pen pals

when i was 9 years old, i had my first penpal. her name was cheryl and she lived in milton ontario which is mere hours away from me. she was a friend of my cousin's. and we wrote each other letters and it was fun. 

when i was 12, i got my first real penpal. her name was roselyn and she lived in zimbabwe. we wrote to each other for years. her letters were the highlight of my month. she once sent me a necklace ... i still have it upstairs in a box. we wrote to each other until i was 18, when i told her that i was a lesbian and she began to pray for my soul. and then she stopped writing. 

when i was 15, i had a penpal in estonia. and one in michigan. and one in china. 

writing to someone far away was a great way for me to express my feelings safely. kind of like the opposite of therapy where i have to say things in person, face to face, with no distance. having a penpal meant being able to bare my soul without fear of rejection. until roselyn rejected me, but that was a cultural and religious difference. 

i would write pages and pages for each letter. my penpal in china was by far my favourite. he and i would exchange letters on airmail paper. i would tell him about my pathetic love life and he would give me advice, and then tell me about his. i came out to him as a lesbian and he accepted me. i have all of his letters upstairs in the same box as the necklace from roselyn. 

a few years ago, i started playing an online scrabble game with a random stranger. we played back and forth and chatted between turns. after a year or so of playing, we both admitted to each other that we were only continuing the game to stay in touch with each other and instead became facebook friends. i call her my digital penpal. 

i think this blog has become my digital penpal way of expressing myself. i am now at 16,500 page views, most of which come from russia. hello to my russian readers!! 

i can say here what i cannot express in person. i can ramble, or share, or give advice, or simply spill my guts. 

writing for me is a way of breathing. 

my readers, my audience, have become my penpals. so hello to you and thanks for reading. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

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