waiting for my wings to grow ...

"it was during a time of painful conflict that i first began to experience myself as more than one. it was as though i sat in the midst of many selves." - Elizabeth O'Connor

i think that's what it must be like for a caterpillar who spins a cocoon. do they know that they are going to dissolve into "goo" and to stew in their many selves; caterpillar, butterfly, goo, cells, bits and pieces of their selves ... just waiting ...

lately, i have been encountering butterflies. whether it is on my mother-in-law's bookshelf, a photo in the living room at a B&B, a random sighting, a metaphor, a book, or in my own kitchen; butterflies just seem to find their way to me lately. 

a gift from MD for my 18th birthday xoxo

KM met a woman who recommended a book to her called When the Heart Waits by Sue Monk Kidd. she read it and mentioned to me that it had butterfly and cocoon imagery and that she thought of me. KM then loaned the book to me. 

it is the kind of book that i could read in one sitting, but i am making myself read it slowly in small pieces so that i can take it all in. 

because the truth is, i think that Sue Monk Kidd (SMK) climbed into my head and wrote the book through me. her experience is my experience. which makes me feel so much less alone. maybe we all feel this way. maybe we all go through this. 

"i too sat in the midst of many selves. the pleaser, the performer, the perfectionist - my trinity of p's. i was learning how these old roles were connected to another powerful role that i played out: the good little girl." -(SMK)

yes yes yes. 

this. 

this was me, my own trinity of p's haunting me from the pages of her book. i have been exploring the idea of myself being made up of many selves, and here it was written in ink, experienced by someone else: the powerful role of the good little girl (the GLG)

"my good little girl endured everything sweetly, feared coloring outside of the traditional lines, and frequently cut herself off from her real thoughts and feelings. she was well adapted to thinking other people's thoughts and following the path of least resistance." - SMK

yes yes yes and AGAIN yes. my own role as the GLG was learned very early in life. not wanting to cause ripples on the water, it became easier for me to follow the rules laid out for me. my path of least resistance meant finding ways to numb myself from my thoughts and feelings and my reactions to what was going on around me. my path of least resistance meant listening to what i was being told, taking in the messages from adults and peers, and learning at a very young age that i was fat, and ugly, and worthless, and that the best way to forge my way through the fire of life was to do what i was told, to never talk back, to follow all the rules, to be who i was expected to be ...

... now is the winter of my discontent (thanks shakespeare). not only because this winter seems colder, and snowier, and longer than recent winters. but because my role as the GLG is being questioned; is being turned on its head and being stewed in my own goo as i wait in my chrysalis exploring my many selves. is there such a thing as the Bad Little Girl (the BLG) ?  because that's who i was in secret. the GLG was my public self. my secret self rebelled by harming myself in multiple ways. my secret self broke rules that i knew wouldn't be noticed. was i the the BLG? or was i simply a little girl who wanted attention? who wanted to be loved? 

i am in my chrysalis now, but without the deep longing and need to wrap myself in my duvet cocoon. i am in my chrysalis because i am being still and waiting. i am exploring my many selves and allowing myself to be spiritually reborn. no, SC, i won't be climbing into a bag and reenacting my birth. i promise! this isn't a REbirth, this is a new birth. it is a transformation. it is a claiming of my life as my own. it is time of waiting, and listening to my inner self, in order to grow my own wings and become my own butterfly.

"the greek word for soul is psyche, and is often represented by a butterfly. while it was tempting for me to think that the growth and emergence of my authentic self would happen with little time or effort on my part, that isn't so." SMK

i wanted nothing more than to go back to work. i was going to "cheat" myself and my doctors and go back to work, force myself to suck it up and carry on. not give myself the time that i need. because the GLG knows that going to work and being a productive member of society is important. the BLG was telling me that by staying home and listening to the doctors, i was breaking all the rules that my childhood taught me. 

and then i read more of  When the Heart Waits  and came to understand that growing wings takes time. and that being still with myself is important. and this is a luxury. not everyone has the opportunity to take this time for themselves, to heal, to grow, to reflect. i have been given a gift: the gift of a chrysalis. and i can sit here, my gooey self, reflecting, reading, learning, growing, and becoming my authentic self. 

"bright wings and works of art don't just happen. they require the courage to let go and spin the chrysalis.[...] wherever there are bright new wings, there's always the husk of waiting somewhere in the corner." SMK

this is scary. this is hard. waiting. 

waiting is far from easy. the GLG and the BLG both want to give up. but becoming a butterfly means spinning a cocoon and trusting that you will come out the other side, changed, and with wings that will carry you to new places. strong wings that will allow you to fly, and to soar on the breeze. waiting means trusting. trusting means letting go. and letting go means leaning into the fear. 

"we have to be patient. we have to let go and tap our creative stillness. most of all, we have to trust that our scarred hearts really do have wings" SMK



xoxo
...

when singing, there is only music ...

"If i cannot fly, let me sing." 

- Stephen Sondheim

singing. music. guitar. piano. singing solo. singing in a choir. singing in an ensemble. 

music has been part of my life for as long as i can remember. 

sitting at the campfire, singing silly songs. singing in circle time at school. joining the school choir. taking music lessons. learning recorder, violin, flute, drums, piano, and eventually my voice. 

music plays a role in my life in so many situations. 

first, there is the choir that i sing in. 

When you sing with a group of people, you learn how to subsume yourself into a group consciousness because a capella singing is all about the immersion of the self into the community. That's one of the great feelings - to stop being me for a little while and to become us. That way lies empathy, the great social virtue.

- Brian Eno

singing in the choir, whether it is a capella or accompanied, is a means of connection on an inexplicable level. blending your voices in harmony, having one message that touches people emotionally and/or spiritually. singing with a group is like communicating as a group; a mutual understanding of something greater than ourselves. AT said she sings in a choir because "it's a source of feeling connected, of sharing a love and working together for a common purpose. it's a safe place. where i feel secure. both in who i am and my ability to make a meaningful contribution to the group."

singing in a group is also a way to come together and focus on something outside of ourselves and our lives. AG said "i like the sense of teamwork. i like making music with other people. it requires dedication and focus. takes me out of my head, for 2 hours i focus only on the music, not work or life stress."

for me, going to choir every week is my church. we come together as a community. we have routines. we stand up and sit down a bunch of times. we sing together. we listen to a "sermon" by the director. we break bread together. and then we stand together and sing our private song and go our separate ways until the following week. 

Brene Brown wrote: 

"Laughter, song, and dance are so woven into the fabric of our everyday life that we can forget how much we value the people who can make us laugh [...] laughter, song, and dance create emotional and spiritual connection; they remind us of the one thing that truly matters when we are searching for comfort, celebration, inspiration, or healing: we are not alone."

singing with other people confirms, affirms, and reaffirms that i am not alone. that i am part of a community. that no matter how alone i feel; no matter how lonely i am: i belong.

then there are the songs that touch me and move me through life. songs that i turn to when i need to be cheered up. songs that remind me of my first love, or the love of my life. songs that i listen to when i am sad. lonely sad songs that i can sing along to. at the moment, i am OBSESSED with karen carpenter. i am listening to her music on repeat. all the time. when i want to be cheered up, i listen to Jambalya on repeat ... for hours ... it is my happy place at the moment. and i sing along at the top of my longs. Click here to listen. Rainy Days and Mondays Get me Down is one of the ones i am listening to through this depression. Click here for a listen. 

For me, singing sad songs often has a way of healing a situation. It gets the hurt out in the open into the light, out of the darkness.

Reba McEntire

then there are the songs that feel like they were written FOR you. like the artist climbed into your head and wrote the song through you. i have 3 of those. and they are my private songs. for now. 

this post has been the most difficult that i have ever written. music is such an important part of my being. someone asked me once, "why do you sing?" and my response was "because i can't not sing." 

yes, i sing in the shower. but i also sing in the kitchen, and in the car (at the top of my lungs), and in the living room, and sometimes in bed. i sing through the day. i sing with people. i sing alone. i make up songs about what i am doing. i sing songs that are stuck in my head. i sing songs that i have been listening to in the car. i sing and i sing and i sing. 

i really wanted to write about singing and music. and i had no idea that it was going to be such a challenge! i encourage you to find your music. find your song. laugh, dance, sing, play, bang on some drums (or pots and pans), and find people to do it with. 

i think that ella fitzgerald said it best:

"The only thing better than singing is more singing."

xoxo

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