hard week

i haven't blogged in awhile. i just haven't had anything to say. but this has been a hard couple of weeks and i wanted to write about it to help me process what has been going on. 

first of all, DP and i made a fundamental and monumental mistake and we are in the process of trying to fix it which is terrifying and anxiety causing. 

second, the coordinator of my special education program came into my classroom and basically told me that everything that i am doing is wrong. she was kind and gave me some new ideas. but she also put a great deal of pressure on me to improve the levels of my students (which is my job, i understand that) in a short period of time. she made me feel like i am a terrible teacher and that i have no idea what i am doing. she made me feel like shit to be blunt. and i am left feeling weepy and helpless. 

third, i have started a program called pcos diva jumpstart (www.pcosdiva.com) in which i have been instructed to make many changes to my diet and lifestyle. this all or nothing approach, going cold turkey and diving in to a lifestyle change has been really difficult and i feel like a failure. 

the eating part has been fairly easy. it's not the first time i have eaten this way, so i know what foods to eat and what foods to avoid. i had already cut out caffeine, so i am not having withdrawals. 

in terms of my diet, i am not eating:

• wheat
• gluten
• sugar
• caffeine
• dairy
• red meat

i am also taking a number of supplements. easy peasy. 

the challenge for me is the lifestyle change. i am supposed to get up early each morning and do some sort of exercise. i have yet to manage to get out of bed early enough to do anything except make a smoothie. some mornings i have had to drink the smoothie in the car on the way to work. i am not acting at all like a diva and am not taking care of myself. 

i feel like the world is crushing me. like there is a huge weight pushing me down. like i am walking through molasses, unable to lift my feet. 

i have been doing well with my depression. managing it with medication and therapy. the sadness and constant weepiness is back. but i think that i have legitimate things to feel weepy about. it's hard to tell the difference between a bad day and depression sometimes. and it's scary to think that i could go back to that dark place that i was in last year at this time; off work, cocooned on the couch, crying every day, not wanting to be alive. 

i want more than anything to be able to get out of bed in the mornings and practice healthy living. it isn't that i don't have the motivation - i WANT to do it. but something is keeping me in bed. something is keeping me from succeeding. i think it is my fear of failure. if i don't try, then i can't fail. 

so ... this has been a hard couple of weeks. and i feel like next week will be hard too. 

i feel scared, helpless, and stuck. 

i need encouragement. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

... 

activism and social justice ...

social justice has always been a part of my life ... a part of me. 

it started when i was 9 and i was boycotting products from south africa in protest of apartheid. i was 9, and writing letters to the government asking for tighter restrictions on factories that were polluting the environment. 

at 10, i was writing letters to Nelson Mandela while he was in prison. i was so angry at his imprisonment. 

at 12,  i wore a red armband to show my support of the first nations protest at oka. i wrote letters to the federal and provincial government demanding an end to the standoff. 

by 17 i was speaking at 'take back the night' rallies in toronto, participating in a young feminist activist group, and continuing to write letters to government, to organizations, and individuals. 

by 20, i had started a sit-in that lasted 6 days and 6 nights. i was marching in protest of all sorts of injustices. and still writing letters. 

by 24 i had completed a masters degree in women's studies, and by 26 i had completed my teaching degree and was planning to be an out lesbian teacher ...

... then i got into a school and discovered that activism can come in many forms. and the idea of being an out lesbian teacher was scary. and felt unsafe. and as much as i was angry with myself for taking a step back into the closet, and as much as i toy with the idea of coming out to my students ... there are many other ways to be an activist. 

merriam webster dictionary defines an activist as "a person who uses or supports strong actions (such as public protests) to help make changes in politics or society." notice the word SUPPORTS. an activist doesn't have to be the one doing the marching. an activist can be a person who supports actions that help make changes. 

... i teach my students social justice topics. we study historical atrocities and current ones as well. we talk about human rights. i teach them to be accepting of differences. and although i am no longer marching in protests, speaking at rallies, or participating in sit-ins ... my activism is to teach my students to be global citizens who are passionate about social justice. 

being an activist doesn't have to mean being loud. it doesn't have to mean being out there and marching. it can be through small things like teaching a group of children to be kind, to care about social justice, and to want to change the world. 

as always, 

be kind to yourself (and everyone else)

xoxo

...