strings and things and a side dish of guilt

i have learned to ask for help over the years, but it makes me uncomfortable to do it.

i didn't really understand why.

until this weekend.

this weekend i reached out for help and was met with strings and things and a side dish of guilt. a side dish that is apparently best served cold, and repeatedly, and often.

there are people in my life who offer help without even being asked ...

GT and i have worked together for 9 years now and sometimes we don't even have to finish sentences, we know what needs to be done, and we get it done. and i can ask her for help because i know that it will come with no strings attached, and i won't feel like i owe her something, or that i am beholden to her. I don't have any older siblings (not that she is THAT much older than me, in fact, our students think that I am older than HER), but over the years, GT has become more than simply a colleague to me, she is like a big sister to me; a friend, a confidant, and a sounding board for all things that i could ever need to bounce off of someone. so asking GT to help me is something comes much more easily than asking others.

this weekend, however, i sought the help of someone from who i normally would avoid making such requests. someone i am very close to. someone who thinks that he has been there for me, but has never been there for me for the things that i really needed.

i struggled with the decision to make my request.

but i decided that all i could do was put it out there and see what transpired.

at first, i was pleasantly surprised. he responded to my need generously. without comment, without judgement, without making me feel like i owed him anything. i went to bed feeling like things were going to go smoothly from now on.

and then came the first string ... and the second ... and the third ... and i know now that i will be beholden and owe him, despite knowing that what was given to me was given freely and was no less than i deserve.

and i have decided that i will lose no sleep over the strings. i will not be pulled in different directions by the strings. he can serve up as much guilt as he wants to, and i will slide it around my plate, pretending to eat it, but leaving it on the plate, just as i used to do with my broccoli (i still do that, i even did it with my dinner tonight!).

Pokey Sue says that we are bombarded with words all day every day and much of what is thrown at us is garbage. if we wouldn't eat garbage, then we shouldn't eat people's garbage words. we should take in only what is healthy and good for us - things that feed our souls, that make us better, that build us up (see, i listen to you pokey sue, sometimes ...).

that's hard to do. 

but, as i tell my students regularly; if you put bad ingredients into your soup, you will make bad soup. if you put in good ingredients, you will make good soup. 

... so i am going to ask for help from you who are reading this ... please do something for me? please go make some delicious soup, reject the garbage words, don't get caught in people's strings, and for goodness sake, if you don't want to eat the carrot with the shriveled end, then  go ahead and LEAVE IT ON THE PLATE!!!

XOXO

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How are you?

... sharing my feelings has always come easy to me, if it means saying "I'm fine" or "I'm good" ...

... sharing what i am really feeling is a horse of a different colour. 

most of the time, when people say "how are you?" they aren't actually asking you how you feel, they are reciting the polite greeting which is to be answered with "fine thanks, how are you?" or "good, and you?" so it comes as a big surprise when someone really want to know how i am feeling, and wants to take the time to actually talk about how i am feeling.

so this blog post is dedicated to those women in my life who actually want to know the answer to the question, "how are you?" ... you know who you are.

... the idea of someone caring enough about me to want to know what's going on in my head, heart, and soul, is relatively new to me. and it has taken years to get used to. i was so used to not being heard, or being afraid to speak, or not bothering to speak. and i am only now beginning to ask myself why.

this post is short, but in this time of struggle for so many of my dear friends, i wanted to acknowledge how much it means to me that you actually want to know how i am feeling and why.

and the next time i say, "how are you?" i really and truly mean it. 

much love and patience,

xoxo


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