting backwards by 3's) and the other is to activate the parasympathetic nervous system. (for more info click on the links at the bottom of this post ...) i do this by squeezing the edges of my finger tips, or finding a sore spot in the fleshy but of my thumb and rubbing that spot. 

and now i have added my Fast Accurate Concise Truthful Statements (FACTS) technique while i am activating my parasympathetic nervous system. so i squeeze my finger tips while listing the FACTS  about the situation that is causing me anxiety. 

i will admit that sometimes i forget to do any of these techniques. sometimes i fall into the spiral of the panic and let anxiety be in control of my life. AG likes to tell me to tell anxiety that it is no longer in control. and i sometimes need that reminder. okay ... i OFTEN need that reminder as i am struggling to breathe. 

so back to the anxiety around my uitwaaien. i worry that my students are falling behind. i worry that i am being judged by everyone around me. i worry that i am being selfish. i worry that i am wasting time. i worry that i am not getting better.

FACT: some days i can make it through an entire day without crying.

FACT: my students are already "behind" and a few weeks without me isn't the end of the world.

FACT: i am not that important. work carries on without me. 

FACT: i am not selfish, i am taking care of myself and my needs. 

i encourage you to find your own  Fast Accurate Concise Truthful Statements (FACTS) when you are faced with anxiety and self-doubt. don't get me wrong, this is a very new strategy for me and i often forget to do it. i am still learning the best way to approach my FACTS; whether to write them, or to list them in my head, or to tell them to a friend. 

xoxo

...

http://www.wisebrain.org/ParasympatheticNS.pdf

https://sites.google.com/site/psychospiritualtools/Home/psychological-practices/activating-the-parasympathetic-wing-of-your-nervous-system