strings and things and a side dish of guilt

i have learned to ask for help over the years, but it makes me uncomfortable to do it.

i didn't really understand why.

until this weekend.

this weekend i reached out for help and was met with strings and things and a side dish of guilt. a side dish that is apparently best served cold, and repeatedly, and often.

there are people in my life who offer help without even being asked ...

GT and i have worked together for 9 years now and sometimes we don't even have to finish sentences, we know what needs to be done, and we get it done. and i can ask her for help because i know that it will come with no strings attached, and i won't feel like i owe her something, or that i am beholden to her. I don't have any older siblings (not that she is THAT much older than me, in fact, our students think that I am older than HER), but over the years, GT has become more than simply a colleague to me, she is like a big sister to me; a friend, a confidant, and a sounding board for all things that i could ever need to bounce off of someone. so asking GT to help me is something comes much more easily than asking others.

this weekend, however, i sought the help of someone from who i normally would avoid making such requests. someone i am very close to. someone who thinks that he has been there for me, but has never been there for me for the things that i really needed.

i struggled with the decision to make my request.

but i decided that all i could do was put it out there and see what transpired.

at first, i was pleasantly surprised. he responded to my need generously. without comment, without judgement, without making me feel like i owed him anything. i went to bed feeling like things were going to go smoothly from now on.

and then came the first string ... and the second ... and the third ... and i know now that i will be beholden and owe him, despite knowing that what was given to me was given freely and was no less than i deserve.

and i have decided that i will lose no sleep over the strings. i will not be pulled in different directions by the strings. he can serve up as much guilt as he wants to, and i will slide it around my plate, pretending to eat it, but leaving it on the plate, just as i used to do with my broccoli (i still do that, i even did it with my dinner tonight!).

Pokey Sue says that we are bombarded with words all day every day and much of what is thrown at us is garbage. if we wouldn't eat garbage, then we shouldn't eat people's garbage words. we should take in only what is healthy and good for us - things that feed our souls, that make us better, that build us up (see, i listen to you pokey sue, sometimes ...).

that's hard to do. 

but, as i tell my students regularly; if you put bad ingredients into your soup, you will make bad soup. if you put in good ingredients, you will make good soup. 

... so i am going to ask for help from you who are reading this ... please do something for me? please go make some delicious soup, reject the garbage words, don't get caught in people's strings, and for goodness sake, if you don't want to eat the carrot with the shriveled end, then  go ahead and LEAVE IT ON THE PLATE!!!

XOXO

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