let them eat cake ... the whole cake ...

the other night i was introduced to the idea that some people settle for crumbs instead of expecting and demanding the whole cake. 

when it comes to actual cake, eating the crumbs instead of the cake only leads to deprivation and later sneaking the cake. it leads to thinking about nothing BUT cake. and it leads to shame. 

“...compulsive eating is basically a refusal to be fully alive. No matter what we weigh, those of us who are compulsive eaters have anorexia of the soul. We refuse to take in what sustains us. We live lives of deprivation. And when we can't stand it any longer, we binge. The way we are able to accomplish all of this is by the simple act of bolting -- of leaving ourselves -- hundreds of times a day.” ― Geneen Roth

cake as a metaphor can allude to so many things.

relationships
settling for the crumbs means not expecting or demanding what you deserve from family, friends, or your partner. you deserve to be treated with respect. you deserve to be asked how you feel, how your day was, what you like, and what you want. you deserve to matter. you deserve to be in mutually respectful relationships in which you are equally important. you deserve to be compatible with the people you love. you deserve not to get text messages from your mother that say "you suck" or "you are a bad person." 



work
do you know how many times i have wanted to ask for more but was afraid to look like a jerk? i want better preps, i want better duties. i want less meetings and more of a break. i want a shorter lunch hour ... so many of us settle for the crumbs at work. not asking for a promotion. not sharing our ideas for fear of rejection. not demanding equal pay. work isn't just a place you go to get money. work often defines how we feel about ourselves. you are worth the whole cake at work too. 

sex
yeah ... i'm not going to write about sex. but RS wanted me to include it. when it comes to sex, many people settle for crumbs. you deserve a slice of cake. with layers. and lots of icing. and sprinkles. you get the point. 

food
when it comes to eating, too often i settle for the crumbs. literally. i starve myself until i am so hungry that i over-eat. because i don't think that i deserve to eat a slice of cake like everyone else. so alone and unobserved, i will eat my cake. but i will eat it like it is the last piece of cake i will ever have in my life. i don't taste it. and i don't enjoy it because i am being sneaky and don't think that i deserve to enjoy it. if i DO eat cake in front of people, i spend the entire time wondering what people are thinking about my cake eating. so i don't enjoy the cake at all. i barely taste it. 

so now what? i wish i had an answer for you. i wish i could tell you HOW to stop living on crumbs and to live a cake-filled life. but if i knew that, i would be living on cake myself. if i knew that, i wouldn't have a plate full of crumbs in front of me and i wouldn't feel guilty about even having that. i would ask for what i need, demand what i deserve, and seek out more cake varieties. 

so that is our homework ... choose one small area of your life where you accept crumbs, and look for a way to have a slice of cake. then email me or comment at the bottom of the post and tell me about it. i look forward to hearing about your accomplishments, and your struggles!

be kind to yourself, and go for the cake

xoxo

...

damaged antenna

last night i learned from D B-R, that we are born with the ability to be intuitive. we are naturally able to tell the good people from the bad people - meaning the people who make us feel good and the people who make us feel bad. 

but what happens when a child is told that their instinct is wrong, or crazy, or stupid? what happens when children are made to feel like their natural intuition is off? 

it teaches you to not trust yourself and your intuition. it teaches you that what you feel is wrong. 

imagine a child who cried every time she saw her cousin. cried so much that she threw up. and the response to that was for her parents to work on desensitizing her to seeing his face by putting photos of him in bedtime story books. 

imagine a child who cried every time she saw her cousin. cried so much that she threw up. and the response to that was for her parents to ask her questions about why, to never leave her alone with that cousin, and to be on red alert around him.  

which child do you think will grow up trusting themselves? trusting their intuition? trusting the people whose job it is to take care of them, to protect them, and to keep them safe?

a child whose intuition isn't trusted learns that she can't trust herself. 

that's me. 

i have a damaged antenna. i know perfectly well who is going to harm me, and yet i act as if i trust those people. 

up until the last few years, i would enact untrustworthy relationships repeatedly. 

i remember being 6 and cabbage patch kids were all the rage. people had swarmed stores and near-riots had broken out in december as people fought to buy cabbage patch kids for christmas. 

my dad managed to get me one on christmas eve. 

so there i was, 6 years old, at ballet class. my friends and i went downstairs with our cabbage patch kids and our moms were still upstairs. a man walked up to us and asked us about our dolls and asked if he could take one to show his friends in a restaurant. 

i handed over that doll. i was sure that i would never see it again. i was sure that he had stolen it forever. my damaged antenna told me that talking to a strange man was bad, but that i must be crazy so i talked to him. my intuition told me that he was stealing my doll, but my busted antenna told me that i was wrong about everything else, so i must be wrong about this too. 

in the end, the man did actually come back with the doll. but my mom was furious at me for talking to a stranger and for giving that stranger my doll to take into a restaurant. 

damaged antenna. 

about ten years ago i became friends with a woman whom i shall call Leanne. this was an odd friendship. my intuition told me that this friendship was never going to work. Leanne told me that if i ever crossed her she would hate me for life. but because i believed that my intuition was off, i stayed friends with Leanne and took her constant verbal abuse. this went on for 2 years, me thinking that this friendship was crappy, but convincing myself that i am always wrong, and staying her friend. 

it wasn't until i crossed her that the friendship ended. it was a little thing. i turned my back and spoke to someone that wasn't her in a staff meeting. seriously. i'm not kidding. that one act made her decide to hate me "for life." and we haven't spoken since. it's been 8 years. we still work together and she continues to ignore me as much as it is possible to do in a work setting. 

i look back on that friendship, and on many others that i had before that one ... and i think about my damaged antenna. 

so ask yourself this ... when you were a child, were you taught that your intuition was worth listening to? or were you taught to mistrust yourself?

my damaged antenna plays out in all areas of my life. it plays out in food and eating. i make a list of the foods that i can't eat, even though intuition tells me that deprivation will lead to a binge. which it does. which then leads to further deprivation of food altogether. 

i don't know my own cues for when i am hungry and when i am full, because i wasn't taught to believe myself or to believe what my mind and body tell me. 

can a damaged antenna be repaired? of course it can. through mindfulness. through trusting myself. through listening to myself. 

even after this terrible winter, the flowers come back. they know when to grow. they know when to lie dormant in the earth. i saw these flowers today on my walk and thought about intuition. 

how is your antenna?  


be kind to yourself, and listen to your intuition

xoxo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btbTj7DJ1yM ...