“All truly great thoughts are conceived while walking.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

“All truly great thoughts are conceived while walking.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

i have rediscovered how much i love walking. 

the solitude and time to think. the repetition of one foot in front of the other, carrying your body forward. my best ideas come while i am walking. 

“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.” ― Steven Wright

there was a time when i would get up early every morning and take the dog for a walk, and then take the dog for a second walk when i came home from work. 

and i loved it. 

and then, over time, i got lazier and lazier and less and less motivated and my walks shrank from an hour to half an hour, and then to twenty minutes, and then to fifteen minutes, and then to once a day. (poor dog)

“But the beauty is in the walking -- we are betrayed by destinations.” ― Gwyn Thomas

and recently i have rediscovered the joy of forward motion. i was complaining to radical t this evening that i hate walking if i don't have a destination. i hate walking for the sake of walking. and then, i put on my shoes, tied the dog's leash around my waist and went for a walk with no destination and it felt so good. it felt good to move my body. nosy nora says that moving your body moves your hormones around and makes you feel better ... and i think she's right. 

my walk was joyful. 

dr. mike evans suggests that walking 30 minutes a day can make a big difference in your health. what he actually suggests is that we spend only 23 1/2 hours a day sitting, and spend 30 minutes walking. you can see his video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUaInS6HIGo

“A lone walker is both present and detached, more than an audience but less than a participant. Walking assuages or legitimizes this alienation.” ― Rebecca Solnit

i also complained to radical t about walking by myself. walking alone can be intimidating sometimes as i walk by creepy, leering men, i become afraid. we live in a world where men think that it is okay to cat call women (and much worse), and that makes me uncomfortable. and at the same time, walking alone is also liberating. 

taking the time to think and feel and be with my thoughts. taking the time for myself. taking the time for ME. 

not to mention the happiness expressed by the dog who has missed our long walks. 


“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.” 
― Ellen DeGeneres

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

realistic idealist

i don't have much to say today ... 

never forget to tell people when they are alive how much they mean to you. because you don't know what will happen in the future. you don't know what will happen this evening. 

i have been thinking a lot this last week about my friend gigi who died when we were 18. as i wrote in my post on the weekend, ( http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/05/gigi.html )   i received a pile of her letters that i thought i had lost. and these letters have left me a lot to think about. she was an incredible young woman who had a lot to say about the world. 

 "I’m getting an education so I can stop the starving and fighting and crying and dying and rapes and murders and injustices and and and and and but do I really believe I can? 
Stop it dammit, one person can do a hell of a lot and it’s because people give up and say “well what can I do?” that the world is politically and economically and morally a revolving bowl of shit. 
Fuck them all. 
I’m sick of them telling me that I’m an idealist who will one day see the light. They’re just giving themselves excuses to give up and buy BMWs. And I’m not a flaky idealist. I’m a cynical, realistic, idealistic bitch and they better get used to it (who the fuck are “they” anyway?) 
realistic idealist. Realistic that my ideals can be achieved."

a realistic idealist. 

i love that title. i realistically believe in my ideals. i believe that i can make a change in the world, like gigi did. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

changes

Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'. - Bob Dylan

i hate change. there aren't enough words to explain how uncomfortable change makes me. and yet, change is constantly happening. good changes, bad changes, neutral changes. i hate them all. 

this post is for all the people in my life being forced to change. especially LAC (... yes you, i'm talking about you ...) who is moving on to greener pastures whether she wants to or not, whether she is willing to admit that they are greener or not ...

“Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change.” 
― Mary Shelley

we navigate our way through the world in the safety of what we know ... what we are used to ... what is comfortable. the idea of something new and different is scary to us. we fear what we don't know. we doubt ourselves and our abilities. in the midst of change, we forget that we always have options. we externalize our worth rather than looking within - we define ourselves by what job we have, how much money we make, what we own, and how we are seen. real change means accepting that who we are matters more than what we are. the truth is that we cling to what we know for fear of losing what we have; for fear of losing ourselves in what we don't know. 

there is one fact that we often forget: we take ourselves with us wherever we go. you can't leave yourself behind no matter how many changes you make (or are forced into making).

Come writers and critics
Who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide
The chance won't come again
And don't speak too soon
For the wheel's still in spin
And there's no tellin' who
That it's namin'
For the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times they are a-changin'.- Bob Dylan

change is discomfort. change is facing the unknown. sometimes facing your fears. this can be really scary, and it can also be really exciting. everything is in a constant state of change. nothing stagnates. 

“Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn't stop for anybody.” 
― Stephen Chbosky

life doesn't stop. for anybody. for anything. the world turns whether we stand still and cry or run around in circles screaming about the changes that we don't want to happen. people grow, people change, people move on. and we have to keep living. 

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” 
― Lao Tzu

the world is in a constant state of change. life is full of cycles, but things don't cycle back in exactly the same way. the flowers come back after the winter, but they aren't the same flowers. they are new flowers from the same bulbs. 

“The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.” 
― C. JoyBell C.

throw yourself ... it is time to embrace change - as much as we drag our feet and stagnate in what we know, the world is in a constant state of change. it is the one thing that we can count on. captain stressy pants says that the world would be boring without change. that doesn't make me hate it any less. but i am willing to throw myself, to be open to possibilities that come with changes. 

Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don't criticize
What you can't understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is
Rapidly agin'
Please get out of the new one
If you can't lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin'.- Bob Dylan


“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.” 
― Maya Angelou

sometimes staying in the position that we are in means staying in a situation that is not good for us. sometimes we think that we are happy because we have been here for so long that we think this is what happiness is. and then, surprisingly, things in the new place are better and we discover that the change was a good thing. 

LAC, i have a message for you:

“You may feel very secure in the pond that you are in, but if you never venture out of it, you will never know that there is such a thing as an ocean, a sea.” 
― C. JoyBell C.

we get so used to what we know, that even when what we know is unhealthy we want to stay. you don't know what is out there. you don't know how good other people have it because we, you AND i, have been here in this place for so long. we call it home. we call it family. and family doesn't stop being family just because you move away. we will always been family. this will always be a second home. and you are going to find joy in the new place with the new people and with children who WANT to learn. 

The line it is drawn
The curse it is cast
The slow one now
Will later be fast
As the present now
Will later be past
The order is
Rapidly fadin'
And the first one now
Will later be last
For the times they are a-changin'.

- Bob Dylan

“Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.” 
― Eckhart Tolle

i hate change. and i am trying to embrace it. i am trying to get used to the idea of my friends leaving my school, of nosy nora moving her office, of the furniture in my living room being rearranged, of driving a rental car instead of my own, of meeting with a new doctor today and another new doctor in a few weeks ... i am trying to embrace the changes within my self. i am trying to get used to the idea of saying what i think, of expressing my feelings, of allowing myself to HAVE feelings, of allowing myself to FEEL those emotions, of standing up for myself ...

change isn't all bad. even the hard change has a purpose. and besides ...


“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” 
― Margaret Mead

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo
...

horoscope

i don't usually pay attention to horoscopes. and when i do, they are just silly. however, my last 2 horoscopes have been incredibly accurate and right on. this morning i woke up feeling vulnerable and raw. and this was today's horoscope that i will go through bit by bit. 

May 27, 2014
A Loving Trust
Aries Daily Horoscope

You may feel wide open and vulnerable today, and you could feel the need to reach out and share your fears and insecurities with others. It's possible you will seek the company of dear friends or loved ones, individuals you know you can trust. 

i use my blog as a way to reach out and share with others. seeking the company of people i can trust is my plan for today. 

You might consider asking one of these people to get together with you today to have a long conversation. If you do, you might first think about how you're feeling today and what may be at the root of any worry or conflict you could be experiencing. If you communicate these things openly with another person, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, you may get emotional support in response. 

i am meeting Zed for coffee this afternoon, with the plan to have a long conversation about all our worries. and my constant goal at the moment is to be open and vulnerable. which is why this horoscope speaks to me so deeply. 

Should you wish to be open and vulnerable today but feel blocked, you might consider letting yourself really trust those with whom you speak.

Trusting the people we are closest to allows us to be vulnerable. Having faith that others love and want the best for us creates an atmosphere of openness and willingness. We are able to set aside our fears and can freely express anything that weighs on our minds or hearts. 

trust. i put my trust in my readers that my openness and my willingness to share the deepest parts of myself with be received with love and not with judgement. 

The simple act of communicating these things to a caring person lightens our burden. The more we share, the better we feel, and the more closely connected we are to the other person. Trust that those you choose to be open with today care about you and appreciate your honesty, and they will respond to your vulnerability with love and support. 

trust, openness, vulnerability ... those are the messages i will carry with me today. 

yesterday, i was having a bad day and i reached out to gigi's mom and told her how i was feeling and why. she shared with me a website called  www.dailyom.com which had these horoscopes as well as a beautiful message about grief. this was yesterday's horoscope:

When we are trying to piece together the puzzle of our future, we can get help and guidance from other people. 

gigi's mom offered me support and guidance and hope in her email to me. she gave me a piece of my puzzle. 

Everyone we interact with has something to contribute to our journey. As we engage with others and listen to their advice, we can formulate our image of the right path, solution, or action for ourselves. Each person we question can add a small piece to the puzzle of our future. 

gigi's mom set me on the right path as i was wavering in an opposite direction. 


Seek recommendations and guidance from others regarding your aspirations today, absorb the wisdom that benefits you, and watch a new piece of your life's puzzle fall into place.

each person who offers me wisdom has offered me a piece of my puzzle, or as directed me as to where my piece needs to go ... i have never been good at puzzles, so having help makes me feel less lonely and less alone. 

it's amazing how one person can say one thing that can have a huge impact on your day. be that person today ... be that person who says something to someone that changes their day. 

be kind to yourself, and each other,

xoxo

...

cousins

In my cousin, I find a second self.

Isabel Norton

i want to write about my cousins. i have a large number of them. and some of them are the best friends i have ever had. 

many people that i know only have one or two cousins. or they are not close to their cousins. or they never even talk to them. this is so foreign. to me, a "cousin" is your closest relation. you can't get any closer than a cousin, in my humble opinion ...

so i want to write about how i experience cousins ...

A cousin is a sister you never had

Anonymous

CP is my cousin, my friend, my confidant, and my other half. we were inseparable for many years, growing up together, playing in the basement, writing in our diaries, making secret codes, talking on the phone for hours ...

A cousin is the one who is already there doing it when everyone else is saying is there anything I can do?

Anonymous

in my family, cousins know what needs to be done. when there is a death, the food starts to be prepared, the cousins show up and start to organize. there is no need to ask for help, it has already been offered - whether you know you need the help or not. 

A cousin is a little bit of childhood that can never be lost.Anonymous

most of my childhood memories involve cousins. D and the red plastic shoe incident, campfires at the cottage, swimming to the raft, walking through the woods, visiting the cemetery in the dark, making easter bunny cupcakes, taking care of babies, and most of all, having someone to talk to. BH singing wacky made-up songs on the danforth, making snow homes for plastic bunnies, and watching little rascals on sunday mornings.

A cousin is someone who knows all about you but likes you anyway.Anonymous

cousins know your secrets and stay. cousins know you at your lowest and are there to pick you up. 

Cousins by blood – friends by choice.Darlene Shaw

as we have gotten older, cousins have formed friendships. i don't have to talk to my cousins. we could spend the rest of our lives never seeing each other. but i choose to be friends with CP and with D and with BH. i choose to share my life with them. i choose them, not because they are my cousins, but because of our history. 

“Nobody will understand the craziness of your family better than your cousins”

you don't have to explain anything to your cousins. they get it. they've been there. they know that christmas dinner requires kinder eggs. they know that your elderly aunt will make inappropriate unfiltered comments and will need a drive home. they know who pushes your buttons and why and they know how to run interference. 

“Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the cousins together.” ~ Woodrow Wilson

despite the large number of us, we could easily drift apart. it is our love and friendship that holds us cousins together. the laughter. the shared memories. the shared knowledge of the woodstove at the cottage and how to light it. the fact that the porch light was always on in case someone unexpected arrived in the middle of the night. 

and finally ...

“Cousins are like Bras… close to the heart and always there for support.”

be kind to yourself, and to your cousins ...

xoxo

...

guilt

guilt. 

we all have it. we all claim that it's not worth having. we all want to be rid of it. and we all have it anyway. 

“Maybe there's more we all could have done, but we just have to let the guilt remind us to do better next time.” 
― Veronica Roth

guilt can be used as a means to get yourself to do something that you don't want to be do. it can be used to remind us of what we can improve upon. there is always something that could be better - something that could have been done better. 

"There's no problem so awful, that you can't add some guilt to it and make it even worse.” 
― Bill Watterson

today nosy nora absolved me of my guilt over something small and huge that i did. it doesn't matter what i did or didn't do. the point is that it took someone else telling me that it's okay. it took someone else to forgive me before i could forgive myself. maybe that's why confession is so important. maybe we need to have someone forgive us so that we can do the work required to forgive ourselves. 

“So full of artless jealousy is guilt,
It spills itself in fearing to be spilt.” 
― William Shakespeare, Hamlet

guilt can eat you up. in an attempt to prevent the world from knowing what you feel guilty about, you often show your cards. we can't keep secrets forever. we have to tell someone. no matter how guilty we feel. no matter how shameful the secret is. 

there is a difference between shame and guilt. 

shame is a deep feeling of unworthiness, whereas guilt is a regret for something we have done. they are not the same thing. yet, you can feel both guilt and shame about the same event. 

“Sometimes I just want to paint the words "It's my fault" across my forehead to save people the time of being pissed off at me.” 
― Christina Westover

sometimes we have so much guilt that it is easier to just walk around apologizing for everything despite whose fault it is. there are times i feel so guilty for something that someone else did that it crushes me. 

“Guilt isn't always a rational thing, Clio realized. Guilt is a weight that will crush you whether you deserve it or not.” 
― Maureen Johnson

guilt is crushing. it just is. 

“I get up and pace the room, as if I can leave my guilt behind me. But it tracks me as I walk, an ugly shadow made by myself.” 
― Rosamund Lupton

we can't walk away from our guilt. it follows us throughout life and throughout time. and the only way to get out from under guilt is to forgive. i don't mean rationalize, i mean truly forgive. 

when i was 18, i was working at the school library. on the last day before the christmas holidays, a grade 9 boy found a wallet and turned it in to me. i then turned it in to the office. it had over $2000 in it. the gentleman who had lost the wallet, right before christmas, was so impressed and grateful, that i was given a monetary reward. my friend gigi said that i shouldn't keep the money because it was the young boy who found the wallet and turned it in. 

i kept the money. 

it has been 18 years and i still think about that. i still wish that i could find that man, and give him the money and apologize for keeping it. 

i had to forgive myself, however. i didn't know who the boy was. i wouldn't have recognized him. and i was so overcome with grief at gigi's death that it didn't occur to me that i could have made an announcement to find him. 

i forgive myself. 

but i don't forget. 

“When you are guilty, it is not your sins you hate but yourself.” 
― Anthony de Mello

guilt causes shame gremlins to shout at you that you are unworthy, undeserving, useless, and a loser. guilt makes you hate yourself. which is why it is so important to forgive yourself and move on. learn from your mistakes. and don't repeat them. 

“It has always seemed that a fear of judgment is the mark of guilt and the burden of insecurity.” 
― Criss Jami

guilt is the fear of being judged. by others, and by yourself. the fear of being judged makes me choose to do things that i don't want to do because i feel guilty saying no. i feel guilty standing up for myself. i feel guilty not doing what i feel obligated to do. 

“I would forget it fain,
But oh, it presses to my memory,
Like damnèd guilty deeds to sinners' minds.
― William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

I would love to forget my guilt, but it is ingrained in my memory. so how do we move on? how do we forgive ourselves? what do we have to DO?

“Guilt is a destructive and ultimately pointless emotion” 
― Lynn Crilly

we simply have to forgive. there are no steps. there is no magic wand. there is only forgiveness and knowledge that you have learned a lesson. life is about learning. life is one giant classroom. without mistakes, the world would be boring. without mistakes, there would be no creativity, no inventions, no inspiration, no adventure. guilt is what keeps our morals in check. 

be kind to yourself, and forgive yourself. 

xoxo

...

gigi

today i was given a gift. 

i was given a baggie with folded up letters in it. old letters. 19 year old letters. letters from my friend gigi who this blog is named after. letters and poems from my best friend who died when we were 18. 

getting these letters and reading them was like getting a piece of her back. 

i forgot how sardonic and sarcastic she was. i forgot how passion about social justice she was. i forgot how funny she was. i forgot the mundane things we talked about like English projects and hockey games. 

i wanted to share with you a couple of her poems. because i want to share a piece of her with you. here are her poems: 

So what?

Just because your heart is pumping doesn’t mean you’re living,

Just because you’ve made a lot of money doesn’t mean you’re successful,

Just because you give to charity doesn’t mean you’re generous,

Just because you’ve got a degree doesn’t mean you’re intelligent,

Just because you have everything you’ve ever wanted doesn’t mean you’re happy,

Just because someone says you’re better than mean doesn’t mean I should respect you,

Don’t try to buy me with your wallet, money hass no lasting value.

Don’t try to buy me with your superficial flattery, I can see right through it anyway.

Don’t try to make me jealous of your riches, I’m rich, I just dion’t have any money.

Don’t try to make me look uneducatied, there are some things you’’ll never learn in school.

Don’t try to tell me I can’t change the world, jjust watch and learn.

By Gigi

Friday may 13, 1994

The train moves forward

Travelling towards my dreams

I am left behind

When small

Tense, hunched over

Paper and pressing

Hard and carefully

To make words

Letters precise and deep

Within the page

Grammar corrected and

Stressed constantly

Unrelenting, ruthless

And then

Letters perfected

Personal style perfected

(big letters and circles over the “i”s)

Grammer perfected and enforced

And then

Rejection

            Messy scrawls written hurriedly

            Punctuation forgotten or ignored

            Incorrect grammar, rules scorned,

            Mocked; too rigid for

            Real expression

And then

For always

By Gigi

November 7, 1995

this is the last thing she ever wrote. she wrote it on the subway on the way to the party where she died:

Sunday, December 31, 1995

365 days in the year

5 hours left now

Somewhere in the world

It’s already

Next year

But not yet

Here

1996

The year of my graduation

I hope

And then?

New years eve

Is always a night

Of contemplation

Wondering

About accomplishments

Failures

Dreams

And unwanted realities

Life has too many variables

Or not enough

And what will 1996 bring?

What will tomorrow bring?

Tonight?

Is there merit in trying to guess

Or second guess?

And what are we counting down to?

Another ten seconds of our

Life go by

As we look to the next year,

Which will come if we

Watch the parties on T.V. or not.

A funny thing about those

Televised countdowns,

One station tells you

5 seconds left,

The other tells you 7.

Does it even matter?

i want to leave you with this poem about the light inside of us and how we can change the world. that's all she wanted to do; change the world. and change it she did. she changed me. she changed everyone she touched. and her light shines on inside those who loved her. be kind to yourself, and let your light shine ...

Personal light

Each of us has our own little light inside

And after we die various things can happen to that light:

Some lights fade away into the darkness and nobody notices or cares about the loss of their light

Some lights shine brightly, but nobody wants or needs their light and some

Even despise the suffering the light brings

Other lights shine with a loving glow that encompasses all

Anyone who has ever felt the warmth of these beams keep a little glimmer of

Them with them wherever they go

These lights remain brilliant and everlasting

Every person chooses which light will shine within themselves and the type

Of light that will shine after them

(you can) light up the world (forever)

By Gigi

Saturday June 11, 1994